GLEANINGS from Claudia – Aftermath

Posted on May 31, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ — the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.  I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.”  Philippians 3:7-11

 Aftermath.  This word tastes bitter in my mouth, yet it feels so right to describe so much. The aftermath in the wake of the Joplin tornado is incredible destruction. My sister just shared with me that her dear friend has been taken by breast cancer and the aftermath for my sister is terrible anger at cancer and sadness at this loss. I’ve watched the aftermath of losing Becky in myself and the lives of those I love.  There is sorrow, a loss of joy and expectation, a seemingly inescapable trudging through each day without really living.

 Aftermath is defined by ‘thefreedictionary.com’ as “a consequence, especially of a disaster or misfortune and a period of time following an event.”  These definitions feel so fitting, but there is another definition that actually took me by surprise – “a second growth or crop in the same season, as of grass after mowing”.  I’m beginning to see a glimmer of this second growth aftermath in my life and in the life of those most impacted by losing Becky.  There are changes in the air brought about by the irrevocable change of not having Becky in our lives.  Jacob and the girls are taking steps toward a move to be closer to family.  Steve and I have had several conversations about changes to our lives, some small and some pretty big (no moves planned!).  I’ve seen shifts in direction and thought in Joni and Kristin – we’ve all experienced new ways of looking at life because of our loss.

Aftermath. Loss brings gain in due time. One surprising loss for me and Steve is that we no longer care at all about ‘things’ except as those things can be used of God in the lives of others.  Or maybe that’s a surprising gain!  Knowing Christ, serving him and his purposes, becoming like him in his death and attaining to the resurrection from the dead – these things have retained their importance in our lives and actually gained value and focus.  Five months after losing Becky we are amazed at our continued sorrow, but also surprised at the new things germinating in the fertile soil of loss. I suspect there will be hard times of intense grieving yet to come, but I’m also beginning to sense the glimmer of hope for fresh life – for a second growth crop in this season.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”   Isaiah 43:18-19

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Remembering

Posted on May 30, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:3-6

 I’ve never considered this before, but today I’m realizing that one of the qualities that sets mankind apart from the rest of the animal kingdom is our ability to remember. I know that animals remember to some level – clearly our pets remember us and sometimes prove that after weeks or months of separation. Animals return to their homes and follow familiar patterns, but I wonder how much of that is ‘instinct’ and how much is true remembering?

Today I find myself remembering both those dear to me who have died and those whose lost lives reflect a sacrifice for me. When I remember the ones that I’ve known intimately I actually can ‘re-member’ them, calling to mind their features, voices, character and the idiosyncrasies that gave them their unique humanity. When I remember the broader group of those who died in battles fought in my stead, I remember human courage and honor and devotion – a dedication to an ideal that underpins the life I enjoy today. I also remember the loss, agony and grief of the families that waited for the return of these loved ones. In all of this I remember the God of my fathers and the God of my life today. This remembering is another mark of humanity – that we remember God before we see Him with our eyes. That remembering God is over and under and through the physical memories of our lives.

The good life I enjoy today is built on a foundation of many well-lived and honorably died lives that are past. For this I am thankful. For this I thank God.

“On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.” Psalms 63:6-8

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Grief – Emotional Adrenaline

Posted on May 28, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” 
Matthew 11:28-30

Since Becky’s death I’ve been surprised to find that Becky’s absence from my life is much more pervasive than was her presence.  When Becky lived her adult life I rarely saw her.  She was hundreds of miles away and immersed in a demanding academic program.  Her life as wife and mother would’ve been enough to limit our contact, but add school and we spoke only every other week or so.  We got to see each other at holidays, before or after our annual Grandmapa Camp, and at those times when Jacob and Becky needed help to meet the demands of their schedules.  Even though I seldom saw Becky there was a Becky underlay to my life.  I knew where she was and for the most part what she was doing.  I knew she was stressed, but OK. I knew she was busy and involved, but that I could touch base with her fairly quickly via email or Facebook or phone.  Becky was absent, but ever present.

But now Becky is gone. In reality many of the statements I made in the prior paragraph still apply.  She is far away and immersed in another life.  She is still an underlay to my life – she will always be my middle daughter.  I know she is OK and, in fact, happier than I can imagine.  But the undeniable reality is that I have no means to communicate with her.  I can’t email her or call her or Facebook her or go to see her.  There is a Becky absence in my life. 

When Becky was present I rarely thought of her with longing.  When I knew she was struggling with something I prayed frequently for her, but in general my thoughts were at peace about her.  Now it is as if there is a Becky program playing continually in my brain.  I long to see her and speak to her again. So many crazy little things remind me of her.  I’m sitting in a coffee shop in Sisters, Oregon as I write this and a couple of minutes ago someone said the word ‘pharmacy’ in a conversation behind me – a conversation of which I wasn’t even aware until that word cropped up.  Immediately I thought of Becky.  This continual Becky trigger feels like the heightened response that comes when something threatens me and adrenaline is injected into my body.  This is emotional adrenaline and it has been active now for five months.  I’m weary and I’m ready for it to stop.

Do I want to forget Becky?  No way.  I never want to lose my memories of Becky.  But I do want to lose the automatic physical, emotional, and mental response to all things remotely related to her.  I take hope in the fact that person after person who has lost a child to death assures me that my grief will change.  I will always miss Becky and mourn what might have been, but there will come a day when missing Becky is more routine and grief is not so readily triggered.  I look forward to that day.

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”  Isaiah 40:28-31

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Grief – The Psalms Life

Posted on May 26, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?  Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.”  
Psalm 13

I love the Psalms – now more than ever.  Since returning from Omaha and Becky’s graduation my emotions have been a swirling storm.  So much is churning in me that it makes articulation nearly impossible.  There are jolts of pain and flashes of joy and questions and peace and agony and ecstasy.  I feel thirteen again.  The Psalms resonate because as I read through them I see this same up and down, high and low, fear and peace, joy and pain, question and trust – what I’m experiencing must be the human condition because it is captured so well in this book of the Bible.

The tornado that ripped through the heart of Joplin and those that followed to destroy other small communities and take lives leave me shaken and deeply grieved.  Steve and I went to college in Joplin.  We met there and started our lives together there so this community holds a dear place in our hearts.  Jacob and Becky also lived there as Jacob attended the same college that Steve and I attended and Becky worked as a Pharmacy Tech at St. John’s Regional Medical Center. This is the job that started her down the road toward being a Pharmacist – a job worked in a place that is now a complete devastation. We’ve been watching Facebook posts from the college detailing the hurts to staff, faculty, and students and providing information on how to help both those affiliated with the college and the broader Joplin community.  One student lost her life in the storm – a seventeen year old lover of Jesus who is now with Him.  How my heart goes out to the parents of this young lady.  Loss surrounds them and grief has come to live with them.  Needless to say they are not alone – so many others have lost so much.

I sense in many of the Psalms a tenacious clinging to faith.  The problems and sorrows and hounding fears yelled at the heavens are almost invariably followed by a statement acknowledging God.  I’ve experienced this desperate holding onto God’s knees over and over.  So aware of the questions and emotions coloring every particle of my being and then willfully turning my heart and soul back to the only one who can possibly know the answers or offer respite of any kind. 

Oh Lord, in this season where the very earth seems to have turned against us, I proclaim once again that you are Lord and that your love and compassion are forever. Show your face to those hurting and in the midst of devastation and loss.  Work through your people to display your provision and love to those who suffer.  Your salvation is our gift and it is good.  Your salvation is yesterday, today and tomorrow wherever our tomorrows find us – whether here in the flesh or with you in eternity. Give to your hurting people a tenacious desire for you. I praise you, Oh Lord, for you are good.

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Grief – Surprised by Joy

Posted on May 23, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.”  Psalms 30:11-12

Something sweet happened today.  I met a friend for coffee and as we were sitting and talking I saw a couple of women and their little girls walk by the window.  The door opened and the next thing I knew a three year old, blonde-haired, blue-eyed little girl smiled brightly at me and handed me a daisy.  I thanked her and told her that the daisy was sweet and almost as beautiful as her!

After a bit I saw that the women and girls were leaving the coffee shop.  I tried to get the women’s attention so I could make a comment about her little girl, but failed and thought that was the end of the experience. As I watched them leaving I saw the older girl, about eight years of age, stop and pick another daisy and head back in to the coffee shop.  She stopped again at our table and handed my friend a daisy too. We told her how much we enjoyed the flower gifts and asked her name and her sister’s name.  Her name is Rebecca and her little sister is Ellie.

Becky at Around Three Years of Age

Becky at Around Three Years of Age

These two little girls reminded me so much of Becky as a child.  Becky was just like that.  She would have very joyfully given a flower to someone and given her sparkly smile and joy at the same time.  Everyone was her friend – she never knew a stranger.  As I remembered Becky as a child I remembered an incident one evening at church.  Church was just beginning and the kids were out front playing on the lawn as our youth leaders started to round them up for their lesson time. The adults had just started our first song and I was at the piano – a very uncomfortable place for me.  I was focused and concentrating on what I was playing trying to avoid mistakes when I became aware of a small blond streak racing up the center aisle of the church toward me.  The next thing I knew Becky stood beside the piano and little pudgy three year old hands presented me a treasure of dandelions. The brightest blue eyes ever sparkled at me as she chortled “here Mommy”!  This sweet moment was almost immediately followed by an apologetic youth worker capturing Becky and taking her off to the youth program.

This whole incident from the gift of today’s flower child to my memory of Becky came in a little flood of joy.  Today’s flower was sweet and so was the memory that came in response.  I was able to share the memory with my friend without tears!  Today’s gift feels like a little victory – thank you Lord for this sweet episode.  As I pray for my friends in tough situations I often pray that God will surprise them with joy in the midst of their difficult circumstances.  Today I was surprised by joy!

“When the LORD brought back the captives to Zion, we were like men who dreamed.  Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, “The LORD has done great things for them.” The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.  Restore our fortunes, O LORD, like streams in the Negev.  Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.  He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.”  Psalms 126

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Grief – “At Last I See the Light”

Posted on May 19, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” 1 Corinthians 13:12

Earlier this week we returned from celebrating Becky’s graduation at Creighton University in Omaha, Nebraska.  Our time on campus getting to know Becky’s classmates and teachers was a great blessing and a renewed sorrow.  At each event we longed to see Becky walking down the aisle and claiming the honors for which she had worked so hard.  What we did see is something that most of us don’t get to see – the impact of one well lived life on those within its sphere of influence.

Since returning home I’ve been struggling to return to a more even keel of grief.  I miss Becky so.  Yesterday I did laundry and ironed to catch-up from our trip and watched the Disney movie “Tangled” as I stood at the ironing board (thanks for the Mother’s Day gift, Joni).  This movie is a delight, but I found myself sobbing as I watched it.  In one scene Rapunzel is finally out of her tower, in the real world and watching lanterns rise in the sky.  Her life dream has been to see the lanterns for real and not through a tiny window in her ceiling. Her joy in the real experience is expressed in the song “At Last I See the Light”.  The song is both an expression of joy and a love song.  As I listened I heard it as the song of praise that comes from the lips of a soul newly entered into the presence of our Lord and King – I heard it as Becky’s song.

All those days watching in the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I’ve been
Now I’m here blinking in the starlight
Now I’m here suddenly I see
Standing here it’s all so clear
I’m where I’m meant to be

And at last I see the light
And it’s like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it’s like the sky is new
And it’s warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you

All those days chasing down a daydream
All those years living in the blur
All that time never truly seeing
Things, the way they were
Now she’s here shining in the starlight
Now she’s here suddenly I know
If she’s here it’s crystal clear
I’m where I’m meant to go

And at last I see the light
And it’s like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it’s like the sky is new
And it’s warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you

Becky has entered a reality far greater than this one.  We live out our lives in the solid day-to-day activities and relationships that define our reality and yet this ‘real world’ is a pointer to a world that is so much ‘more’ real.  I miss Becky, but I see my longing to see Becky as the pointer to a longing for the advent of the ‘real’ world – a world where I see the Lord face-to-face and serve and love Him with a clarity that I can only imagine today.

“Therefore do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon celebration or a Sabbath day. These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ.” Colossians 2:16-18

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Grief – Becky’s Mother’s Day Poem

Posted on May 7, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

For Mother’s Day I’m sharing a poem with you that Becky wrote back in high school.  I love this poem and once again thank Becky for writing it!

MOTHER

Watch
eye
tired
sigh
eyes
blue
sky
hue
listen
ear
calm
fear
gray
hair
skin
fair
soft
skin
body
thin
circle
arm
no
harm
patient
love
encourage
shove
protect
care
teach
share
morals
strong
work
long
follow
God
no
facade
write
read
cook
feed
smile
light
say
goodnight

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Grief – Mother’s Day

Posted on May 6, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“I thank God, whom I serve, as my forefathers did, with a clear conscience, as night and day I constantly remember you in my prayers. Recalling your tears, I long to see you, so that I may be filled with joy.  I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also. For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands.  For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”
 2 Timothy 1:3-7

Sunday is Mother’s Day and I am a swirl of emotions and not sure I can be coherent about them.  A dear friend suggested that we should do away with Mother’s Day and Father’s Day and all of these days that bring both joy and pain to so many.  That pain isn’t just about death, although losing a loved one means those celebratory days hurt for a while.  Rather it is the pain inherent in all broken and imperfect relationships that raises up on these days.  I recognize this pain, but I’m not in favor of giving up a celebration of an ideal simply because reality often falls so short – maybe even always falls so short.  Instead my hope is that we fine tune our relational antennas to sense those who are hurting and to support, love, encourage, and pray for them – to bring them ‘before the Father from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name’ (Ephesians 3:14, 15).

Kristin, Becky and Joni came into my life and granted me the title ‘Mom’.  That hasn’t changed even though Becky has moved to heaven. So today and this weekend I delight in Kristin, Becky, and Joni and what they mean to me.  I delight in grandchildren – Amity and Dara, Helen and Patrick – what joy to have them in our lives. My deeper grief this year is for Amity and Dara as they navigate the dark waters of not having their Mom for this first Mother’s Day since her death. There are no ‘things’ to fill this void, no words, only the love and prayers of Daddy, grandparents, family, and friends.

I have to confess that to some degree I’m looking past Mother’s Day to this coming week and Becky’s graduation.  In some ways my eye on that event muffles my experience of Mother’s Day.  Steve and I will be together with Jacob, Amity and Dara in Omaha, Nebraska at Creighton University to celebrate Becky’s achievements as she is awarded a posthumous Doctorate of Pharmacy. So bittersweet.  Everything in me wants to be the invisible and permeable shield for this family as we experience these days — to shield from more hurt, but to allow joy and celebration to the core of our hearts.  This is crazy thinking – I am not capable of being this for myself let alone anyone else. I am so blessed to have the opportunity just to be there, to fully experience this, to love on and pray for Steve, Jacob, Amity and Dara, and to laugh and cry and remember with each other and Becky’s friends. 

“Lord, I open my hands to give You this weekend and this coming week in all of its beauty and sadness and swirl of emotion. Work in the coming days and hours and seconds to glorify Yourself and to show the truth of Your love and beauty in the midst of our sorrow and loss.  Keep my desire to control and fix things at bay even while you keep me sensitive to Your work in me and others.  All my trust is in You Good Father!”

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Grief – Do Not Lose Heart

Posted on May 2, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

At times it is hard not to lose heart.  I feel like I am fighting a battle against grief’s grip on my life.  I win skirmishes and progress toward a normal, productive life and then I’m waylaid by sniping from an unforeseen surprise ambush that sets me back again.  Sometimes this is about Becky and sometimes not.

Today I just want to go home.  I want to be in that place where relationship with God and others is primary and cherished.  Where peace reigns and men and women of varied gifts, cultures, and races together worship and serve Almighty God.  To be face-to-face with Jesus and reunited with family and introduced to family I haven’t yet met.  What joy that will be!

Sorrows are many and pervasive from the life-altering events that rock the world of a warrior Mom that I hold dear to the cataclysmic skirmishes of war that end in death and rock the whole world.  It is never-ending . . . until that day when the old order of things will die and God will dwell with men.  How I long for that day! Come quickly Lord Jesus! Come!  In the meantime I hold onto the hope I see in Jesus – in His life, in His death, in His resurrection.  How I admire the way that this God-Man lived out His days and how I long to live just like Him.  Praise Him that He IS come and lives in me and others who follow Him.  Oh Lord Jesus – continue to live out Your death-conquering life of redemption and restoration through me, through us, Your followers!

“Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades.”  Revelation 1:17-18

“Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”  Revelation 21:3-4

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Grief – Ressurection!

Posted on April 24, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“After the Sabbath, as the first light of the new week dawned, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary came to keep vigil at the tomb. Suddenly the earth reeled and rocked under their feet as God’s angel came down from heaven, came right up to where they were standing. He rolled back the stone and then sat on it. Shafts of lightning blazed from him. His garments shimmered snow-white. The guards at the tomb were scared to death. They were so frightened, they couldn’t move.  The angel spoke to the women: “There is nothing to fear here. I know you’re looking for Jesus, the One they nailed to the cross. He is not here. He was raised, just as he said. Come and look at the place where he was placed.  “Now, get on your way quickly and tell his disciples, ‘He is risen from the dead. He is going on ahead of you to Galilee. You will see him there.’ That’s the message.” Matthew 28:1-7- From The Message

He is risen! He is risen indeed!  Easter has long been my favorite holiday of the year.  Jesus taught with clarity that he would die, be buried, and rise again after three days.  The chief priests and Pharisees certainly understood this teaching.  They had no fear that Jesus would actually rise from the dead, but they went to Pilate after Jesus’ death and burial to get an order to secure the tomb.  They feared that the disciples would come to steal the body away and thereby deceive people into thinking that Jesus had truly risen.  They got their guard and security measures, but to no avail.  Jesus proved that his word can be trusted when the guards fell down as if dead and the tombstone rolled away to make way for his resurrection.  Death does not give way to life like this.  The laws of nature and the reality we experience tell us that once dead, people stay dead.  But Jesus overturned the laws of nature and became the firstborn from the dead – the great keeper of the promises he made.

Because he has proven that I can believe him in this most difficult of all promises to keep, I know I can believe him for all the promises he made.

“I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:34-37

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” John 3:16-18

“I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.” John 11:25-26

I miss Becky terribly, but on Easter I rejoice in the fact that she believed in and followed Jesus. The promise given has been fulfilled!  Jesus is risen, he is risen indeed!  And because of this I know that Becky lives too!

“If we humans die, will we live again? That’s my question. All through these difficult days I keep hoping waiting for the final change — for resurrection! Homesick with longing for the creature you made, you’ll call — and I’ll answer!” Job 14:14-15-From The Message

“By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also.” 1 Corinthians 6:14-From the NIV

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