Grief – Redeeming Moments

Posted on January 21, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

Grief is a hard companion, but not one without redeeming moments. I want to share a story from Day 19 of this grief journey, Sunday, January 16, 2011. On this Sunday I was still with my son-in-law Jacob and our two granddaughters, Amity (10 years old) and Dara (8 years old).  The girls and I tend to process our grief and tears in the morning. On this Sunday morning Dara started asking questions about her Mom’s death and about the hospital. I answered where I could and honestly told her that I didn’t know the answer when that was the case. After we cried together a while Dara asked if she could type a letter to her Mom and Jesus on my laptop. I opened a document and showed her how. This is what she typed:

“Mom, I will miss you. I want to see you so much. Will you ask God if you could come down for a while? I did not want you to die.

To jesus and mom from dara

Love you forever.”

We printed the letter and Dara carried it to her room. I told Dara I thought the letter was wonderful. I mentioned that Jesus doesn’t often send people back, especially when they have been with him for quite a while, but that he does sometimes let people come to visit in dreams or visions. I suggested to her that she could directly ask Jesus for this in prayer. That night as we prayed before bedtime Dara did ask for this and so did I.

The next morning Dara came to my room early, about 6 a.m. — a rare thing for her as she generally sleeps later. I mentioned to her that she was up bright and early and she said that she had a ‘kind’a bad dream.’ I asked if she wanted to tell me about it. She related that the family had all been together and her little four year old cousin, Helen, had been standing on the couch reaching for something. Helen fell into a corner behind the couch and a black widow spider bit her. She was rushed to the hospital, but, in Dara’s words, she didn’t make it. However, Jesus saw all of this and decided that Helen was too little to be away from her Mom and Dad so ‘she’ sent her back. When ‘she’ sent Helen back ‘she’ sent her Mom back too. Dara saw a very bright light and her Mom was in it. Dara talked to her Mom and her Mom told Dara that she had loved her life on earth so much, but that she was really loving her life in heaven with Jesus. Then the dream ended.

That night when I went into Dara’s room to read to her, pray with her, and kiss her goodnight, she was on her knees praying.

What a blessing this experience was to me. To know that God hears the prayers of a broken-hearted little girl and sends her a dream or vision of her Mother to soothe her heart quieted my hurting heart. I love it that in this dream Becky is so positive about both her life on earth and her life in heaven. Dara seemed to obtain a measure of peace with the thought that the past was precious to Becky and that her current reality is wonderful too.

Thank You Lord!!

“Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14-15

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Grief – Taken by Storm

Posted on January 19, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“My eyes have grown dim with grief; my whole frame is but a shadow.” Job 17:7

“My days have passed, my plans are shattered, and so are the desires of my heart.” Job 17:11

On December 29, 2010 our 32 year old daughter lost her life in an automobile accident. Grief has taken my heart by storm. I’ve been surprised by the intensity of the physical, emotional, and mental experience of this grief. Not yet a month later, I look at myself and don’t recognize me anymore. Part of me dwells in the past remembering her growing up, her wedding, the birth of her kids. Another part is in the more immediate past dwelling on the accident, the ‘if onlys’, and all that has followed. Part of me lives in today, pretending a normal life, completing the daily chores and exercises of existence. And part of me looks to the future, uncertain. I find myself wondering when I will once again live as an integrated being, when will I once again be ‘whole’.

Sleep is part of yesterday’s world – more than 5 hours at a time is unusual. Appetite is diminished – I’m as small as I’ve been since high school. Tears come at the oddest times and for the most ridiculous of reasons. In particular kindnesses and the words “I’m so sorry for your loss” undo me. I deeply feel other’s pain. My son-in-law, my husband, my grandkids, my daughters . . . deep, deep sorrow at this loss. And again I’m undone by the suffering of perfect strangers as they experience their own fresh losses. Something that I could have observed before and felt a measure of compassion for now brings me to a new and complete grief.

But I also note the incredible resiliency of a life lived in Christ. Worship music slays me and comforts me and raises my praise to the throne of God above. Those deep truths of mercy and grace and salvation and eternal life have taken on depth and flesh. I’m lifted and carried by an immense community of believers and friends serving me and praying for and with me. Scripture learned and imbedded in my heart comes to my rescue time and time again. God is good all the time resonates in my heart and spirit.

In my amazement at the power of this experience I got to thinking about God’s experience of deep grief at the death of Jesus on the cross. His only Son, mistreated by man, beaten to the place of not being recognizable, a victim of the conspiracy of sin and Satan. My emotions are but a shadow and image of the truth of who God is — oh what He must have felt. Ah, you say, but He knew how it would end. And, so do I.

“Death has been swallowed up in victory. Where, O death , is your victory? Where, O death , is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” 1st Corinthians 15:54-57

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Hello world!

Posted on January 18, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

You may be wondering why there is a “Gleanings From Claudia”?  Since mid-January 2011 I’ve been posting Notes to my Facebook account.  These notes come from my grief journey.  On December 29, 2010 my 32 year old daughter Becky died in an automobile accident less than 10 miles from her home.

Throughout my life I’ve expressed intense emotion in writing.  This time I’ve chosen to share those expressions with others.  Many have told of the help and encouragement they receive from “Gleanings” – hence my desire to make them available on a broader scale.

Who am I?  I am a lover of Jesus Christ; wife of Steve – Minister of Suburban Christian Church; mother of Kristin, Becky and Joni all grown young women with lives of their own; mother-in-law to two wonderful sons; grandmother to four beautiful grandchildren; and the friend of many dear women.  I am a life-long learner and desire to grow in my love of God and of people by gleaning from every life experience.  I love the word of God and I love to pray.  I believe that God gives us beauty from ashes and to that end I write.

“. . .to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion — to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.  They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.”  Isaiah 61:2-3

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