Grief – Single in Grief

Posted on March 23, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins.” Psalms 25:16-18

Last week sometime I wrote a ‘Gleanings’ about how much I appreciate Steve’s presence and partnership in the midst of our grief journey. This is a truth for my life – a major blessing for which I praise the Lord.

A few days after writing that ‘Gleanings’ I got to spend some time talking to our daughter Joni about her experience with grief. She deeply misses her sister Becky and only one other person in the world can very precisely commiserate with that loss, the loss of a sister, and that is her other sister Kristin. Kristin is five hours a way, raising a family, loving her husband and very actively involved in her church. Kristin and Joni do talk and actually got some significant face-to-face talk time in mid-March when Joni made a weekend trip to Kristin and Christopher’s home. This was a good time of laughing together and enjoying one another. Jacob and the girls got to join them too, so that generation was together, loving each other. I know there was a Becky-shaped hole as they met, but lots of support flowed in that gathering. This time was hard and good, but life dictates that Kristin isn’t very available to Joni.

Joni is single. Over the course of years I’ve watched Joni come to enjoy her home, her job, and her life. She has found places of ministry and been a huge blessing in the lives of several young women at church. Her heart for high school girls has resulted in some long term friendships as these young girls grow up and move on, but keep coming back to Joni’s place. In addition she has blessed many brides-to-be with her admin and relational skills as she filled the role of Wedding Coordinator for them.

Becky’s death has rocked Joni’s contentment. The aspects of her life that once brought her a measure of pleasure and fulfillment somehow just don’t anymore. The quiet times alone in her home no longer feel good, instead they feel lonely. But this is a loneliness that isn’t readily helped. I think at the heart of it this loneliness wants Becky back. But since that is impossible, it is a loneliness that would be blessed to have one special someone who knows her inside and out and loves her unconditionally. This loneliness wants to rant and rave and flash anger and cry and still be loved. This loneliness wants to comfort someone else who feels losing Becky as deeply as Joni does. There are pluses and negatives to the single life, just like there are pluses and negatives to the married life. The thing about grief is that it is isolating by nature and can make a single life feel like solitary confinement – grief highlights, bolds, and underlines the loneliness of living single.

There is comfort in family and all of us have latched on to that comfort. Joni has friends who care about her and have expressed love and support. And the foundation of all comfort is the Lord and I know Joni turns to Him and depends upon Him. Part of me wants to play God again here – to somehow make all of Joni’s sadness go away. Of course I can’t, so instead I pray for this dearly beloved daughter and love on her at every opportunity. I like to pray scripture – here is a scripture that I pray for Joni: “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” Ps 27:13-14

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Grief – Reveals the Real Me

Posted on March 21, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

Almost 12 weeks ago my life and the lives of so many people I love hit the ‘pause’ button. In so many ways I feel caught in the still frame of a moving picture. I’m very aware that Becky has graduated to heaven and I won’t see her on this earth anymore. I can’t exactly say I’m reconciled to this or that I’ve ‘accepted’ it, but I know it in the depth of my heart. The ‘pause’ feeling or feeling ‘caught’ comes in observing myself and those others that I love. That which once brought joy to us is either fraught with pain or devoid of pleasure. We are no longer ‘up to a challenge’ – we simply make it through each day.

I’m discovering much about myself. I’m not fond of open-ended situations especially in those that I love. I want to see things tied up in a neat closure-colored bow, but life is open-ended now. What I once thought was faith in God turns out to be a life where things generally went well. I was able to keep hands-off of situations because they were pretty well under control. Now I find myself fighting the urge to try to undertake God’s job description. I want a measure of healing for those that I love and I want it now. I want their ability to enjoy life restored and I want it now. I want those that I love to be in happy, healthy relationships doing with great joy the things that God has clearly shown them for their lives and I want it now.

I am appalled at myself. It is like I’ve taken an instant immaturity pill. Ugh. What is most distressing is realizing that this was all there all along and God is simply using my current circumstances to highlight it. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa! I am wrestling in prayer with my fleshly tendencies, striving to submit all of this to the Lord.

The theme of my life right now is ‘abide in Christ’. I’ve been living in John 15 and John 17. When I think of abiding I somehow picture a flowing stream – something gentle, something embeded, just peacefully existing in the main of Christ’s life. Today my abiding isn’t full of peace. It is a struggle to move toward Christ and away from this inner compulsion to try to be God in the midst of my situation. It is a very active casting down of the idols that I know I want to build up. It is full of repentance and waiting on the Lord’s transforming work in me and the others that I love.

“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:2-5

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Grief – A Three-fold Cord Will Not Be Broken

Posted on March 17, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Dare I say it? Today feels better. In fact this week has felt better. Don’t misunderstand me. I still miss Becky and hurt to think of my inability to talk to her and hug her. But I didn’t wake up in pain and I don’t have that ‘surface-level tears’ feeling that has been so prevalent in my waking hours. Steve, on the other hand, is hurting more today. He is just plain missing Becky. I can see the sorrow weighing him down and coloring the activities of his day.

I love that God has given us each other. I’ve felt this way through the days of our life together, but never more than as we’ve gone through Becky’s transition to heaven. In God’s graciousness we’ve not been in a place of deep mourning at the same time. Immediately after the memorial service for Becky, I left Corvallis to spend a couple of weeks with Jacob, Amity and Dara. While I was there I processed grief with them. A lot of that processing was working through what they were experiencing – especially Amity and Dara. I held my grief at arm’s length until my return home. Steve, on the other hand, was home alone and faced his deepest sorrow during that two weeks. He ‘turned a corner’ just before I returned home. Because of that, when I came home and collided with my grief he was more able to lift me up.

Something similar happened as we returned from our two week vacation. Being away seemed to give me a time of reprieve from grief. When we returned from the trip I once again collided with intense grief. A lot of that pain had to do with planning into the upcoming graduation ceremony where Becky will be awarded a posthumous Doctorate of Pharmacy. The back and forth with her friends and Creighton’s administration brought back all of the ‘whys’ I’ve asked about Becky’s death. I took a week to process this with the Lord and came again to a place of equilibrium about missing Becky. But then Steve recently saw some of the information about the memorial service for Becky that the Creighton student body is preparing and he was plunged into the same place I was a week ago.

Grief will not be domesticated. It doesn’t fit some identifiable and convenient schedule. It isn’t ‘normal’. It just is. I appreciate Steve’s willingness to let me grieve when I need to grieve. And I’m thankful that I am able to allow him the same freedom. We keep each other in prayer and we trust God’s healing for each other.

The scripture above from Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 was a key part of our ‘candle-lighting ceremony’. In the women’s dorms at Ozark Christian College when a man and woman are engaged the girls from the dorm sit in a circle in a darkened room and scripture is shared that defines the relationship of the man and woman to be engaged. A lit candle with the ring attached is sent around the circle during the ceremony. No one knows who the engaged couple is until the bride-to-be blows out the candle and puts on the ring. The future groom joins the bride-to-be and they accept the congratulations of the girls from the dorm. Ecclesiastes 4 speaks to the power of relationship – that two are better than one and a cord of three strands is not easily broken. How I praise God for Steve’s love that lifts me up and for the power of Christ that keeps each of us and the two of us strong in the face of grief. The scripture that defined our relationship then, continues to powerfully define our relationship now.

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Grief – Eyes on Jesus

Posted on March 15, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“When evening came, his disciples went down to the lake, where they got into a boat and set off across the lake for Capernaum. By now it was dark, and Jesus had not yet joined them. A strong wind was blowing and the waters grew rough. When they had rowed three or three and a half miles, they saw Jesus approaching the boat, walking on the water; and they were terrified. But he said to them, “It is I; don’t be afraid.” Then they were willing to take him into the boat, and immediately the boat reached the shore where they were heading.” John 6:16-21

Matthew 14:23-35 and Mark 6:45-52 both flesh out this passage describing Jesus calming the storm on the Sea of Galilee. When I read this story in the other gospels, what strikes me is that Jesus very intentionally sent the disciples off across the lake without him. He wanted solitude to stay behind and pray. This meant that the disciples spent hours on a very rough lake fighting a storm without Jesus that subsided as soon as he was in the boat with them. At first glance this action frustrates me. Surely Jesus knew what they would face on the lake! Why did he send them out alone?

Just prior to this story Jesus miraculously feeds 5,000 men plus however many women and children were along to hear Jesus teach. He actively involved the disciples in this miracle asking them where they might get bread to feed this crowd. Scripture says clearly that he asked them to test them because he already knew what he was going to do.

There is something going on in these two stories beyond the surface miracles. Jesus is showing who he is and testing the disciples for faith. How much will they comprehend about him — how much will they believe? When he asks them “Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?” Philip is incredulous saying that eight month’s wages wouldn’t be sufficient to give each person even one bite of bread. And so Jesus shows them that He is sufficient, providing enough for everyone to eat their fill, and then directing the disciples to collect the twelve baskets full of leftovers. What a powerful object lesson, but evidently not powerful enough. Later when the disciples find themselves in a storm tossed boat alone on the Sea of Galilee they don’t appeal to Jesus. In fact when he comes to them on the water they don’t even recognize him. But when they are finally willing to take him into the boat, they immediately reach the shore where they are heading.

How often I’m like this. I’m seeking provision – either for myself or someone I love, but there is no way on earth that I can see a way to get that which is needed. I’m in the middle of a storm and doing everything I know to make it through, but getting nowhere. And right there in the middle of this needy mess Jesus is asking me “Where shall we buy bread for you or yours to eat?” or telling me “It is I, don’t be afraid.” Jesus, the very Son of God, knows what he is going to do and he has the power to do it. How I need to learn to keep my eyes on the provider instead of the problem.

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Grief – Waiting for Healing

Posted on March 13, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.”  Psalm 1:1-3

I told a friend recently that I feel as if I’m in the middle of the most unproductive time of my life. A bit over a year and a half ago I was working 50 hours a week, teaching a Bible study, meeting with women, organizing events, etc., etc. I loved what I was doing and saw fruit from it. In July 2009 I very joyfully retired and reduced my work hours to about 10 per week and stepped up ministry involvement. I began helping to connect women wanting mentors to women needing mentors. I continued teaching Bible Study and added a Sunday School class. I met almost daily with one woman or another to talk and pray.

But then Becky died. My partners in ministry have very graciously stepped up their involvement to give me some time to heal. Part of that healing time has included going back and forth between home and Jacob and Becky’s home to love on and support Jacob and the girls. The time that I’ve had here has included more solitude than I’ve ever had in my life. This has been an amazing blessing to me. I’ve spent hours in the Word and in contemplation and prayer. I’ve read a lot of on grief and healing. I’ve taken time to process and consider things that haven’t risen to the top of my thought life in the recent past. Some of those ponderings have come out in the “Gleanings” that I’ve posted. Some are yet to come.

I was thinking on Psalm 1 the other day and feel very sympatico with the tree planted by the stream. Trees do nothing but wait. They grow up through no effort of their own other than the natural response of the seed to light, soil, and water. Roots go deep and branches reach high as cell by cell the tree grows into the light. The tree can’t produce fruit out of season; it seems simply to exist during the dormant season. But even in dormancy it is thriving when its roots are in a good place – a place full of life. I’m waiting for healing – in a dormant place, but in the waiting is the healing. This waiting is bound up in abiding in Christ, the one who is the fulfillment of the law of the Lord. As I wait and dig deep into His life, He brings that healing. I know that Becky’s death leaves a scar that will never go away. There is pruning happening in my life through this experience. Pruning shapes me – changes me – makes me into a different person in Christ than the ‘me’ that was before. It is tempting to try to go back to the way things were – to just ‘buck-up’ and try to be exactly what I once was, ignoring that which might change me now. But the reality of life for the next few months tells me it is time to wait.

This experience is redefining ‘productivity’ for me. I’m waiting on the Lord, seeking Him, and watching to see what fruit He brings from this time in my life. Perhaps this is productivity for the one abiding in Jesus?

“I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” Ps 27:13-14

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Grief – To Glorify God

Posted on March 11, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Man’s chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.”

Not long after Becky died I had a conversation with a friend where we talked about our purpose and God’s character. My friend’s understanding is that the primary purpose of our lives is to give God glory. Since God created us and this is the reason He created us, my friend sees God as a needy being with some kind of personality disorder. The conversation stuck with me. I knew then and I know now that I don’t see God this way, although I do agree that “man’s chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.” So I’ve been pondering what it means to give God glory.

When I consider God’s glory I’m amazed at His person and character. God is good. His is a perfect character with no flaw or weakness. He is perfect in love, perfect in action, perfect in deed. His desire is for relationship even as His being is one of relationship. He exists in eternal relationship – the great Three-In-One, but even with that He longs for relationship with us. There is nothing in God unworthy of our praise, He is altogether worthy. Because His heart is perfect and pure and because He longs to be in relationship with us, He must be made known – His glory must be revealed.

From the human perspective, entering into relationship with God is the only way to satisfy the longings of our hearts. We cannot relate to someone that we do not know and of whom we’ve not heard. As those who know God give Him glory, relating the stories of their life with God to others and living out a life whose actions give glory to God, they make Him knowable to those who don’t yet know Him. These stories and actions that glorify God also manifest His desirability showing others that He is good – a God to be known and loved.

Because of our humanity we balk at giving glory to someone who demands glory as his or her right. We have no respect for people who make that kind of demand. In fact the one who demands our praise is the one we feel least likely to deserve that praise. But we are also often free and spontaneous givers of praise for those things that are truly praiseworthy. A gorgeous sunset, a valiant hero, a moving song, a charming baby, a loving spouse – these things will elicit words of praise without reservation. God is perfectly praiseworthy. Giving Him glory fulfills a deep need in us to recognize His beauty and perfection. Giving Him glory is the natural and right response to Him, revealing Him so that others might also know Him.

With Becky’s death life is shrouded in pain for me and others who deeply miss her and long to see her again. Part of that pain is the unfairness we see in a life cut so short –a death out of sequence in time. I think part of that pain is also our soul’s cry that life is eternal, that nothing has really been lost, so the truth is that we should still be able to talk to Becky. There is another truth here that exists beyond all pain and loss. God is good. God is good all the time. God is altogether good and trustworthy and beautiful and worthy of our praise. Becky is experiencing this goodness in a way that is much more than the difference between reading a book about Hawaii and actually sitting on your lanai in Kauai drinking in the smells, sights, and sounds of the tropical sea. She is giving God glory and enjoying Him forever.

“Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor? Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.” Romans 11:33-36

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Grief – On Display for His Glory

Posted on March 9, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“For it seems to me that God has put us apostles on display at the end of the procession, like men condemned to die in the arena. We have been made a spectacle to the whole universe, to angels as well as to men.” 1st Corinthians 4:9-10

From nearly the first moment of the first phone call about Becky’s accident and death I’ve had a sense of being ‘on display.’ There is something about the death of a loved one that brings the lives of those left behind into the spotlight. People who care about us are saddened and seek us out to express their care and concern. People who don’t know us well and know that we’ve lived a life of faith watch us from a distance to see how that faith helps us now. Those in the midst of their own loss and grief gravitate to us to seek and give help in how to make it through loss. And I’ve had the sense of being on display to angels as well as men – that this loss and our reaction to it is not going un-noticed in the spiritual realm.

I’m intrigued at my response to this sense of being ‘on display.’ It is as if from the beginning I’ve felt compelled to be an open book – to write down and live out and talk about the very real struggle to glorify God in this place that I’d rather not be. Paul’s comments in 1st Corinthians 4:9-10 capture my feelings well. He speaks of being made a ‘spectacle’ – the Greek word ‘theatron’ which means just what it sounds like – a place where games and dramatic spectacles are exhibited. His comments about being ‘on display at the end of the procession’ raise the picture of a parade of Roman gladiators into the arena with the men and women condemned to die at their hands on parade behind them.

But this ‘death spectacle’ is completely turned under the ministry of Jesus Christ. I love the passage of scripture in Isaiah 61 that Jesus claims as his mission statement in Luke 4:16-21. Jesus came to preach good news . . . to proclaim freedom . . . to bind up the brokenhearted . . . to comfort all who mourn . . . to bestow on them (me!!) a crown of beauty and a garment of praise. The spectacle of what was meant for death in my life is redeemed to beauty through the power of Christ for the display of His splendor! “To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy— to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.” Jude 24-25

“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion — to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” Isaiah 61:1-3

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Grief – Tearing Down Idols

Posted on March 8, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

Vacation seemed to grant me breathing-space. I suppose because I was in a different place surrounded by different things, I had times of not thinking about Becky. There were hours, even days, of not feeling that deep sadness or the sudden wave of grief. But even on vacation there were times when I was ambushed. I remember sitting at the breakfast table with Steve and a father and son from Washington D.C. We were sharing some ‘getting to know you’ conversation when the man mentioned that he was retired but his wife still worked as a hospital pharmacist and loved her job. In May Becky will be awarded her Doctor of Pharmacy degree posthumously. Steve and I will be at her graduation, but she won’t. Grief washed over me (and does as I write this), and tears came immediately. Ambushed.

Coming home has been a shock to me too. It is as if my psyche is making up for two weeks of relative freedom from grief. Once again the daily, almost momentary, reminders press on me. I am ready to move on – I want to be done – but clearly I’m not done with the hard part yet. I can think of three other times in my life when I felt this way – the birth of each of my girls. Especially when Kristin, our first daughter, was born I came to a point in the process where I just wanted to quit and go home. I labored 24 hours before Kristin made her appearance and most of those hours were pretty intense as Steve and I opted for natural childbirth. Obviously quitting and going home wasn’t an option and neither is it for me in this grief process.

There are times when my grief feels almost like an obsession. I don’t want my sorrow over Becky, the hole left in my life by her absence, to take over my life. I’ve always appreciated and enjoyed the evident and abundant gifts God has given in my life. Steve, our girls, their precious families, our extended family, our church, my dear friends, a wonderful home, I could go on and on. And above all of this I’ve felt blessed in my relationship with God.

In the last few weeks I’m seeing how this loss could become an idol in my life. I could easily lift it up above everything else – even my relationship with God. I’m trying to be vigilant against this and looking to the Lord for help. I don’t want to shortchange my grief process – I will ride it out until the experience I had on vacation becomes the norm. But I also still want to enjoy my relationship with God and appreciate all the other good gifts in my life.  “Oh Lord, You are the giver of all good things – even eternal life. I love You and trust You and come to You for comfort in this loss. Give me perspective – Your perspective. Thank You that You hear my prayers and the deeper prayers of my spirit.”

“When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, LORD, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple. Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs. But I, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. Salvation comes from the LORD.” Jonah 2:7-9

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Grief – A Birth?

Posted on March 7, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

We’ve recently returned from a 2 week vacation in warmer climes. We left knowing a dear friend had been given months to live after a protracted fight with bone cancer. We expected to come home to spend some more time with her, but it was as if being told she had weeks to months left gave her permission to go home and she went to Jesus within days of the start of our trip. As we were winging our way south to Florida to begin our trip, I wrote my friend a letter that I’m not sure she actually got before her death. The things that I pondered with her she now knows in fact. Here is an excerpt from that letter.

“I’ve thought some about death in the past and even more in the last few weeks. I often think of death as a form of birth. Can you imagine what a baby at full term must think and feel? That last few weeks have to be incredibly uncomfortable as the baby’s ‘accommodations’ become inhospitable at the least. As the mother’s body begins the birth process I’d think there would actually be pain and fear. The infant must wonder what is going on? The only world they’ve ever known is pushing them and constricting them and causing them pain. Even though a baby can’t ‘name’ it or fully comprehend it, what is happening must feel like a death. And then birth itself — what a huge change in experience! From darkness, warmth, constriction, muted noise, and a steady rhythm of life to unbearable light and unrestricted movement and loud sound and cold and chaos! It must be terrifying — yet what immense new life and opportunities!

One of the biggest changes I imagine is in relationship. Prior to birth there is only one relationship for a baby – the relationship with Mom. It is totally intimate and dependent, yet so distant and inscrutable. After birth, relationship increases exponentially as knowledge and understanding of Mom increases, but so does knowledge of Dad, other family, friends and acquaintances. I think all of life is a picture of our next life, only a very dim picture. I can only imagine the ‘more-ness’ of heaven. Every day of this life is lived in intimacy and dependency on our Lord – and yet the relationship feels so distant and inscrutable. What will it be in heaven? Think of what it will be to interact with those already there!! I can’t wait! I’m confident that all the physical constraint you’ve endured here – especially the last couple of years — will be healed and more.”

Barbara, dear friend, you will be missed here, but I can’t wait to see you again! Enjoy your face-to-face with Jesus and say ‘hi’ to Becky for me!

“Some skeptic is sure to ask, “Show me how resurrection works. Give me a diagram; draw me a picture. What does this ‘resurrection body’ look like?” If you look at this question closely, you realize how absurd it is. There are no diagrams for this kind of thing. We do have a parallel experience in gardening. You plant a “dead” seed; soon there is a flourishing plant. There is no visual likeness between seed and plant. You could never guess what a tomato would look like by looking at a tomato seed. What we plant in the soil and what grows out of it don’t look anything alike. The dead body that we bury in the ground and the resurrection body that comes from it will be dramatically different. You will notice that the variety of bodies is stunning. Just as there are different kinds of seeds, there are different kinds of bodies – humans, animals, birds, fish – each unprecedented in its form. You get a hint at the diversity of resurrection glory by looking at the diversity of bodies not only on earth but in the skies – sun, moon, stars – all these varieties of beauty and brightness. And we’re only looking at pre-resurrection “seeds” – who can imagine what the resurrection “plants” will be like! This image of planting a dead seed and raising a live plant is a mere sketch at best, but perhaps it will help in approaching the mystery of the resurrection body – but only if you keep in mind that when we’re raised, we’re raised for good, alive forever! The corpse that’s planted is no beauty, but when it’s raised, it’s glorious. Put in the ground weak, it comes up powerful. The seed sown is natural; the seed grown is supernatural – same seed, same body, but what a difference from when it goes down in physical mortality to when it is raised up in spiritual immortality!” 1st Corinthians 15:45-44 The Message

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Grief – Body Grief

Posted on February 18, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

Over the course of my life I’ve been blessed with extraordinary health and vitality. I’ve not taken this for granted and praise God for it while offering my energy and strength back to Him for His purposes.

Somehow things have changed. Nearly continually since the day after Becky died, a total of seven weeks now, I’ve been ill with one bug or another. It is as if my body has put on sackcloth and ashes and is mourning at her loss. This physical weakness results in heightened emotional sensitivity compounding my susceptibility to grief and tears.

I wonder at this display of body grief. Is it God’s way to assure that I will grieve? If I had continued to experience physical stamina and strength would I have been as likely to embrace the tears? Or would I have continued in my daily activities and productivities to the detriment of time to think and process, question and consider?

I wrote this earlier this week praising God for the time I had to go back to bed and sleep during the midday. I can’t remember the last time I’ve done something like this, but the rest was a gift to my virus-ravaged body. For my friends who are concerned for me — yes, I’m taking ‘Emergen-C’ and doing the things you’ve recommended to care for myself. I just think for this season my body is mourning along with my spirit, heart and soul. I will give this to God just like I’ve given Him my vitality and trust that in this season of physical weakness He is at work in me for His good purposes.

“Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak.” Psalm 31:9-10

“Into your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O LORD, the God of truth. I hate those who cling to worthless idols; I trust in the LORD. I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place.” Psalm 31:5-8

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