GLEANINGS from Claudia: Faith

Posted on June 15, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.”  Matthew 8:23-26

I remember after giving birth how my body had to change.  There was no choice because the child who had taken up so much space inside of me was gone.  In response everything inside of me shifted.  And the outside looked different too (thankfully)!

We are at that place in adjusting to losing Becky.  Our world has shifted to accommodate the void that losing Becky leaves.  This has been a huge shift on some levels and a minor shift on others.  Becky hasn’t lived with us for years, so our daily life hasn’t much changed.  On the other hand, our emotional and thought life has seen a significant shift as we’ve more fully realized death’s impact and now more fully know what grief means.  For Jacob and the girls losing Becky has meant losing a way of life.  From the moment of Becky’s accident their old way of life was gone.  Now the life they’ve lived for nearly six months is changing. They are leaving the home they had with Becky and moving closer come mid-July.  Leaving their home in Washington is another loss for them – a fresh grief.  But this move makes great sense because they are moving close to family – a family that loves them deeply and longs to be of greater support. There are quantities of faith in this move.  Jacob will be searching for a job which is a difficult proposition in the best of times. He is leaving deep friendships and intense memories – loss upon loss.  For us – we are purchasing a second home to use as a rental with Jacob our first renter.  We’ve not done this before and we are stretching to do it.  Daily life will change for all of us when Jacob and the girls arrive. I’m looking forward to being a significant part of the ‘village’ that loves on and cares for Amity and Dara. For both Jacob and us it is a time of stepping out, making decisions, waiting and trusting in God’s provision. 

We can’t see the outcome of this stepping out, but we can certainly see the needs that accompany the move. We are all afraid to varying degrees and at varying times.  There is risk in this venture and there is risk in choosing not to move, but rather to stay with what is known.  We can’t see around the next corner, but we choose to move trusting the God who has so amply supplied faith and the fruits of faith in our lives.  We choose to move trusting the God whose faithfulness is celebrated over and over in our lives and in the lives whose stories are recounted in scripture.  “Great is Thy faithfulness, Oh God our Father.  There is no shadow of turning with Thee.  Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not.  As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be. Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness. Morning by morning new mercies I see.  All I have needed Thy hand hath provided, Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.”

“Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?” He replied, “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” 
Matthew 17:19-20

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Unshakeable

Posted on June 14, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“When I felt secure, I said, “I will never be shaken.” O LORD, when you favored me, you made my mountain stand firm; but when you hid your face, I was dismayed.”  Psalm 30:6-7

I could never have imagined the way my life is now.  This unimaginable life is mostly about the emotional terrain I travel.  I’ve said before that I feel like a girl entering puberty – emotional ups and downs are a constant in a life that once enjoyed the relatively easy landscape of a post-menopausal grandma.  I am constantly moving from grief to uncertainty to brief joy to longing to impatience to . . . I’m sure you get the point. I wrestle with my reactionary emotions every day striving to keep my eyes on Jesus and my inner life under his sure hand.  I’m actually a bit shocked by this turn of events.  I’m the one who never cried.  When Steve and I watch a movie together or if we are watching sports and a touching commercial comes on, he is the one who is wiping tears from his eyes – not me.  At least it was that way.  Not so much now.

I’ve lived a faith life of great but naïve certainty.  I was the one who was not shaken by events unfolding on the grand stage of life.  But so much of what I’ve faithfully watched unfold has not been personal. Becky’s death is deeply and profoundly personal.  And I’ve been shaken. Even in that shaking I have the core truth and knowing that God is unshakeable and the kingdom in which I abide is solid and firm and dependable.

When the earth moves beneath our feet the only place we can go to find stability is ‘up’– everything of this earth can shake and crumble and fall.  In the midst of looking for solid footing in a post-Becky world I seek to keep my heart focused ‘up’ — on the King and His unshakeable Kingdom!

“Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our “God is a consuming fire.””   Hebrews 12:28-29

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: ‘I Will Not Forget You’

Posted on June 12, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Shout for joy, O heavens; Rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains!  For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.  But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me.”   “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?  Though she may forget, I will not forget you!  See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.”  Isaiah 49:13-16

There is a fierce need in me to remember Becky and to see to it that she is remembered.  In this season since Becky’s death I’ve read a lot of books on grief.  One common theme in these books is the need to remember and to know that others remember the one who died. There is longing to hear Becky’s name out loud – to remember her in spoken words.

I wonder why this need?  Maybe it is the drive to affirm that Becky existed and that her life, however brief, had immense value. Maybe it is a holding on to Becky – a clinging to what is left of her in me and mine today.  Maybe it is a silent acknowledgement that this relationship is intact and I hold onto it until the day we can be face-to-face again. 

Whatever drives me it gives me fathomless comfort to know that God will not forget Becky. Nor will He forget me. The physicality of the promise of God about how He remembers speaks to me.  He engraves us on His hand – a painful process that results in a permanent reminder – a tattoo of me in His palm!  I remember the physicality of nursing my children.  During those nursing years whenever I was away from my child for even a relatively short time I was both emotionally drawn back to and physically reminded of this baby I had left behind.  The milk meant for my baby built up and caused a physical ache that matched the emotional ache to be reunited.  I could not forget my baby.  That physical ache compelled me to remember and drove me to the joy of reunion with the child that I so dearly loved.

The Lord is emphatic that even if a nursing mom could forget He will not forget us! Becky’s name and my name and the names of all I love and every name that has been given are engraved upon His hand.  I see the cross as the tool of engraving – that physical pain coupled with the compelling love of Christ that has left a mark for eternity in the body of Christ and engraved my name on the Lord’s hand.  The cross affirms the Lord’s strong words “I will not forget you!”

“For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name.  I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”  Ephesians 3:14-19

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: When We Passed By

Posted on June 11, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

When We Passed By

The little place you lived 10 years ago
Still stands surrounded now
By grown up trees and shrubs you planted
It looks more substantial somehow
Though you stand no more

We passed by this place today
And sighed wanting to cry
But tired of the tears
That water nothing
Alive or growing

Could I but wake from this dream
Pillow wet from tears in slumber
Until dawn recalls
You are still here
Could I but wake

Trusting and waiting are
The air I breathe
It is getting thin
The farther I go
The more I miss you

So I pray
God help me
To hang on until
No more tears
No more sorrow

God keep me busy
Loving You
Loving others
Loving Your way to use
Tears and sorrow

Grow those moments
When I’m planted and
Right in Your world
Because I know that she is right
In Your world too

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Disappointment

Posted on June 8, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God’s unfailing love forever and ever.  I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good. I will praise you in the presence of your saints.”  Psalm 52:8-9

Disappointment visited me last night.  Jacob and the girls are moving to our area.  A couple of obvious needs related to such a move stand out clearly – Jacob needs a job and the family needs a home.  We are praying into those two needs and seeking the opportunities that would meet those needs – trusting God as we seek.  On a parallel track Steve and I have been looking for a rental property with the hope that the place that we find would be a support to Jacob and the girls for a season.  Jacob hopes to buy his own place, but that needs to be a bit down the road, so utilizing our rental would be a good first step toward that goal. 

Steve and I haven’t bought a lot of homes in our lifetime and we’ve never owned more than one at a time, so this is a goal that is stretching us. Every time we’ve had cause to buy a home the search has ended when we’ve walked into a place and just knew right away that the home we were touring was our new home.  That happened with a home we toured about a week ago – we loved the home, loved the location and hoped we could offer an amount that would work for the seller and make it our place.  We could clearly picture Jacob and the girls in this home.  We stepped out in faith and made our offer.

Last night we heard that the offer was rejected and found that the counter-offer wouldn’t work for us either.  Disappointment.  Everything about the home and about the timing seemed so perfect.  I had to remind myself that from the beginning of this search Steve and I have chosen to trust God.  He knows our needs, He knows Jacob’s needs, He even knows the needs of the future renters that Steve and I hope to bless.  He also knows the needs of the current home owners who rejected our offer.  I can trust Him and I will trust Him.  I love the verse from Psalm 52 and the picture of me ‘like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God.’  God has the ultimate green thumb and cares for a tree in His house in the most perfect way possible.  Talk about a flourishing tree!  I also love it that an olive tree is a source of sustenance and rich provision.  A flourishing tree means blessing, upon blessing and nourishment for others who have access to the tree.  Like that tree in the house of God I choose to stand and wait and trust in the one who cares for me and those that I love.  Lord – your unfailing love is forever and ever.  I trust in that love and in You the perfect gardener and provider.  I praise You for Your great care for me and those I love!

“But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.”  Psalms 13:5-6

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Decisions

Posted on June 7, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.”  Luke 12:48

Becky’s life ended suddenly.  She didn’t have time to set her house in order or to say good-bye or to make sure that those closest to her clearly heard her last words of love. Becky and Jake lived their lives deliberately – together processing decisions that impacted their family. Until the last year of Becky’s life, Becky and Jacob very intentionally worked out their lives so that one of them was always with their girls.  They didn’t hire babysitters even when both were working.  Instead they scheduled their jobs so that they were the primary caretakers for Amity and Dara.  Only in the last year did that value shift as Becky began clinical rotations in the final months of Pharmacy school.  There was simply no way for Becky or Jacob to always be with the girls. At times Becky agonized over missing her girls – hanging on to the knowledge that in a year she would graduate and the nearly 24/7 intensity of classes and studying would likely diminish into the routine of a full time job.  I say ‘likely’ because Becky was also considering one more year of study and had applied for a residency in one of the Spokane hospitals.  If she was accepted into that residency it would mean one more year of long hours and immersion in study, but the in-patient hospital setting would also allow Becky to more fully utilize her God given intellect, compassion, and gifts.

Becky’s life was rich and full.  She was given much – incredible intelligence, a deep well of love, a wonderful husband and family, and more energy than I can fathom.  She loved the Lord and together Becky and Jacob thought through decisions within a framework of family and stewardship.  I find myself wondering if any of those decisions would have changed if the variable of Becky’s sudden death could have been added into the decision matrix.  It is a nonsense question since there is no way to go back.  And it is nonsense because I know Becky and Jacob made their decisions based upon their lives of following Jesus.  But it does make me pause as I consider my own decisions.  I have also been given much – in fact I’ve been given the kingdom!  Even without the specter of an untimely death my life will be short – every life is short.  I want to live out the hours of each day that I’m given in a way that regards the incredible gift of life in Jesus.  Life, family, intellect, heart, the very hours of each day, influence, love, joy, grief – all of it a gift from the hand of the Father into my life.  Lord – your blessings are rich and sweet and form the substance of my life.  Help me to live aware of the flow of blessing into my life.  Make me an unblocked branch through whom this blessing life flows to others.  Guide your life through me at every decision point – even those daily decisions that are so natural that I’m unaware of deciding. Glorify yourself in and through me.

“Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.” Luke 12:32

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”  John 15:5

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Worthless Idols

Posted on June 6, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs. But I, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you.” Jonah 2:8-9

The sermon this Sunday really made me think.  Steve is preaching a series on the Ten Commandments and this Sunday he spoke on the second commandment – “you shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below.”  Steve talked about the children of Israel waiting on Moses at the base of Mt. Sinai, growing impatient with his absence and the silence of God and deciding to fashion an idol to worship.  Aaron fashioned the golden calf, built an altar before it, and then announced “Tomorrow there will be a festival to the LORD (Yahweh.)”  The people believed they were worshiping the real God as they worshiped before this golden calf fashioned by human hands for their instant gratification.

As I pictured this it dawned on me that there is another clear example of this misdirected devotion in scripture.  I believe Judas Iscariot was guilty of this very thing.  His devotion to Jesus was full of expectations of who Jesus was and what Jesus would do for him.  Scripture makes it clear that Judas was a thief whose hands were often in the money bags in his role as treasurer for the disciples (John 12:6).  As time went by and Jesus clearly wasn’t interested in money or fame, Judas became disillusioned and found another avenue to line his pockets as he betrayed Jesus for thirty pieces of silver.  What astounds me is what Judas missed because of his focus on money.  He was one of the twelve yet evidently didn’t know and love Jesus enough to benefit from his teaching and friendship.  He was one of the twelve – living day in and day out with Jesus – and yet able to avoid a loving intimate relationship to the degree that he could betray his teacher.  He lived with the grace that could save him and transform him, but it didn’t touch his soul because he chose the lesser thing.  Even after he realized his error and was filled with remorse he still couldn’t see the grace of Jesus and ended by taking his own life. Judas lived with Jesus and yet tried to shape him into what he wanted to see and serve.  The real Jesus had so much more to offer Judas if only he had seen and received.

Hebrews 13:5 tells us: “Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’” Money is just one idol that can get in the way of my relationship with God.  I feel compelled to look at my point of need and carefully assess if I am making an idol god that I expect to meet that need.  “Lord – I don’t want to cling to a worthless idol and miss the grace that could be mine.  Give me the eyes to truly see you, the heart to truly serve you, and the will to cling to you even through the hard graces that reveal the real me.”

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Fear

Posted on June 3, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
1 John 4:18

I woke today to beautiful, glorious, blue skies.  This has been the longest winter of my life in every possible aspect.  I’m sure my perspective is skewed, but I remember skies of prevailing blue only when I’ve been away from home.  Is that possible?  Whatever the truth, today I SEE the cornflower sky and feel myself lighten in response.  Thank you Lord!

Yesterday was a weepy day.  No torrents of grief, just a pervading mist like those Oregon coast days where the clouds kiss the earth and sea all the day long.  And then in the night a time of ‘why’ again and that core-of-my-being missing Becky.  In this mental processing I thought back to the beginning and recognized that fear is one emotion I have not experienced.  I knew this as I thought about family and friends who responded to Becky’s accident with heightened worry about travel for their children or themselves.  Fear seems to me a natural response to an event so out of the natural order.  So why haven’t I feared? 

What is there to fear in this situation?  My own death – that doesn’t concern me at all except as to wondering about the details of the departure. To borrow from Paul – “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. Philippians 1:21”  The death of another that I love – this is something of which I choose not to think.  I want to be next in line for death, but I know I do not have the rights to create this order. I also know from experience that God will sustain those of us left if the sequence differs from my druthers.  To live in fear of death is to live death every day.  I see no point.  I could fear eternal loss or punishment, but I know beyond a shadow of doubt — a most elusive and improbable thing, that shadow — that eternity waits and that in eternity I will know and be known.  I look forward to and even long for the day that I will see Jesus face to face and reunite with my family and friends who already look on his face.  After these things there is little left to fear and frankly I don’t have the energy for it. I am thankful for the perfect love of Father God demonstrated in Jesus that gives me a fearless foundation unshakeable even by death and loss. This foundation gives me the freedom to focus my emotional energy on living and healing and seeking God.  Praise Him!

 “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure.”  
1 John 3:1-3

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Comfort

Posted on June 2, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort , who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.”  
2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Not long ago – at the New Year in 2010 – I recall confessing to the Lord that I was way too comfortable.  Steve and I were at the place in life where our kids were grown and happy in the Lord.  We were financially secure, enjoying traveling together, and enjoying the community of Christ with which we are involved.  We had weathered some tough seasons over the years and life was good and without evident trials to mar comfortableness.  I felt ready for a challenge – maybe a new way to serve the Lord.

The comfortableness is way gone.  I’ve been challenged beyond anything I could have imagined just a year and a half ago.  In the midst of the challenge God has shown me comfort and taught me how to be a comforter – even when I’m not comfortable.  When Steve preached at Boise Bible College’s Spring Conference recently he spoke on why he loves the church. A lot of his sermon and our experience came from the church’s supportive response to Becky’s death.  What I was unprepared for after Steve’s sermon was the number of people who spoke to the two of us about their own experience of grief and suffering.  So many people have suffered through a grievous loss.  Some experienced the loss many years ago and came to comfort us.  Some were deep in the grip of grief over a loss and came to us for comfort.  From Boise we went on to Creighton University in Omaha and experienced a memorial for Becky, the Hooding Ceremony for her class and the graduation ceremony.  At each situation we were comforted over and over and, once again, found ourselves in the place to comfort others.  This experience is a constant in our lives now primarily because sorrow is everywhere and in nearly every person we encounter.

I love the picture of comfort that I see in scripture.  The source of all comfort is God the Father.  As His comfort flows to us to assuage our sorrows we are equipped to turn around and comfort those who hurt with the same comfort that we have received.  We exist in an ongoing stream of comfort whose fountainhead is Father God.  The Greek word translated comfort is ‘parakaleo’ and it is an encouragement to me that in John’s gospel we see Holy Spirit called ‘parakletos’ – Comforter – a name intimately related to that word.  Holy Spirit is the ‘one called alongside’ to comfort us and teach us and counsel us and he often does this work through us!  Today I am thankful for the many comforters in my life and I’m thankful to be called into the role of comforter.

“If you love me, you will obey what I command.  And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.  I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.”  John 14:15-19

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GLEANINGS from Clauda: June

Posted on June 1, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well.  It gave me great joy to have some brothers come and tell about your faithfulness to the truth and how you continue to walk in the truth. I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.”  3 John 2-4

Our family gathers this year in late June for ‘Grandmapa Camp’. Our hope is that our kids, their spouses, and our grandkids will be able to have at least a couple of days together. Our camp this year was timed so that Becky could come. The following captures some of my feelings and hopes as we approach this time together.

June one
When you first left
I thought another June would never come
Could summer dare to show
When you would not know

And here we are
Inexorable as the day you died
Time lives and flows
Although – a tribute perhaps
Summer hides her face

I so miss you still
Yet I feel life
Pushing through
The dark in me
Stirring . . . waiting . . . hoping

Soon we who are different now
For lacking you
Will gather for fun
And love
Missing you

I pray
Your humor
And love and new life
Will win the day
With us

A party
But not a wake
Awakening to life
Without you – but
Enjoying you

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