“The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:5-7
I woke up to tears again tonight and got out of bed so as not to disturb Steve. There’s a lot swirling around in my head that brings the tears. I miss Becky and find myself thinking about the way her life ought to be right now. Becky alive changes everything for me and the people I love most dearly. But Becky isn’t alive and that fact causes me to wonder about the future.
Wondering about the future is probably more honestly called worry. For several months of this grieved life I struggled with ‘if only’. There is still some of that or I wouldn’t be thinking about the way Becky’s life ought to be. But even more than ‘if only’ I now find myself spending time with ‘what if’? The ‘what ifs’ of this situation aren’t even mine. They have to do with choices that could be made somewhere down the line from today. These choices could impact me fairly significantly even to the point of impacting what I do with my daily life. But they aren’t my choices to make.
If you asked me a year ago to characterize myself, worrier would never have been on the list of attributes I picked to describe me. This worry thing must have been in me all the time and in the crucible of grieving it has been revealed. Now I have to wrestle my worries to the ground and lay them at the feet of the Lord. Oh Lord, these scenarios that play
themselves out in my head are taking up valuable space and energy in my life with absolutely no benefit to me or those I love. I know that You are vigilantly taking the incremental choices made and using all things for Your good purposes in my life and the lives of these others who love You. Tonight I choose to trust You and ask You to stop the worry tape in my head in the powerful name of Jesus!
“In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.” Psalms 5:3