GLEANINGS FROM CLAUDIA: Almost a Year

Posted on December 24, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

I’ve been busy of late. So busy that there hasn’t been time to think or feel. I see this as a mercy because when moments of quiet come I cry. While I don’t think tears are wrong or bad I also don’t want to go back to a place where every time I sit or move or breathe I cry. But the very idea that I don’t want to go back implies progress. I’ve moved from one kind of grief to another less dominate and pervasive grief.

Today is the day before Christmas and less than a week until the year anniversary of Becky’s death. How could it possibly be a year? I remember last Christmas with gratitude that the family was together and enjoyed one last season of laughter and fun with Becky. I remember it with anxiety almost like someone watching a movie and wishing, wishing that I could say “No! Stop! Don’t drive that van home – stay in a motel!!” There is an inevitable forward motion in the sequence of days that I couldn’t stop then and that I certainly can’t undo now. But oh how I would if I could.

Woven into the dark sorrow are shiny strands of blessing. I’ve so enjoyed having our pre-adolescent grandchildren in our lives again. Their move here has blessed me and stretched me and caused me to depend even more upon God. They gave us a reason to again enjoy some of the traditions and trappings of Christmas that I’m not sure I could’ve faced without their presence to motivate me. They spent an evening decorating our tree and house with us. Today we painted little plaster houses and shops together with Aunt Joni and started a new tradition where together we will set out this little village each year. They are thrilled with the presents under the tree and can’t wait to be with the various branches of the family to celebrate Christmas this year. All of this is the sweetness of life.

Over this year God has shown me Himself in ways I’d not known before Becky died and sorrow overtook me. He is sufficient even in the most extreme circumstance. He loves me and He comforts me and He provides even before I know to ask. He created me as I am and accepts my weakness. His people continue to reach out to me and pray for me and those I love. The truths that I ‘knew’ before are the bedrock of my life now and sustain me day in and out.

These days I feel like a walking paradox. I’m deeply sad, but full of joy. I could care less about Christmas, but thrill again at seeing it through the eyes of a child. Tinsel and tradition don’t move me, but the undeniable truth of Christmas keeps my head above water and is the air I breathe.

Just six more nights and we’ll be past this year of firsts. I have deliberately brought Him the first fruits of my grief over this year – hiding nothing from Him and seeking to honor and glorify Him in that grief. In return He is pouring His cooling and comforting Spirit over me and keeping me afloat.

Becky – this year you have the better part as you celebrate Emmanuel, God with us, with Him! This is another new thing from this year of learning – I can’t wait to be with the Lord! The Spirit and the Bride say ”Come!”

“The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let him who hears say, “Come!” Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life.” Revelation 22:17

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Christmas Truth

Posted on December 13, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6-7

The last week or two have been insanely busy. We’ve had parties and choir events and rehearsals and weddings and a funeral and on and on. Today I’ve finally been home long enough to actually clean house and prepare for a Bible Study at our home tomorrow night. This relatively slow pace has given me more time to ponder and realize again just how much I miss Becky. This morning when I took the girls to school I had to go in briefly to leave some money for their lunches. I saw a friend and heard myself saying something that included the words ‘since Becky died.’ And once again that sense of shock and realization. Becky died? How could that be?

I have a gap in my understanding of time. It is as if the year 2011 has not happened. I’m frozen in 2010. And that whole frozen thing – the cold lately has taken me back to the day after Becky died when we arrived in Spokane. That day and the days following are the coldest series of days I’ve ever experienced. I remember one night when we stepped out of Jacob’s place into negative 14 degrees for our trip to the home where we stayed in Rosalia. Now the cold dry air transports me to that few days again.

I am physically tired and I want to rest quietly in my home, but sitting quietly is fraught with emotion. There is also much to do. Usually way before this point in December all of our Christmas shopping is done, wrapped and shipped.  We’ve usually crafted a Christmas letter and gotten it stuffed into cards and mailed off to the people we love. This year I am so challenged by the thought of a Christmas letter that I’m not sure we’re going to send a letter or cards. We are nowhere near being done with shopping and I struggle to care.

This last Sunday I sang with our choir giving glory to God. I spoke about the joy of Christmas and about God joying over us. I worshipped Him deeply, in spirit and in truth. The truth I spoke and sang is what matters to me this Christmas. I struggle with energy or desire for any of the trappings, but I wholeheartedly and deeply feel and believe the truth of God with us, loving us, saving us, delivering us from sin and death. I believe in eternity and a day that will make my joy and God’s joy complete when we are face to face. And I believe that there will be a party when I get to heaven and see those who have gotten to go before me!

“Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:3-4

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Happy Birthday Becky!

Posted on December 7, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

Becky Collage 12-7-11

It is a hard day and a day of delight! Thirty Three years ago today Rebecca Dawn Lee made her appearance in our world. What a blessing ‘Becky’ is in our lives. I hope you’ll humor a loving Mom as I remember more about Becky.

Becky was by far our hardest tiny baby. Her first week of life she was a quiet, cuddly, and easy baby, but after that she developed a colic of some kind and cried nearly continually except when eating and for about half hour after a meal. It was bad enough that I actually asked our doctor about it and he said there was nothing to be done but for Becky to outgrow it, although he was happy to prescribe tranquilizers for me and Steve. We ignored that offer and put significant miles on the car driving her to sleep. At about 4 months Becky did outgrow the colic and became a smiley, sweet, and active baby.

Becky had a way of capturing hearts with her outgoing personality and ready smile. Our next door neighbor in Tulsa, Oklahoma, a place we lived from just before Becky’s first birthday until she was a second grader, called Becky ‘Bubbles’ because she just seemed to overflow with life and good cheer. Becky would go and go often not slowing down until her slow-down was a break-down. I have a couple of pictures of her very grumpily stepping away from the swing in our backyard because she had actually fallen asleep while sitting on the swing and swinging! She also didn’t know how to respect other people’s boundaries at times. For her teasing and joking and touching and attention were the way she connected. There would be times that I needed her to stop and would ask nicely several times for her to do so. She was unable to stop until I had to get demanding or even discipline her. Then there would be tears and hurt. She was very demonstrative in her affection. Even into her teens Becky would sit cuddled up to me in church and lean her head on my shoulder. She taught me a lot about the importance of demonstrating love with hugs and touch since I come from a loving, but, at least when I was young, not particularly demonstrative family.

There are several stories from Becky’s childhood that continue to delight me and now delight her girls. When Becky was about 18 months I had put her and Kristin down for a nap. After a bit I heard a strange squeaking hinge sound come from their room.  Upon investigating I found Becky astride her bouncing rocking horse, a huge smile on her face, jumping away! She had never before gotten on her horse by herself, but boy was she having a great time. Another time when she was around two years old she came running out of her room breathlessly telling me that there was a rabbit in her room! I went to investigate that claim, decidedly skeptical, and found no evidence of even a stuffed rabbit.  Becky was insistent, but we just had to let it drop.  Not too long later, I saw a mouse in the kitchen, right next to her room! I think her rabbit had a long tail and a pointy nose, but she didn’t know what to call it at that time.  Another time when Becky was just beginning to talk we had a huge thunderstorm. I had the front door open with the screen shut so that we could sit and watch the light show in the heavens and the downpour of rain. Becky turned to me eyes wide and exclaimed “Kaboomers and lightballs!” One time when we were camping at a state park in Oklahoma the three girls made the short trek to the restroom near our tent. When they came back five year old Becky was carrying a baby bunny in her arms that she had caught! We made her release it into the wild to find its Mommy, but to this day I can’t imagine how she caught it! On that same trip the girls and I were heading down to the dock to fish. Becky was responsible for carrying the bait box. She was a step or two behind me and I began to hear whimpers. I turned to see a long nightcrawler dangling from the box intent upon escape and Becky petrified by that worm. This may have been the trip that turned her off to nature except as an intent observer. The final story I’ll share is a time when Joni was a year, Becky was almost three, and Kristin was four.  Steve — and I’m still astounded by this — let me fly to Oregon to attend my cousin’s wedding while he stayed with the girls. This was back in the day when you could stand by the runway and watch the planes take off.  As Steve and the girls watched my plane climb into the clouds little almost three year old Becky turned to her Daddy and said with certainty “God is up to Oregon.”  While I don’t disagree with that concept, it was pretty awesome to watch her almost three year old reasoning that decided since Mommy was going to Oregon and Oregon was up in the clouds and heaven was ‘up’, then God must be in Oregon!

Becky is the middle girl of three sisters. How they fought and played and loved each other. Kristin was born in April of 1977, Becky in December of 1978, and Joni in September of 1980. They were close in time and became close in relationship. It wasn’t always easy, but the love the girls have for each other as adults reflects the bond they developed growing up.  There are stories to tell of their teen years and the trouble the got into together, but I’ll leave that for another time because I have a party to prepare for! Tonight Joni, Jake, Amity, Dara and Steve and I will eat Becky’s favorite foods and then spend some time decorating our house for Christmas. I may read this post to the girls because they delight in hearing stories of their Mom. They left for school today excited for tonight – I’m so glad!

I’ve said it before, I’m saying it now, and I’m sure I’ll say it again to remind myself if for no other reason — I wouldn’t give up having known Becky to save myself and those I love the hurt that we know now.  A Becky-less life would be a shade less brilliant and significantly less sweet. What a blessing both the little Becky and the grown-up Becky are in my life! I’m looking forward to seeing Becky again – thank You Lord for giving her to us for a season! I know You and Becky are enjoying celebrating her life in You today!

“Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb.  I thank you, High God — you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration — what a creation!  You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; you know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, the days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day.”  Psalms 139:13-16 ”The Message”

 

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Memories

Posted on December 6, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him.”  Psalms 127:3

It is the eve of Becky’s 33rd birthday and I’ve been walking down memory lane. I woke this morning to memories of Alva, Oklahoma – the little town that Steve and I lived in when Becky was born. I still remember a July 1978 visit to Alva from our then home in Hartford, Kansas. I was nearly 6 months pregnant with Becky and we had 15 month old Kristin with us. We visited to find a place to live in Alva because Town and Country Christian Church of Alva had just called Steve to come and preach. It was an incredibly hot summer in northwestern Oklahoma and our July visit came after 2 weeks of consecutive days of temperatures over 100.  For a pregnant not-that-long-ago transplanted Oregonian the climate was misery. We searched for reasonable housing and I cried in the parking lot of an apartment complex with a concrete play area that radiated heat like an open oven door. I had never wanted to live in an apartment and I most decidedly did not want to live in one with my soon to be two small children. We finally found a little older home to rent. There were two down sides to this little home – no air conditioning and a very steep descent into the basement to do laundry – a bit awkward as my pregnancy progressed — but I loved that little house.

Becky was born in Share Memorial Hospital in Alva. As she made her way into the world, our doctor realized that the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck. He maneuvered her in such a way that the cord was unwrapped before she was fully born, even so she didn’t cry immediately and she was a dusky color. But in a matter of moments she found her voice and let the world know that she had arrived and she was none too happy about it. She was the first baby born in the hospital in December of 1978 and she was sent home in a very large Christmas stocking. Jacob and the girls still have that stocking today.

Soon after Becky made her appearance we found and bought an older home that needed some fixing up. The home was situated on one of the main thoroughfares into town. At one end of the street and at the top of a slight hill above our home was Northwestern Oklahoma State University, the main employer of the town. At the other end of the street was the downtown area of Alva. A real plus to the home’s situation was that the local library was within an easy walk of our home. My main job for the ‘fixing up’ of this home was providing care for Kristin and Becky. Steve did a lot of mostly cosmetic work on the house with the benefit that a home that we bought for $12,000 and owned for a very short time was sold for over $20,000! What a shock to realize you can’t even buy a car for those prices today!

For the first week of Becky’s life Kristin was about 3 hours away in Tulsa with Grandma and Grandpa Lee. Kristin was 19 months old and it was such a blessing and so terribly hard to have her away during that first week. When Grandpa and Grandma Lee brought Kristin back after her first ever time away from home I was amazed at how much she had grown overnight! She had been my ‘baby’ when she left and now she became a toddler before my very eyes. I remember so well those last weeks of pregnancy wondering how there would ever be room in our hearts for this new baby when we loved Kristin so totally and completely. But of course when Becky came our hearts and love expanded and that concern vanished. And then Joni came just 20 months later and the uncertainty about enough love never even came up. Kristin loved Becky from the start and I don’t remember jealousy or angst about this new baby in the house. I think the hardest part about Becky’s infancy for Kristin was waiting for her to be old enough to play! I could tell so many more stories. I miss Becky so, but I know that I’ve been blessed. I wouldn’t trade the years of memories for a pain-free today.

“Children’s children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children.” Proverbs 17:6

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: JOY!

Posted on December 5, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“The LORD your God in the midst of you is mighty; He will save; He will rejoice over you with joy; He will rest in His love; He will joy over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17(word for word translation from Hebrew)

This year I’m participating in our church’s Christmas choir. It has been wonderful to learn the music and practice with the choir, thereby enjoying a many month preparation for Christmas. One of the elements I love in Christmas music is the element of joy. Joy permeates the songs of Christmas and lifts our spirits as we sing. And why not joy? The birth of any baby tends to elicit a joy response. Even in a new mother who has just endured what is likely the greatest physical pain of her life the appearance of this tiny human being birthed from her body brings a huge rush of joy. How much more the birth of Jesus, Emmanuel, God become man, bears the power to bring us joy.

As I’ve labored to learn the music for the Christmas program I’ve come to know my fellow choir members better.  Even in the months that we’ve worked together I’ve seen several of them suffer grief – the death of a much loved grandparent or nephew, the continuing sorrow associated with a chronic illness, the shock of a new diagnosis in a loved one. I’ve seen and shed tears over these situations and loss in my own life. But under, over and through all of this sad stuff of life is the unalterable truth and reality of joy. I see this joy on the faces of my fellow choir members as together we sing the songs that declare the eternal reality of joy in Jesus.

As we sing and celebrate we simply tap into the abundant joy of the author and creator of life. It is as if focusing on the LORD our God punctures the darkness and allows us to live in and breathe of His overabundant joy. I’ve long held Zephaniah 3:17 in my heart. Zephaniah tells us that God is ‘joying’ and His ‘joying’ is in US! This verse is a verse of continuing action – He joys now and He will joy forever. It speaks to me of the joy of a mother gazing into her newborn’s face and singing lullabies of love over that precious child. It speaks to me of the joy of a Daddy figuratively spiking a football and whirling around in a victory dance as he hands out cigars at the birth of his child saying “Look what I’ve done!”

I also love Hebrews 12:2 because it shows us the ongoing joy of God as we see Jesus enduring the cross for the joy set before Him – our salvation! Take joy fellow sufferer! Our God is mighty to save and He joys over us with singing!

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”  Hebrews 12:2

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: An Accidental Blessing

Posted on December 4, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalms 91:1-2

Yesterday about mid-morning we got a call from a friend of a friend that started out with words similar to “There’s been an accident.”  From the moment I heard those words I felt a familiar fear in the pit of my stomach and tears surfaced. The fear grew as our friend went on to briefly describe the injuries of our friend to the extent that she could as a second-hand source. Steve got ready and headed off to the emergency room to be there with the family and offer prayer and support in any way he could. I sent off a prayer request to our church’s prayer chain and the church’s Facebook page and texted our daughter Joni asking her to pray. And then I waited.

It wasn’t terribly long before Steve called to say that our friend would be OK. The accident was severe and the relatively light injuries received by our friend and the driver of the truck within which he rode bear the imprint of the hand of God somehow enfolding and protecting them. Their vehicle was older, the crash a fog-inspired head-on at nearly full speed into an immoveable object with no air bags to soften the blow, and yet the likelihood is both of them will be released from the hospital just a day after the event. I felt and still feel today huge relief and gratitude for the magnitude of this gift to a family we love. As our friend recovers every ache and pain I hear of will feel like a benediction.

When Steve called me with the good news he was in tears and a self-described ‘basket-case’. When I spoke to Joni she shared how she had to read through my initial text a couple of times because she couldn’t stop the tears as she read the request. We are a shell-shocked family immensely more able to share in the fears and grief of others because of our own experience. My joy at the outcome of this scare is powerful.

“But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them that those who love your name may rejoice in you. For surely, O LORD, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield.” Psalm 5:11-12

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Grief Again . . .

Posted on November 30, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalms 23:4

Grief has surfaced again after several weeks underground. Life has been delightedly busy of late. With planning events both personal and for our church I’ve been involved in things I love doing that also give me opportunity to relish relationships. Life doesn’t get much better than this.

But we are in the holiday season. Just last year she was alive (can it be a year already?) and grinding toward her winter break from Pharmacy school. Today we grind toward anniversaries that we have no desire to celebrate – her 33rd birthday, Christmas and the first anniversary of the day she died. That day has been safely tucked away in my subconscious, but now it swims into view again. Such a malicious thing is this memory that I’d rather not retain. So many things I forget every day, but not this . . . not this.

Today I heard of a woman just younger than me who waits for her husband to die in the hospital in our town. Today life support was stopped and it is only a matter of time. Upon hearing of this woman’s situation I’m immediately transported to that night and the agony Jacob bore as he waited in the hospital at Becky’s side. It is nearly unbearable to think of now . . . how, oh how did he ever survive that night? How will he survive it again this year? I prayed for him then even more than I prayed for Becky. And I pray for him now even as I pray for this woman who waits tonight.  O God of all comfort I ask You for a miracle of comfort tonight for this woman who waits. She grieves that which has already happened and she grieves in anticipation of that which is to come. Pour Yourself into and over her – give her Your love to help her through this night. Lord, for Jacob and for each of us who miss Becky so much, get us through this dark night of remembering and waiting and dreading the rehearsing of the night Becky died. Once again we walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death – Shepherd us through the dark places as we look to You.

“I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.” Lam 3:19-24

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Eleven Months

Posted on November 29, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

Dear Becky,
Eleven months. I still expect you to walk in the door anytime. I still expect to see a  Facebook or email message or to call you and talk for an hour. You were so present in your absence at Thanksgiving – -how I miss you. I looked at your Dad during our traditional family set up of the Nativity scene and saw him struggling with tears.

But with all of that we are so blessed and so happy. Thanksgiving really was a time of joy. All of the Brown side of the family came for the day except Deven. Deven would have been there, but he is working in Antarctica and couldn’t make the trip back through time and space to be with us. He spoke to us from a day ahead of us via the miracle of cell phone technology accessible even at the South Pole. I found myself wishing that you could speak to us from your vantage point so far ahead of us and so far away.

Your early passing has served to bring us closer as a family. We take advantage of opportunities to get together and we are reluctant to leave when we’ve managed to move schedule mountains to be with each other. We are so blessed to be a family that honestly enjoys one another. That isn’t to say that there are no misunderstandings and no rough edges on the diamond of our gatherings, but somehow we endure the rough stuff to get to the good stuff of love and companionship.

I think I most miss your ‘speed of sound’ wit, your trademark expressions, and your infectious laughter. You always had the perfect comeback or commentary and so often had us in stitches. With all of that you would have died a thousand deaths if you ever thought you had hurt someone’s feelings so your zingers and commentary were never malicious or mean-spirited.

The hurt of losing you seems to have gone underground for much of the time now. I don’t see the girls crying or angry as much. I don’t see me crying or angry as much either, but it is still there. Yesterday I carried your unsold textbooks to my car to take to Jacob and dissolved into tears again. I reread Facebook messages from just two weeks after your death and realized how incredibly naïve I was then. At that time I wondered how long the tears and sorrow would last . . . now I cling to the promise of a day when there will be no more tears.

Are we adjusting? Yes. I suppose in much the same way that an amputee adjusts. The pain remains – some phantom that will never completely vanish. We are gradually shifting our expectations knowing that life will never be exactly what it was before. We are living and loving and laughing and giving and taking joy all the while missing that give and take with you. I know that Jesus is ever-interceding for us. I don’t know about you. But if in the presence of God you still have the ability to pray for us, please pray hope and comfort and peace as time pushes and drags us forward to December 29, 2011. You are deeply loved and sorely missed.
Mom

“Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them. Such a high priest meets our need — one who is holy, blameless, pure, set apart from sinners, exalted above the heavens.”
Hebrews 7:25-26

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Mary’s Grief and Praise

Posted on November 21, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, his mother: “This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too.” Luke 2:34-35

I know we haven’t yet gotten past Thanksgiving, but my mind has been turning to the Christmas story. In the past I’ve often been amazed at the thought of what Mary faced as a young virgin commissioned by God to carry His own Son in her womb and then raise Him to adulthood. The challenges are incredible to consider from the scorn of her community at her pregnant and unmarried state to the chagrin and pain of Joseph her betrothed.

This year I’ve thought of another challenge she faced. It is 40 days after Jesus’ birth and Mary and Joseph have gone to the temple to complete her purification. In the temple Simeon a very devout and very old man approaches Mary and Joseph and prophecies over their son. One phrase had to have stayed with Mary all of her life – “And a sword will pierce your own soul too.” What did that mean to her as she stood holding this precious infant boy? Did it strike terror into her heart? Or did she continue to stand in her faithful declaration that “From now on all generations will call me blessed . . . ?“ And then I imagine her watching as her son, flesh of her flesh, one she has loved and cherished and delighted in watching grow up for thirty three years is beaten and murdered before her eyes. What agony this experience had to be for her.

There is a comfort for me in realizing that the prophetic praise that came from Mary’s mouth after the angel left her is the true status we attribute to Mary. We do think of her as blessed and not as bereft. We think of her as eternally happy and in eternal relationship with her son and savior, Jesus. In the birth, life, and death of Jesus we see the brevity and struggle of life that flows into the reality of eternity. We are allowed to see the end from the beginning – to take a look at life and death from God’s point of view. How I praise the author and finisher of our faith for showing us the way!

“And Mary said: “My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me — holy is his name.” Luke 1:46-49

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: God’s Work in Me

Posted on November 15, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt
offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” Psalms 51:16-17 

Exactly three weeks ago today I had a difficult interaction with the grand-girls that resulted in God calling me to repentance and showing me some idols that I had lifted up in my life. Since God changed my attitude I’ve been so blessed by the difference in the girls and in our interactions. God has given me a steadfast spirit intent upon loving the girls
even while I discipline them or hold the line. I haven’t fallen into shouting or anger, but have managed to state my case with evenness and love. I pray for the girls and our interactions each day as I drive to their home. I pray over them audibly as we drive to school asking God to bless their days and to use them to encourage and support those in their classrooms who are struggling. It seems to me that they are flourishing under this treatment.

Today Dara had a difficult math assignment. It was work that she could do very easily, but there was a lot of it and she just plain didn’t want to settle down to it. I ended up  confiscating a treasured toy until she finished her homework. She expended a lot of emotional energy and angst about the homework and about the lost toy, but in the final analysis she hunkered down and got a significant portion of the work done before I delivered her home at the end of the day. I turned the confiscated property over to Jacob
to be returned to Dara when her work was complete. I encouraged her that we could try again tomorrow, at least if she has homework, and see if she can have the toy near her while she focuses on her work. I know she didn’t like the way her afternoon went, but we never ended up arguing with each other or saying things we would later regret. She saw that the line held even when she pushed on it and whined. She saw that I love her no matter what, but I won’t give in to her.

I so appreciate God’s work in me and the positive impact on my interactions with these two young ladies that I love deeply. O Lord – keep on refining me — cause dross to rise to the surface where it appalls me to see it, but where it can be dealt with by Your mighty grace and power. Thank You for this ongoing work of transformation and love in my life!

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me”. Ps 51:10 

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