Almost 12 weeks ago my life and the lives of so many people I love hit the ‘pause’ button. In so many ways I feel caught in the still frame of a moving picture. I’m very aware that Becky has graduated to heaven and I won’t see her on this earth anymore. I can’t exactly say I’m reconciled to this or that I’ve ‘accepted’ it, but I know it in the depth of my heart. The ‘pause’ feeling or feeling ‘caught’ comes in observing myself and those others that I love. That which once brought joy to us is either fraught with pain or devoid of pleasure. We are no longer ‘up to a challenge’ – we simply make it through each day.
I’m discovering much about myself. I’m not fond of open-ended situations especially in those that I love. I want to see things tied up in a neat closure-colored bow, but life is open-ended now. What I once thought was faith in God turns out to be a life where things generally went well. I was able to keep hands-off of situations because they were pretty well under control. Now I find myself fighting the urge to try to undertake God’s job description. I want a measure of healing for those that I love and I want it now. I want their ability to enjoy life restored and I want it now. I want those that I love to be in happy, healthy relationships doing with great joy the things that God has clearly shown them for their lives and I want it now.
I am appalled at myself. It is like I’ve taken an instant immaturity pill. Ugh. What is most distressing is realizing that this was all there all along and God is simply using my current circumstances to highlight it. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa! I am wrestling in prayer with my fleshly tendencies, striving to submit all of this to the Lord.
The theme of my life right now is ‘abide in Christ’. I’ve been living in John 15 and John 17. When I think of abiding I somehow picture a flowing stream – something gentle, something embeded, just peacefully existing in the main of Christ’s life. Today my abiding isn’t full of peace. It is a struggle to move toward Christ and away from this inner compulsion to try to be God in the midst of my situation. It is a very active casting down of the idols that I know I want to build up. It is full of repentance and waiting on the Lord’s transforming work in me and the others that I love.
“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:2-5