“The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:5-7
I woke up to tears again tonight and got out of bed so as not to disturb Steve. There’s a lot swirling around in my head that brings the tears. I miss Becky and find myself thinking about the way her life ought to be right now. Becky alive changes everything for me and the people I love most dearly. But Becky isn’t alive and that fact causes me to wonder about the future.
Wondering about the future is probably more honestly called worry. For several months of this grieved life I struggled with ‘if only’. There is still some of that or I wouldn’t be thinking about the way Becky’s life ought to be. But even more than ‘if only’ I now find myself spending time with ‘what if’? The ‘what ifs’ of this situation aren’t even mine. They have to do with choices that could be made somewhere down the line from today. These choices could impact me fairly significantly even to the point of impacting what I do with my daily life. But they aren’t my choices to make.
If you asked me a year ago to characterize myself, worrier would never have been on the list of attributes I picked to describe me. This worry thing must have been in me all the time and in the crucible of grieving it has been revealed. Now I have to wrestle my worries to the ground and lay them at the feet of the Lord. Oh Lord, these scenarios that play
themselves out in my head are taking up valuable space and energy in my life with absolutely no benefit to me or those I love. I know that You are vigilantly taking the incremental choices made and using all things for Your good purposes in my life and the lives of these others who love You. Tonight I choose to trust You and ask You to stop the worry tape in my head in the powerful name of Jesus!
“In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.” Psalms 5:3
GLEANINGS from Claudia 
Oh Claudia, I am so sorry. Your message hit’s right on target with me also. I could “What if” myself to insanity with my Raymond, my father and now my mother. I understand that felling of “if only”. It torments you. But you cannot let it consume you. I know, I really know. There was nothing you could have down to prevent what happened. It was in God’s plan as painful as it is. Still, it doesn’t help the void left in you. I still get foreboding feelings,”worrying” about nearly everything and everyone. Something I have to work on minute by minute still. It has been going on 18 years with my brother, 15 with my father. I still have trouble accepting that they are both gone. I wanted to call my father last night and ask him questions about why so much was allowed to happen. So many painful, difficult, memories are surfacing. How do you say goodbye to someone who is dying and will not accept that I can forgive. I can’t forget, but I have forgiven her.
My eyes are red and swollen from tears and exhaustion. I can’t eat and sleep is very difficult. We, (Chrissie her husband Aaron,Tony and I) leave day after tomorrow for Paris. I don’t know what awaits me. There is so much emotion and pain I have to somehow put on a shelf to deal with at a time when I am stronger and not depleted, but I don’t know how to yet. I am seeing a Christian Councilor to deal with it all.
Claudia, I pray that you find peace and comfort. I hurt for you so much. I love you so. God Bless you and hold you in his arms.
~Marie
Marie – You have my prayer support as you go to Paris. This is going to be excruciatingly hard, no doubt about it, but I know you’ll have the presence of the Holy Spirit in the midst of it. There are a couple of great scriptures to help you through this time. One is Psalm 23 – kind of the ‘go to’ Psalm when you are walking through the valley of death. The Lord is so good to be our shepherd through those times. Another that really helped me just this last Saturday is Psalm 27. I have been looking at my emotions and grief as my enemy. Through Psalm 27 the Lord gave me permission to grieve and put into my mind the picture of Him placing me on a rock above the battle where I lean into the shadow of His tabernacle. The battle is still happening, but as I lean into Him and seek His face there is a foundation of peace in the midst of the sorrow. Hang in there Sister!
Peace and blessings in Christ! – Claudia