GLEANINGS from Claudia: Hearing My Name

Posted on November 12, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!” Isaiah 49:15

Amity made a comment in passing earlier this week that has stayed with me. “I’m starting to hear my name at school.” I was puzzled by that statement and asked “Do you mean they’re not calling you Amy anymore?” Over the years she has fallen into the nickname ‘Amy’ because not everyone seems to get that her name is actually “Amity”.  But no, that wasn’t what she meant. She just meant she is starting to hear her name spoken at school.

I thought about this statement and realized that when you first move to a new place you don’t hear your name much at all. People don’t know you, so they don’t speak your name. Even in the places you go regularly, like school and church, people don’t know you so you don’t hear people calling for you by name. You’ve not made your mark or caused people to
remark you, so you don’t see your name attached to jobs or activities or events.

But now Amity is beginning to hear her name. I’m so happy for this. To me it says that this place is becoming home, that a time will come when she’ll feel as much a part of this world as she did the world in Rosalia. I’ve been praying for her that she will come to know in the depths of her inner man that there is One who named her and always speaks her name. That there is One who knows her, loves her and will never forget her no matter where
her life’s journey takes her. With Him she is always home.

“Before I was born the LORD called me; from my birth he has made mention of my name.” Isaiah 49:1

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Our Ever-Present Help

Posted on November 11, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.”
Psalms 46:1-3

We are approaching several ‘firsts’ in the next few weeks.  Tomorrow we have Dara’s first birthday without her Mom. She is actively participating in planning her party and is beside herself with anticipation, but she knows it is her first birthday without Becky. We have  Thanksgiving in a couple of weeks, Becky’s birthday just two weeks after that, and then Christmas next month. And then what I think will be the hardest first; the first anniversary of the day Becky died.

I’m in an okay place right now and so is Steve. Neither of us can say exactly ‘why’, but I think there are several ingredients to this place of relative peace. We’ve been recently challenged to find in our lives those things for which we are thankful. There is so much blessing in our lives and some of that blessing relates to the events both before and after Becky’s death. We are more and more aware of God’s supportive and even preparatory presence in the midst of this season of pain. It is evident to us that God has not left us or forsaken us, but rather loves us and cradles us even in the midst. Pain comes to every life. How incredibly bereft we would be if our lives were full of this pain and empty of the presence and comfort of God. How incredibly blessed we are to know, love and serve Him.

In the months since Becky died I’ve seen more obvious and rich answers to prayer than ever before in my life. I’ve seen a community of believing women who have come around me as my prayer warriors and blessed me beyond measure. During the months that I was traveling back and forth to Rosalia to be with Jacob and the girls these women pursued me to pray for me. They are all busy, but each month before I left on a trip they made time to spend time praying over me and seeking God’s plans and purpose for each trip. I felt set apart for God’s purposes and armored up to be a servant to Jacob, Amity and Dara’s grief instead of a slave to my own.

I could go on and on about the blessings woven into the woe. There is one more thing that I’ve thought on a lot lately. I keep remembering how Becky felt about death. She was in a lifelong battle with the specter of death. She feared her own death not wanting to leave those she loves bereft and on their own. She feared the death of Jacob, Amity and Dara and that losing one of them would mean the loss of her sanity. She feared the death of her Dad and me, even though she believed that our deaths would come at some point in her life and she would have to face her fear. She feared the deaths of friends she cared about who didn’t yet follow Jesus and she compulsively shared Jesus with them. She sought God’s peace related to all of these fears. I believe that God allowed Becky the grace of never facing profound loss to death. Friends at the scene of Becky’s accident found her unconscious when they got to her van. She never regained consciousness, so whatever fear she may have felt during the accident was brief. She never experienced losing Jacob, Amity
or Dara. She never experienced losing Steve, me, or her sisters. In a grace that blessed Becky and left us bereft Becky was spared coping with death.

I’m not foolish enough to believe that we will make it through the end of this year with no more tears. But I am thankful for the obvious blessings of God in the valley of the shadow of death. He is the giver of all good gifts and our ever present help in time of trouble.

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Thankfulness

Posted on November 5, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor
forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deut 31:8

Once again this week I’ve been remembering. Last year on the Monday after our Jubilee Women’s Conference, I drove to Athena and spent two and a half days with Kristin and her family. I then drove to Rosalia to spend the next two and a half days with Becky and her family. A few weeks prior to that trip I told Steve that I couldn’t stand waiting until Christmas to see the kids. It was the year that they went to the in-laws for Thanksgiving, so I knew I would either have to be patient or find a way to see them under my own initiative. My desire to see the girls and their families dovetailed nicely with a need that Becky had for a bit of additional support. Her girls had early release the two and half days I planned to be there and Becky was in mid-terms, so an extra adult in the house was helpful.

My time with Kristin, Christopher, Helen and Patrick was sweet, if too short. I remember with great clarity the trip from Athena to Rosalia. I went north through Walla Walla, Milton Freewater, Dayton, Dusty and Colfax. The trip was absolutely beautiful.  The day was crystal clear and fall painted the landscape in golds, scarlets, and deep earthtones.  I arrived in time to pick the girls up for their early release from school. Much of the time I spent with the kids is gone from my mind – the quietly sweet moments of normal life that we just don’t retain. But there are also some very special memories. One night I sat up late and talked about life with Jacob. Becky was away from home seeking a wi-fi connection for a test or project she needed to complete, so we just talked about ideas – something we both enjoy. Likewise I enjoyed some time talking to Becky – just the two of us. She spoke to me about death and her concerns with the concept of dying young. She worried about the girls and the thought of Jake being in a position where he had to raise them alone. She shared about their financial situation and told me about her life insurance. She talked about her school loans and the fact that if something happened to her they would be forgiven because the loans were to her and not to Jacob. One of her greatest concerns was that her girls come into a relationship with Jesus. I encouraged Becky that night, assuring her that if anything ever happened to her her Dad and I would help with the kids. I shared with her the reminder the Lord gave me of His reality and presence, the ‘I Am’ moment, and how that reminder renewed and deepened my love for Him.

I left Rosalia feeling like I had been an encouragement to Becky and feeling blessed with the reconnecting time with the family. Obviously I had no idea what the next month would bring. I look back on that time together with Becky and Jacob as an amazing gift. I learned so much about Becky’s highest priority in life. Her Lord and her family held first place for her even though at that point her time was consumed by school. And I made a promise to her that I’ve prayed into and then been able to step into. In this season of thankfulness I am so thankful that a year ago Becky and I connected in a deep and timely way.

“I look behind me and you’re there, then up ahead and you’re there, too — your reassuring presence, coming and going.” Psalm 139:5 (The Message)

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: The Master’s Voice

Posted on October 31, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

I love scripture. Spending time alone reading and pondering passages in the Bible delights me as much as sitting and having coffee fueled talks with a dear friend. Anytime that I’m focused on the Word and listening I hear from the Lord – and a conversation ensues.

I’ve been spending time again in John 13 – 17. As I’ve shared before, these chapters carry great weight for me because they detail Jesus interacting with His disciples during the last night of His life. He knew it was His last night so I know that what He shared that evening was of utmost importance to Him. He was communicating His heart to these men that He loved. I read the passages through in one sitting again last week and what I heard means
so much to me. Here’s a sample:

“Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” John 13:7 This answer from Jesus came in response to the question Peter asked that was on the hearts of the disciples – “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?” Although phrased as a question, I hear it more as an “I don’t THINK so” statement – a way of saying, “This isn’t your job, there’s no way my master and teacher is going to wash MY feet”. The disciples didn’t understand what Jesus was doing. Jesus acknowledged that fact and tried to explain to some degree, but also just affirmed what they were thinking and feeling. And then He went ahead and washed their feet. Jesus telling the disciples, “later you will understand” ministers to me. I go back and forth with my understanding of how the sovereignty of God interplays with the circumstances of my life. Does God orchestrate every second of my life, overseeing the minutest detail and the most profound events? Or does He allow events to happen in response to nature and man’s choice, but then minister to me in the midst of the circumstance? I don’t know the fullness of how the sovereignty of God reigns in my life.  But I do know that He is present, concerned, caring, listening, and answering; God who is aware of my questions and feelings and available to me in the midst of each moment of my life. I need only listen.

“Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” John 16:22 Jesus knew the confusion of the disciples as he spoke to them and He knew what they were going to feel as they experienced His death. Jesus also knew beyond His death to the power of the resurrection and even more to the joy awaiting them in eternity. He didn’t tell them to not feel grief. He didn’t tell them that they should be happy because His death would be their salvation. Instead he acknowledged their grief, affirming them. He put hope before them telling them that He would see them again and they would rejoice. This statement from Jesus to His disciples and now to me in my quiet time with Him, gives me great comfort. I find it interesting that He doesn’t say “Don’t worry, you’ll see me again”, but rather “I will see you again”. Somehow knowing that ‘He will see’ implies relationship, the hope of reciprocal interaction that implies life and not some ghostly visitation from someone just out of reach.

The last night of Jesus’ life paints a picture for me of a teacher who deeply loves those He teaches, who knows His followers inside and out, who prepares them for what is  coming, and who promises that death will not be the end of relationship. Oh how I love Jesus!

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: God’s Pruning Shears

Posted on October 27, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.” John 15:1-4

These and other verses from John 15 have been running through me in these weeks of preparing for our Jubilee Women’s Conference. On Tuesday of this week leading up to conference, I went to the grandgirls home as I do every school day to get them off to school. I stepped into a dark living room with the television on. Amity sat in the lounge chair and didn’t acknowledge my arrival even with her eyes. The morning devolved from
there.

I came home in distress over our interactions and lack of interactions. I felt concern for Amity and uncertainty about what was happening inside of her. So many things are coming at her at once – losing her Mom, leaving a community she felt at home in and in which she had many and great friends, losing her Grandma to some weird, new helper role that includes some discipline aspects, and her own rising adolescence. She has a LOT going on and hasn’t found a voice to articulate the impact on her life.

I sat in tears that morning asking the Lord to show me Amity’s heart and to teach me how to help. After being quiet before the Lord for a time I went to a Bible study I was preparing for later this week.  And then the Lord spoke with incredible power. Through His Word He told me in no uncertain terms to get the plank out of my own eye before I tried to help Amity. He revealed in me a need to be affirmed and loved by the grandgirls that thwarted my ability to be a help to them. He revealed pride of self sacrifice that expressed itself in self pity. The living Word of God schooled me and pruned me and opened my life so that His power can flow through me.

Since that morning of sitting in the spotlight of the Word some of the morning interactions have been better, but regardless of what comes from the grandgirls, what is coming from my lips and heart is love looking to be and do what is best for them. I’m expectantly asking for healing and spiritual life and abundant fruit in their lives and trusting that this will be given them to the Father’s glory.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.” John 15:5-8

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Heaven Works Backwards

Posted on October 20, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him.” Isaiah 64:4

As I mentioned in an earlier post, the book group I participate in recently read and discussed “The Great Divorce” by C.S. Lewis. Lewis is an amazing and astute observer of humanity and proves that in his characterizations of different types of people considering entrance into heaven. Lewis pokes at himself and several times poked at me as he strips away pretense and shows what causes people to chose anything but heaven. There were several quotes that spoke to me, but at the top of the list is the following quote:

“[Mortals] say of some temporal suffering, “No future bliss can make up for it,” not knowing Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory. And of some sinful pleasure they say “Let me have but this and I’ll take the  consequences”: little dreaming how damnation will spread back and back into their past and contaminate the pleasure of the sin. Both processes begin even before death.” – C.S.  Lewis in “The Great Divorce”

I love this picture of heaven as the final and complete redemption. I’ve so often been tempted to think that the first thing I’ll do when I see Jesus is ask him all of my ‘why’ questions about Becky’s death.  But honestly I think that is foolishness. When I see Jesus I’m convinced that all of the why’s of my little life will collapse under the weight of joy. Those things that now consume me and bring me to tears will somehow be viewed in the reality of eternity. It isn’t that they won’t matter any longer, they will matter immensely, but what seems to matter now for sorrow and grief and pain and separation, will then matter for glory and joy and love forever. I can’t wait!

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for
those who love him”— but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit.” 1 Corinthians 2:9-10

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Who IS This Cry Baby?

Posted on October 19, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“On this mountain the LORD Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples, a banquet of aged wine — the best of meats and the finest of wines. On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations; he will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth. The LORD has spoken.” Isaiah 25:6-8

“Tears are a language God understands.” This refrain from an old song I remember hearing someone sing when I was much younger keeps playing in my mind. It is encouraging to think that God might understand my tears because I’m at a loss to even grasp the volume of them. Less than a year ago I was one who rarely cried. I wasn’t exactly against crying, I just didn’t do it. Now it takes anything and nothing to bring me to tears. A couple of Saturdays past the ladies of our church enjoyed a small, intimate prayer time. As we began our facilitator instructed us to take a deep cleansing breath. I did, enjoying the relaxation of the deep breath, but as I released the breath – tears. When instructed to bring anything that I feared or that would be a distraction to hearing from and speaking to the Lord, I had to confess that I was afraid that I would spend the whole time that morning just drowning in my tears. As I gave that up to the Lord I felt encouraged to let it be, to cry if I needed to cry.

I am encouraged by people’s reaction to my tears. I am so tired of them that I fear that others will be tired too. Not so. All who love me seem to completely accept my tears and my right to cry them. How I appreciate the people with whom God has surrounded me. I couldn’t be more blessed in this sodden valley. I have so many people who lift me up in prayer as often as they think of me – another blessing in the valley.

What a peculiar place to be – swimming in tears and drowning in blessing. Thank you Lord!

“My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a man he pleads with God as a man pleads for his friend.” Job 16:20-21

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Mourning and Comfort

Posted on October 15, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

Grief is the strangest place to live. One moment I am happily moving through my day, possibly even thoroughly enjoying the elements of that day, and the next I’m plunged into sorrow and tears and missing Becky. I think this process of ‘being’ in grief has shown me how seldom life is as linear and black and white as our western minds like to pretend.

One of the things I love about studying the Bible is seeing the way the Middle Eastern mind works. Often as I study I’m presented with two ideas living together that at first glance seem to be completely opposed. For instance the phrase in Matthew 5:4 that says “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” apparently weds two completely opposed concepts. Blessed could just as aptly be translated ‘happy’ or more accurately ‘supremely happy’. The phrase could be read “Supremely happy are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Supreme happiness and mourning don’t seem to go together. Happiness and life; happiness and wealth; happiness and family; happiness and plenty; I can see how those things might be wed, but happiness and mourning?

There is a deep truth here. In the midst of this season of mourning I have been comforted. Over and over again in a multitude of ways I’ve been comforted. I’ve received comfort from family and friends, from shared grief with Steve and the girls, from books, from my own writing, from walking and feeling alive, from the provision of the Lord for Jacob and our granddaughters, from scripture, and from a quiet, but clear sense of being loved by the Lord.

The Greek word Parakaleo translated ‘comforted’ in Matthew 5 is the same word Jesus used to describe and name the Holy Spirit in John 14 and 16. The Holy Spirit is our comforter, our counselor, the one called alongside of us. As I consider this strange grieving life, I’m very aware of a foundation of well-being and comfort within which the pain of grief flows. I attribute this well-being and comfort to the work of the God of all comfort working through the Holy Spirit in my life.

“And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you forever; Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you. I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.” John 14:16-18

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Refining

Posted on October 13, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23-24

At age 58 I have to confess that I thought certain sin issues I fought in my younger years had been conquered.  I assumed that God’s work of transformation was complete in those areas. I’ve been chagrined to find that in actuality opportunity for those particular sin areas had simply diminished and when opportunity returned sin abounds.

I am acutely aware of the work of God in convicting me of pride and complacency in my desire for complete transformation and holiness. Being dropped into the furnace of affliction has quickly surfaced the dross in my life. Worry, impatience, self pity – so much has surfaced at times that I feel like I don’t know me anymore. I’ve sometimes even reverted to age ten as I interact with a very ten year old granddaughter. Instead of maintaining the adult self-controlled posture in our exchanges I engage in her tactics.  Ugh!

How thankful I am that I’m not in this alone. I’m also very aware of the Holy Spirit sitting beside me as a refiner of silver. In fact the raw awareness of sin in my life is a gift from the Spirit. I’m learning to maintain a constant dialogue with the Holy Spirit asking for help and insight into my own heart and the hearts of those I love and with whom I interact. There is a new measure of thanksgiving for this trial that is revealing the truth of my heart condition and giving me opportunity to invite and receive the transforming work of the Holy Spirit in me.

“See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.” Isaiah 48:10

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Worry

Posted on October 12, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:5-7

I woke up to tears again tonight and got out of bed so as not to disturb Steve. There’s a lot swirling around in my head that brings the tears. I miss Becky and find myself thinking about the way her life ought to be right now. Becky alive changes everything for me and the people I love most dearly. But Becky isn’t alive and that fact causes me to wonder about the future.

Wondering about the future is probably more honestly called worry. For several months of this grieved life I struggled with ‘if only’. There is still some of that or I wouldn’t be thinking about the way Becky’s life ought to be. But even more than ‘if only’ I now find myself spending time with ‘what if’? The ‘what ifs’ of this situation aren’t even mine. They have to do with choices that could be made somewhere down the line from today. These  choices could impact me fairly significantly even to the point of impacting what I do with my daily life. But they aren’t my choices to make.

If you asked me a year ago to characterize myself, worrier would never have been on the list of attributes I picked to describe me. This worry thing must have been in me all the time and in the crucible of grieving it has been revealed. Now I have to wrestle my worries to the ground and lay them at the feet of the Lord.  Oh Lord, these scenarios that play
themselves out in my head are taking up valuable space and energy in my life with absolutely no benefit to me or those I love. I know that You are vigilantly taking the incremental choices made and using all things for Your good purposes in my life and the lives of these others who love You. Tonight I choose to trust You and ask You to stop the worry tape in my head in the powerful name of Jesus!

“In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.”  Psalms 5:3

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