“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6-7

The last week or two have been insanely busy. We’ve had parties and choir events and rehearsals and weddings and a funeral and on and on. Today I’ve finally been home long enough to actually clean house and prepare for a Bible Study at our home tomorrow night. This relatively slow pace has given me more time to ponder and realize again just how much I miss Becky. This morning when I took the girls to school I had to go in briefly to leave some money for their lunches. I saw a friend and heard myself saying something that included the words ‘since Becky died.’ And once again that sense of shock and realization. Becky died? How could that be?

I have a gap in my understanding of time. It is as if the year 2011 has not happened. I’m frozen in 2010. And that whole frozen thing – the cold lately has taken me back to the day after Becky died when we arrived in Spokane. That day and the days following are the coldest series of days I’ve ever experienced. I remember one night when we stepped out of Jacob’s place into negative 14 degrees for our trip to the home where we stayed in Rosalia. Now the cold dry air transports me to that few days again.

I am physically tired and I want to rest quietly in my home, but sitting quietly is fraught with emotion. There is also much to do. Usually way before this point in December all of our Christmas shopping is done, wrapped and shipped.  We’ve usually crafted a Christmas letter and gotten it stuffed into cards and mailed off to the people we love. This year I am so challenged by the thought of a Christmas letter that I’m not sure we’re going to send a letter or cards. We are nowhere near being done with shopping and I struggle to care.

This last Sunday I sang with our choir giving glory to God. I spoke about the joy of Christmas and about God joying over us. I worshipped Him deeply, in spirit and in truth. The truth I spoke and sang is what matters to me this Christmas. I struggle with energy or desire for any of the trappings, but I wholeheartedly and deeply feel and believe the truth of God with us, loving us, saving us, delivering us from sin and death. I believe in eternity and a day that will make my joy and God’s joy complete when we are face to face. And I believe that there will be a party when I get to heaven and see those who have gotten to go before me!

“Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:3-4