GLEANINGS from Claudia: Imagine Trust

Posted on July 12, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“’No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him’ — but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit.” 1 Corinthians 2:9-10

Just six months ago I could not have imagined what life today would be. I thought I could. I had a pretty clear picture of a season of life where our second daughter Becky would be a fully certified Pharmacist. She would be in a residency in Spokane. Her husband Jacob would be hanging in there for one more year of working and then after Becky got a job as a pharmacist he would return to school with a possible goal of teaching in the future.  At this week of the summer we would be fresh back from a week of Grandmapa Camp with all of the kids, their spouses, and our grandkids.

How different that picture looks today. Some of it is similar – I actually imagined it somewhat close to reality.  Grandmapa Camp was wonderful, although with the significant lack of Becky and our two sons-in-law. But some of it is so different as to make me feel like I’ve been transported to a different dimension. Becky is gone – at home with her Lord. Jacob has quit his job in Spokane and is moving to Philomath in about two weeks. He is looking for employment here, his hopes for school postponed.

Is today better or worse than I imagined? It is what it is. I’m trusting God for His good purposes to be worked out even in what we’ve lost. I hurt at the loss, but I confess to a delight in so soon having Jacob, Amity and Dara close by. Are there other delights at hand? I hope so and I pray to that end. So much healing and overcoming still needs to happen – especially for Jacob and the girls. They return to an area where they’ve been with Becky. I suspect memories will overwhelm at first and grief will rise in a fresh tide that hasn’t really yet abated. There are anniversaries and birthdays and holidays and family events to come that we’ve not yet faced.  I’m prepared for some hard times ahead — and for the joy of renewed and deeper relationship — the reality of facing this together.

I choose to trust God at this juncture. I pray for Jacob, Amity and Dara that they will be able to do the same. “Lord – You’ve given a gift out of deep loss. Thank You for the reality of Jacob and the girls moving close. I trust You to provide for their needs in a way that blesses them and glorifies You! Thank You for being the God of every moment of our lives and for ordering our steps!”

“I know, O LORD, that a man’s life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps.” Jeremiah 10:23

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Storms

Posted on July 10, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat.” Isaiah 25:4

Summertime brings weddings and once again this year newlyweds are springing up all  over!  Early yesterday afternoon Steve and I got to participate in a wedding reception for a young couple we love. Later in the day Steve performed a wedding  ceremony for another couple that we love and respect.  Next weekend we will attend two weddings and rejoice as these couples begin new lives together.

When Steve officiates at a wedding he often uses a phrase that has deepened in meaning for me over the years.  He tells the couple that in their marriage “storms will hit your home, sometimes with fierce brutality.”  When Steve and I first began our married life, I realized at some level that our lives would not always be easy. I couldn’t imagine what that might mean and my heart was full of happy, naïve plans for our life together. Over the years many of those happy plans have come to fruit. But our life together hasn’t always been easy. There have been storms to weather — some a category 1, but at least a few have been at the category 5 level. I’ve seen this same truth play out in the lives and marriages of our children. Our lives don’t always follow a sweet and easy path.

As Steve and I weather our loss of Becky together, I better understand the truth he shares following the ‘storm’ statement in wedding ceremonies – the truth that God gives us  Himself and each other for comfort and strength.  I can no more imagine facing life’s storms without the Lord or without Steve than I could imagine the hard things we would
face when I pledged my life to be Steve’s bride.  I’ve also grown to place deeper value on the presence of family and friends in our lives. Many who witnessed our marriage have continued to offer us love and strength when we face storms. We are held firmly in a circle of love and encouragement whose source is the God who is love.

As I witness the weddings of young people I love, I pray that they will early realize the strength of the cord of three strands and depend upon the Lord and each other. I pray that they will grasp how wide and long and high and deep and strong is the love of Christ manifested in their marriage and in the love of the community of family and friends who celebrate with them. I pray that when storms come, the Lord’s strong love will keep them strong.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:  If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Control

Posted on July 5, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“As a woman with child and about to give birth writhes and cries out in her pain, so were we in your presence, O LORD. We were with child, we writhed in pain, but we gave birth to wind. We have not brought salvation to the earth; we have not given birth to people of the world.”
Isaiah 26:17-18

I am a planner. I think through the steps to accomplish an end and then I enter into those steps progressing through each one until I reach the conclusion. Over time and by working on various events with dear friends who know how to wait on the Lord I’ve learned how to be a ‘sanctified’ planner. I still plan, but generally I am able to hold plans loosely and deliberately seek the Lord’s will and direction. I’ve become more flexible thanks to the Lord teaching me through others.

God is using Becky’s death and certain circumstances resulting from her death to show me that this area of my life isn’t quite as ‘sanctified’ as I had hoped.  I hold foundational values and have made promises that cause me to want my life and other’s lives to go a certain way. When decisions made by others cause circumstances to veer away from my plans I experience great frustration. I lose control.

This learning process really does remind me of giving birth. In the beginning of the birth process all of the things I learned in Lamaze classes (this likely dates me considerably) really did help.  I compliantly did what I had been told and appreciated the outcome. But I was actually experiencing an illusion of control. As the birth process progressed all semblance of control left and the process took over. A birth happened, but I had little control and had to learn to go with the process and to allow the pain.

The passage in Isaiah 26:17-18 speaks loudly to me of the striving of desperately trying to birth something that isn’t mine to birth. In the end all of that striving and pain results in nothing more than gas. I so need to learn how to let God determine the steps within which I need to walk. I need to give up the process to Him and trust Him with the outcome – even when it appears to be heading in a completely different direction than I perceive as right.

“In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.”  Proverbs 16:9

 

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GLEANINGS from Clauda: Legacy

Posted on July 2, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Lord, you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations. Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world,  from everlasting to everlasting you are God.” Psalm 90:1-2 

Grandpa and Patrick

Grandpa and Patrick

We are newly returned from a week of “Grandmapa Camp” with our kids and grandkids at the Oregon coast.  The setting was beautiful and the company the best. I was concerned going into the week that absence would shroud our time as we all missed Becky.  Instead, at least for me, it seemed that the week was all about presence . . . about family and permanence and the shaping of lives and the creating of memories that will continue to define family when Steve and I are gone.

We were very aware of missing Becky and there were individual times of quiet and tears.  But even more were the times of remembering, of telling stories, of noting resemblances to Becky, the sharing of things past and the affirming of her continued participation in family today.  Becky wasn’t the only family member missed – we missed Jacob and Christopher too!  But they were present in the missing and in the impact of their love and lives on the children.

In subtle and not so subtle ways I can see in myself the legacy of the generations that came before me.  I see my Mom and Dad at times – even in phrases passed down to my grandchildren – for instance “When it’s gone, it’s gone!”  I see my grandmothers and grandfathers in various food preferences, phrases and natural bents that rise in me. In some vague but real way I am a collage of the men and women of the generations that came before me. And I see that same dynamic at work in the children of my children.
They are a lovely blend of the families from whence they’ve come. What a joy to see this truth result in these resilient and beautiful young people.

Are we perfect?  Not by a long shot.  But our lives are built upon the perfect character and life of the Lord our God who brought the world into existence and began the legacy of man. I saw His love and transforming care at work this week in us. I saw His comfort and  encouragement expressed through each of us into the lives of one another.  I saw a family,
united in love, overcoming grief, growing together toward the next generation all in the compassing presence of the everlasting God.  Praise Him!

“Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” Psalm 90:12

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Grief

Posted on June 22, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” Proverbs 14:12

“There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.”  Proverbs 16:25

Since I first learned to read I’ve read voraciously. Reading allows me the opportunity to step into someone else’s story and experience their adventures and misadventures. As I enter into this other life through the portal of a book I find myself asking ‘how would I respond in this circumstance?’ In November 2010 the book group I belong to read “Choosing to See” by Mary Beth Chapman.  The book tells the story of the accidental death of their little five year old girl and recounts the impact on the family focusing primarily on Mary Beth.  Mary Beth’s story did cause me to think into that kind of loss, but I have to say that it didn’t come close to preparing me for the experience of losing Becky.

Since Becky’s death my appetite for reading has waned a bit. Reading demands focus and focus has deserted me. There is one exception to that loss of ability to read – I’ve read  many books on grief over the course of the months since Becky died.  Books on grieving are varied in their approach to the topic. Some authors are simply recounting the story of
their loss and the impact on their lives and emotions. Some authors are offering helps and encouragement about how to make it through such an experience. There are authors with advanced academic degrees and authors with only life experience. There are authors who approach grief and loss from within a framework of faith and those who do not.  So many books on grief . . . so much grief.

As I’ve read I’ve gleaned truth from every book.  Not everything I’ve read rings true, but everything I’ve read has included something that resonated of truth.  Nearly every grief  book grants expansive permission to grieve in whatever way grief comes to a person. On some level I agree with this concept, but I also wonder if, as in all of life, there is a way to grieve that dishonors God and threatens our ability to live and thrive?  The proverb quoted at the beginning of this Gleaning encapsulates the concern behind my question.  I was impressed to see that this Proverb is repeated word for word within such a short span of scripture.  This concept is important. I want to grieve in a way that leads to life. I want to live in a way that leads to life – both for me and others.  Lord – I look to You to lead me in the right path in every moment and every aspect of my life. Even as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death lead me to life. Keep me from those comforts that ease my heart, but that can capture me in a snare I can’t readily escape. Be my comfort and peace and life.

Where there is shadow there is light - look to the light!

Where there is shadow there is light – look to the light!

“You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence,  with eternal pleasures at your right hand.”  Psalms 16:11

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Seasons

Posted on June 21, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease.” Genesis 8:22

I have long been in sync with seasons and the passage of time.  Beginning with the winter solstice it is as if my inner self leans forward into the year yearning for longer days and the
season of light. And after the summer solstice I sense a vague mourning within as we begin the slide toward the shortest and darkest day of the year.  I also very much live in the ‘now’ enjoying and experiencing each day as a gift.  Even as I enjoy today, the sense of time passing and awareness of seasons is somehow an instinctive underpinning to my days.

Summer has been long in appearing this year. My flowers and trees think it come as they
have budded and bloomed and put on fruit in an almost on-time manner. But only rarely have the sky and temperature reflected the warmth and clarity that, since childhood, I associate with summer.

Today the calendar tells me it is summer. We are in the process of passing another of
those ‘firsts’ without Becky – our first summer without her.  Later this week the Lee clan will gather at a beautiful beachside condo to enjoy Grandmapa Camp.  For the last four years this is an annual event that has included our daughter Kristin, our daughter Joni, and all of our grandkids.  We’ve had the camp in our town and enjoyed exploring every fun nook and cranny of the area.  This year we planned Gmapa Camp to also celebrate Becky’s new status as a Doctor of Pharmacy.  This was to be her first opportunity to enjoy camp with us. We will miss something we never had – Becky’s presence at this fun time.  I’m trusting God that this long awaited adventure – something that we, our kids, and our grandkids look forward to all year – will be a time of great fun, of building lifelong relationships, and of cherishing our memories of Becky.  I know there will be some tears shed and I will cherish those too.  Father God – You know the times and the seasons for our lives. Even as it is beyond us to impact when summer or winter show their faces; so it is beyond us to know when we will see you face to face.  We seek Your face now – help us through this year of firsts without Becky. Give us the ability to mourn her thoroughly, to enjoy her completely, and to turn our faces toward life and all it has to offer us. We give our time of Gmapa Camp into Your hands and ask that You create legacies of love from our time together. We praise You and rejoice that light dwells with You and so does Becky!

“Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever; wisdom and power are his. He changes times and season; he sets up kings and deposes them. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him.” Daniel 2:20-22

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Waiting

Posted on June 20, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.”  Habakkuk 2:3

Yesterday in church a friend of mine brought the communion meditation.  The point of what she shared is that waiting is OK – actually not just OK, waiting is right. We don’t have to step in and answer our own prayers or take action when we feel we are not hearing an answer from the Lord.  We can trust Him knowing that His answer will be at just the right time and in just the right way.

We are at another ‘wait’ sign in our negotiations for the home we hope to see Jacob and the girls living in very soon.  The inspection today revealed a little water under the house and evidence of quite a bit of water under the house in the very recent past.  This type of problem is generally something that the bank will want corrected before a loan can be extended.  And, honestly, we need to see it corrected too.  This investment is significant for us.  We need the home to be in good condition before we enter into an agreement. So once again we wait.

I remember as a child sitting in front of our old black and white television watching a dark blank screen waiting for the little white dot that I knew would grow into a picture.  One time I waited and waited and waited.  Mom finally came to check the television out.  It turned out that there was no power – the television set was unplugged!  I could wait there forever and no little white dot would appear.

When we are waiting on the Lord there is no question of power.  Our God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and always good.  He knows the end from the beginning, He goes before us, and He is our rear-guard.  Does that mean that everything I ask for or need will turn out exactly the way I think it should?  Definitely not and I praise God for that.  Sometimes God will provide for us in a way so different than what we think should happen that we can’t even imagine it.  So Steve and I will wait and trust the Lord to provide in His timing and in His way!

“But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” Romans 8:25

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Daddy

Posted on June 19, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children — with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.” Psalms 103:13-18

One by one they came
Bestowing title, blessing, responsibility
Lover, friend, partner
You became Daddy
And the two shall become one
Became more

Perfect and flawed
You lived out Father
What joy to watch
What joy to love
Growing up into
Family

Who could know the
Sorrow
Lurking years away
After the two shall become one
Became more for
Her

She chose wisely
Growing with lover, friend, partner
A next generation Daddy
Perfect and flawed
Loving our grandchildren
Family

But you’re still here and
She is gone
Two Daddies struggling
To find the way through
Grief
Missing daughter and wife

Daddy is harder to be today than
Yesterday
Finding the way to
Keep her
Without missing being Daddy and Grand
Today

Abba Father
Perfect and flawless
All that was came from You
All that is comes from You
All that is to come is You
Father these Daddies through

“And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”  Isaiah 9:6

Steve, Claudia, Kristin, Becky and Joni

Steve, Claudia, Kristin, Becky and Joni

Jacob, Becky, Amity and Dara
Jacob, Becky, Amity and Dara

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Open My Eyes

Posted on June 17, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink.”  Genesis 21:19

Photographic Negative

Remember photographic negatives?  I know they still exist, but we don’t often see them around.  I have several envelopes of photographic negatives passed down from my mother and several of my own from the early years of my married life.  When you hold a negative up to the light you see a ghostly, really rather frightening picture.  Your favorite early picture of your Dad or Mom turns into a monstrosity that you almost recognize, but wouldn’t be inclined to approach even in bright daylight.  The good thing about photographic negatives is that when the right process is applied beautiful likenesses of the people and things we love appear.

Sometimes my view of life today feels like a photographic negative.  I look at my relationship with Becky and can see only the shadow land of grief and loss and pain.  The real relationship of love and warmth and humor that existed for so long and that still exists in a realm I can’t quite reach is obscured by my present viewpoint.  There are so many other situations related to Becky that hold the possibility of appearing to me in that photographic negative fearful way.

I love the story of God’s provision for Hagar and Ishmael.  Hagar and Ishmael were cast out of the camp and left to fend for themselves in the desert.  Hagar couldn’t bear to watch her son die so she turned away from him to grieve and mourn and die herself. It was then that God opened her eyes. The situation that she viewed as monstrous and frightening and impossible changed when God caused her to see what had been there all along – a well of water.  Water – a small thing in light of all that she needed, but the very thing that gave her life and heart.  God opened her eyes and gave her the ability to see that well of water and to see Him as the God that sees and provides.

My grieving over Becky points to a relationship of love. If I didn’t love her and had not enjoyed her presence I would not grieve her today. It is easier today to dwell in the shadow land, but I chose to ask the God who sees to open my eyes to the reality of His blessing and provision.  Lord – You are the God who sees.  You look upon the loss and pain of death and see the reality of eternal life.  You look upon the shadow land circumstances within which I live and see the reality of blessing that You are pouring out.  Give me ears that hear and eyes that see Your reality.

“Ears that hear and eyes that see — the LORD has made them both.” Proverbs 20:12

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Father Knows Best

Posted on June 16, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:31-34

A day over one week ago I posted about my disappointment in our inability to negotiate a satisfactory agreement on a home that we were interested in buying. The home seemed the perfect rental situation for Jacob and the girls. The house was in good condition and the timing on the purchase seemed perfect – everything just felt ‘right’ . . . except that we couldn’t come to agreement with the sellers. We were definitely disappointed, but chose to trust God – to trust that He knew better than we could possibly know the best situation for us and for Jacob and the girls.

Late Friday night we saw a new posting for a home. This home is in the same neighborhood as the one upon which we couldn’t reach agreement. It is on a quiet cul-de-sac one house removed from the walking path that leads to each of the schools in town. The home is in pristine condition and includes all appliances, the refrigerator with ice maker, and the washer and dryer. It has been recently painted inside and out and has a garden planted in raised beds with drip irrigation. And, a relatively minor thing, but of major import to me – it has a healthy, lovely crabapple tree in the front yard. We arranged to see it the next day and loved it. Unfortunately we heard through our Realtor that the owner was firm on his price. Because of that we decided not to make an offer, but to watch both homes in that neighborhood for a period of time. On Sunday our Realtor contacted us to say that the owner had decided that he would consider a lower offer with no concessions. On Monday we decided to go ahead and submit a bid on the home. On Tuesday afternoon with very little negotiation we entered into an agreement with the owner at a price that is significantly lower than the price on the previous home. All of this came to pass within less than one week of our disappointment.

When I saw that crabapple tree I was moved to tears. From the time Becky was about 2 years old until she was a bit over 7 years old we lived in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Kristin, Becky and Joni loved to play in our fenced backyard and one of the primary shade trees in that yard was a beautiful, old crabapple tree. We enjoyed crabapple jelly from that tree for several years. Since then the girls and I are on alert for crabapples wherever we go and Kristin has made several batches of that marvelous jelly. For some reason seeing that tree smack dab in the middle of the front yard was like a beautiful bow on God’s gift to us. Now every time I make crabapple jelly I will rejoice in memories – of a delightful past with our girls and of a delightful provision from our Father who knows best. Admittedly we aren’t quite there yet – we still have a few hoops to jump through and we’re still willing for the door to be closed, but regardless of the final outcome this experience has increased my ability to trust God to provide and to provide the best.

Crabapple Tree at the New House

Crabapple Tree at the New House

“So I gave you a land on which you did not toil and cities you did not build; and you live in them and eat from vineyards and olive groves that you did not plant.’ “Now fear the LORD and serve him with all faithfulness.” Joshua 24:13-14

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