Grief – Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

Posted on February 17, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

About Becky – Becky was in her final year of Pharmacy School through Creighton University’s Distance Pharmacy program.  She had just started her sixth of eight Rotations when she died.  Becky’s classmates went to the Dean of the Pharmacy School to ask the school to award her degree at commencement on May 14, 2011.  The Dean took this request to the President of Creighton and he gave his approval to award a posthumous Doctor of Pharmacy degree to Becky.  Jacob, Amity, Dara and Steve and I went to Becky’s Hooding and Graduation.  The following poem was written in mid-February as Beck’s classmates began posting to Facebook about graduation plans.

Yesterday
I saw her friends
Planning and plotting
Interviewing and winning positions
Applying for graduation
And cheering each other on
She would’ve been in the thick of this
Competing for positions
Head cheerleader for her friends
Excited and daunted and running
To a graduation so close
But still just out of reach

Today
Graduation’s importance fades
She’s won the prize and knows
Cheerleading still, she watches
Anticipating the joy of her friends
Urging them on to something much bigger 

Tomorrow
We will attend graduation
And cry tears mixed of sorrow
For what we thought would be
And joy at what is
So proud of her friends and of Becky

“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13-14

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-3

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Grief – Abiding in Christ and His People

Posted on February 16, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love. If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love.” John 15:9-10

Being in the valley of the shadow of death for a season has shown me the immense value of abiding in Jesus. For the last seven weeks I’ve depended upon the fruit of many years of abiding in the Lord. Prayer has not been a challenge for me, but at times spending focused disciplined time in the Word has been nearly impossible. The implanted Word has sustained me and poured out of me during this time.

Like most of us, I’ve lived a checkered life of abiding – at times firmly connected to the vine and at other times wondering if I’m going to be pruned away due to my inattention. But over the course of my life the overall theme and activity has been that of an abiding relationship with the Lord. Another aspect of this abiding is that even in those desert times when I’ve been struggling in my relationship with the Lord, I have remained attached to His Body – the church. Since I gave my life to Jesus at age 17 I’ve never been away from the church for more than a few weeks.

In the midst of this crisis time God has continued to pour His love and care into my life through His Saints. Dear friends from Suburban and from churches throughout our community and country have been in constant communication through cards, emails, Facebook, phone calls, and visits. I know without a doubt that prayer is raised on my behalf continually. Upon my recent return to Corvallis from Jacob’s home, four of my friends came to me to bring me information from the recent Prayer Summit that I missed and to pray over me in response to the needs that I expressed to them. What a blessing! As they prayed I pictured me abiding in the vine and then being further attached via their individual attachments to Jesus as they laid hands on me to pray.

I can’t imagine going through this grief without a deep attachment to the Lord and His people.

“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” 1 John 4:10-12

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Grief – Trusting the Mind of God

Posted on February 15, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

Recently a friend asked “How can you say God is good when He has the power to intervene and doesn’t? Would I be good if I saw one of my children in trouble and it was within my capacity to act on their behalf and I didn’t do it?”

In trying to make sense of this question, I thought of an incident from my oldest daughter’s infancy. Kristin was a precocious walker and at only ten months old she was making her wobbly way around our little house in Kansas. One bitterly cold winter’s day I stepped out of our kitchen onto the back porch to do some laundry. Knowing this would take only a couple of minutes, I left Kristin playing quietly in the kitchen letting the back porch door close behind me. I had my back to the door area, but became aware of a noise behind me. I turned just in time to see Kristin having pushed the door open to take a wobbly step down into the porch area to find her balance by placing the palm of her left hand flat on the top of a very hot gas space heater. I screamed and grabbed her, but not in time to prevent a significant burn to her hand. I ran next door to the church and got Steve and we rushed Kristin into the hospital emergency room to get her hand treated. I remember her cries as I held her hand against the freezing cold window all the way into the hospital some 25 miles away.

This incident was hard, but what followed was nearly unbearable. Kristin’s palm raised up in one huge blister. The ER doctor said that Kristin needed further treatment. Her hand needed to be immersed in a whirlpool treatment and then the dead skin needed to be cut away or she could face permanent scarring and crippling of her hand. So a couple of days after the burn, Kristin and I went back to the hospital. It was my job to hold her and, while doing so, immerse her little hand in a whirlpool bath of warm water. Then after her hand had soaked for a time, I held her while a medical person cut away the dead skin and then re-bandaged her hand. Needless to say, Kristin didn’t rest peacefully in my lap appreciating the effort I was making to keep her from being crippled. She cried long and loud. I can only imagine her broken heart as her Mommy participated in this painful procedure and held her down so that it could happen. I could’ve stopped what was happening, I could’ve picked her up and walked out of the room, but I didn’t. Clearly I did what I did completely from the standpoint of love, but there was no way Kristin could’ve understood what was happening as inspired by love. The mind of a ten month old can comprehend very little of the mind of a 24 year old.

As I remembered this incident I thought of how little the mind of man can comprehend the mind of God. The difference between what I understand of God’s mind and His work in my life is far greater than the difference between ten month old Kristin’s ability to grasp 24 year old Claudia’s mind and purposes.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”  Isaiah 55:8-9

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him”—but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man’s spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words. The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned. The spiritual man makes judgments about all things, but he himself is not subject to any man’s judgment: “For who has known the mind of the Lord that he may instruct him?” But we have the mind of Christ. 1 Cor 2:9-16

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Grief – Valentine’s Day

Posted on February 14, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

Valentine’s day. Fresh grief washes over me. I grieve for my loss – the loss of a beloved daughter whose very life reflected the depth of my love for Steve, my valentine. I grieve for Jacob’s loss – on Valentine’s Day in 1998 Jacob proposed to Becky at a restaurant in our town. Becky spoke often about how sweet it was to have Jacob on one knee proposing in the restaurant as other diners looked on teary-eyed. And I grieve for the daughters she loved so deeply and who love her so much. This first and defining experience of love in their lives has been ripped away from them at a tender age.

I’ve said several times over the weeks since Becky died, and I will remind myself again, that I would not give up the years of life with Becky even though it would mean not going through this pain now. I know Jacob believes this also. I trust this truth for the girl’s lives too – that the time they had with Becky has made an indelible difference in the way they will love their own husbands and children in the future.

Even though Becky’s physical presence is gone from us, the impact of her love on our lives is in no way lost. Love is eternal, it never fails. Happy Valentine’s Day Becky!

“Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.” Song of Songs 8:7

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13

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Grief – Answered Prayer

Posted on February 11, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

I mentioned earlier that I’ve been praying constantly since the accident. I’ve clearly seen answer to my prayers in the connection I feel to the Lord and in the every day comfort He has provided. There have been other very tangible answers also and I want to share one of those now.

On Monday, January 3, Steve and I returned home to prepare for Becky’s memorial service here and to get the house ready for family to come. On Tuesday, January 4, I drove to the airport to pick-up Jacob, Amity and Dara to bring them to our home to stay until the four of us would leave for Jacob’s place again on Saturday, January 8. Jacob also brought with him the urn that held Becky’s earthly remains.

The morning was foggy and slick so I needed to be on alert as I drove, but the minute I got into the car I was awash in grief and tears. You see, prior to this I had not been alone and had been actively involved in caring for others. I had experienced grief and tears, but in little portions and for the most part in response to others. Alone now, I was on the precipice of a deep valley of tears that threatened to swallow me and destroy my ability to drive. I made it to a nearby town where I stopped for gas. I pulled away from the gas pump and found a place to park and make a phone call. I spoke to a dear friend about how I was doing, my need to grieve, and my more overriding need to be on alert as I drove to the airport – two hours away. My friend prayed for me and promised to continue praying.

I pulled onto the road and headed for the nearby freeway entrance to begin my trek to the airport. Again fighting tears I scanned the entrance lane aware of a loaded open-bedded pick-up truck in front of me and a tour bus in the right hand freeway lane to the left of the entrance lane. I picked up speed all the while gauging where my ‘spot’ to get on the freeway would come. As I looked forward at the truck in front of me again, to my horror and astonishment the pick-up dropped its load! I had no where to go, so I slammed on my brakes and steered to the shoulder. I watched the car behind me in the entrance lane do the same in time to avoid rear-ending me. At the same time I saw that the pick-up’s load had partially dropped into the oncoming tour bus’s lane. I watched masterful driving as the bus driver simply held his ground and drove right over the debris in his lane – not swerving into the entry lane where I was, and not swerving into the left hand freeway lane where other cars were motoring on. The next thing I knew the guys in the pick-up truck were out of the truck, running into lanes of traffic gathering up the stuff they dropped. No property or person was injured in the midst of this potential demolition derby. As I got my breath back and scanned the road to be sure I could safely get on the highway in the wake of all of this I realized that I had great clarity and focus. There were no longer tears of grief drawing my attention – rather I was riding an adrenaline wave that had me on high alert.

I see an answer to prayer here. This was an accident averted by the skill and attention of the people involved, but for me it went one step further to be the situation that gave me what I needed to make it to Portland without harm. I praise God for the way He made me – that the adrenaline He placed in my body for just these kinds of situations was my helper on this day. These kinds of praises raise questions too – for instance “why didn’t God intervene in some way or provide in some way in Becky’s accident?” I don’t know the answer to that question, but I know that my questions will not stop me from praising Him for blessings clearly provided.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”  Ps 139:14

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Grief – Death is Center Stage

Posted on February 9, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

Death has taken center stage in my life. It is as if death owns me, governs my every move. Ambition is gone and goal-setting a thing of the past. Most of the time I haven’t the energy to do much more than get out of bed. In a perverse way I’m comforted to see others responding to Becky’s death in a similar manner. I have this inner diagram that puts those impacted by Becky’s death on concentric circles of grief. I see Jake and the girls as at ground zero, Steve, my girls and me at the closest possible next circle, other family and dear friends at the next circle, those who love us at the next circle, and on and on. As I’ve interacted with those on the inner circles of grief we’ve reacted much the same way. My sister told me that she’s lost herself. The job that she once loved and for which she expended a limitless supply of energy no longer seems important. She can hardly bring herself to go to work because work seems trivial. She and her husband are going away for a week, a vacation planned long ago, and she hopes to find herself again.

It takes discipline to get through the days now. I get up; I go through the motions required even accomplishing tasks that are productive. It just feels like the heart has gone out of me. But with this reality, there are glimmers of the old drive manifesting in a new way that tell me that this phase of grief won’t last forever. I feel a compulsion to journal – that is a very new thing for me, something I’ve not been able to do consistently in the past. One of our daughters has been asked to teach at a Women’s Retreat the second weekend of April. Becky’s death is motivating her as to what to teach – a new thing in her life. And in so many others I see that ‘one thing’ that is changing in response to this deep loss. And often it seems the ‘one thing’ is not only healing to the one engaging in the activity, it is pouring streams of life into others.

My heart goes out in loving prayer to Jacob and the girls as they discipline themselves to figure out each new day how to live without Becky. Theirs is the lion’s share of loss and therefore of disciplined trudging forward. They are ever in my prayers.

“You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.” Ps 18:28

“Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca (Valley of Tears), they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion. Hear my prayer, O LORD God Almighty; listen to me, O God of Jacob.” Psalms 84:5-8

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Grief – God as Enemy or Answer?

Posted on February 8, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

In the beginning of this grief journey I vacillated between seeing God as the enemy, the one who took Becky away; and seeing God as the answer, the one who holds her now and brings me comfort.

This is probably one of the oldest struggles common to man. Who is this God? What is this God? Is He some power-hungry tyrant choosing to do what He wants with us to fulfill His own megalomania? Is He like the alien child in Stephen King’s “The Dome” enjoying the spectacle of our response to his ‘playing’ with us? Or does He deeply care about us and connect with us emotionally as we struggle through the grievous events of our lives.

There is a lot about God and how He acts in our lives that I don’t understand. But as I’ve gone through this grief journey I’ve found a new appreciation for the simple good news of the gospel. The fact that God put on flesh and came to live and die for us; the truth that Jesus lived out a life that included pain, sorrow, and a hideous death at the hands of megalomaniacs — mere human megalomaniacs at that — tells me immense truth about our God. He didn’t have to do what He did for us. He didn’t have to veil His power and let us torture and abuse Him. He didn’t have to die. God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, the great Three-In-One, out of the deepest love imaginable, collaborated in the craziest, most unrewarding rescue scheme ever. God chose death to give us life and love.

I’ve found immense comfort as the walls I built up against ‘God as the enemy’ have come down and I’ve felt free to receive love from the ‘God who knows death.’

“Living He loved me; Dying He saved me; Buried He carried my sins far away. Rising He justified; Freely forever; One day He’s coming; Oh glorious day! Oh glorious day!” From’ Glorious Day’ by Casting Crowns     Glorious Day by Casting Crowns

“You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:6-8

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Grief – The Senses Grieve

Posted on February 7, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

Grief is surprisingly sensual. Every sense seems heightened as if attuned to opportunities to grieve. Recently I decided to drive through Starbucks and as it came into my visual field I immediately found myself in tears. The Starbucks was landscaped with beautiful lavender Heather in full bloom. When we lived in our previous home our Sequoia tree in the front yard was surrounded by a fairy ring of Heather. I loved late January when it would come to life and early announce the coming of Spring. When we lived in that place Becky was alive and living in our home. That was all it took – no conscious thought, just the beauty of Heather and I was in tears and thankful for dark glasses that concealed my eyes.

The right smell, the sound of the music that she loved, the loving touch of a friend’s hug, the color red, over and over and at the oddest times my senses remind me of Becky. This experience extends to the supernatural world too. Scriptures have taken on new depth as I realize them within the context of a dearly loved one’s death. Prayer is constant but not necessarily conscious. I’m aware of the spiritual in ways new to me. I love more deeply and that depth extends both to my relationship with God and to those He has given me to love here on earth. My compassion is aroused and tears, again, surface readily for my fellow sufferers.

In all my life I’ve never been a crier and I’m shocked by all of this and find myself wondering when I will be ‘normal’ again. When will I get back to being one for whom tears are a rare hard thing? I’m surprised to find hope that at some level the changes are permanent – not that I want to be a walking raw wound the rest of my life given to tears in the oddest circumstances, but that the appreciation and depth I’ve gained relationally remains part of the new me.

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. The wild animals honor me, the jackals and the owls, because I provide water in the desert and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise.”  Isaiah 43:19-21

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Grief – Prayer Sustains

Posted on February 4, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

I don’t know what I would do without prayer.

I vividly remember that first phone call as we sat down to dinner at 5:14 p.m. on the night that Becky died. All we knew was that Becky had been in an accident, that Jacob was on his way to the hospital, and that he was pretty broken up. That was the extent of the message. I immediately lost my appetite and felt the knife edge of fear pierce my heart. But almost in the same breath I was engulfed in peace and calm. I found myself praying for Becky’s life and at the same time praying “Lord prepare us for whatever comes.” The rest of the evening was continual prayer for Becky, for Jacob, for Steve and my girls and my granddaughters, and whatever groaning the Spirit was praying on my behalf.

Within minutes of the first call we sent out a prayer chain request for prayers for Becky. Over the course of time people were praying all over the world. Even today, five weeks after Becky’s death people continue to lift us, Jake and the girls, and the rest of the family in prayer.

I’ve been amazed at the ongoing connection that I feel with the Lord throughout this. I haven’t felt forsaken or abandoned even when I’ve been at my lowest in grief. I’ve felt attached to Him, I’ve been aware of His comfort, I’ve sensed His willingness to listen to all my complaints and deep sorrow. Even when I’ve had some stubborn recalcitrant moments, I’ve sensed Him waiting patiently – wanting to comfort me. I wake up in the morning to worship songs pouring from my heart. I attribute this to prayer. It is as if prayer has been the umbilical cord keeping me attached to my Lord and God. I don’t think I’ve stopped praying at some level since the night of the accident and I know people have been praying for me at all hours of the day and night since then.

For this I am exceedingly grateful.

“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.” Romans 8:26-27

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

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Grief – Mourning Song

Posted on February 3, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

Mourning Song

“Can’t wait to see you again!”
Was our goodbye
Three days later death
Bore down upon you and
Pushed you from this world
No hurt to you but
Ripping hearts for you asunder
I can’t stop crying
And hear the cries of mourning
From time’s beginning
In my sobs
Death is not our friend
Death is the mortal enemy
Death I hate
I keep looking for you
Feeling this certainty that
I can see you again
Around this corner
Or in that chair
Is this foolishness?
The folly of a wishful heart?
Or is it deep truth
Whispering to me ‘wait’
She will be in your arms
Again
Sobs rise and I hear
One sobbing in companion agony
And I smell a tree smell
And sense a night dark and deep
Here’s the clank of armor
The drawing of swords
And He whose death kills death
Is taken away to obedience
Death where is your victory?
Death where is your sting?
Thank God for love and
Life manifested in
Death
Even death on a cross

I will wait

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