GLEANINGS from Claudia: On 9/11

Posted on September 11, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Jesus answered: “Watch out that no one deceives you.  For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Christ,’ and will deceive many.  You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come.  Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places.  All these are the beginning of birth pains.” Matthew 24:4-8

Wars and rumors of wars (primarily military casualties listed, millions more died) . . .
Operation Iraqi Freedom – 3,755
Operation Enduring Freedom — 436
Operation Desert Storm – 407
September 11 – 2,977
Vietnam – 58,156
Korea – 44,692
World War II – 416,041
Pearl Harbor – 2,402
World War I – 117,465

And don’t forget . . .
Civil war in Ivory Coast
Civil war in Libya
Civil war in Somalia
Civil war in Yemen
Civil war in Palestine
Jihad in Pakistan

And on and on and on . . .

“ The Spirit and the bride say, “Come !” And let him who hears say, “Come!” Whoever is  thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life.” Revelation 22:17

“Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of night the thief was coming, he would have kept watch and would not have let his house be broken into. So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.”
Matthew 24:42-44

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: The ‘Mom’ Muscle

Posted on September 9, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” Jeremiah 29:11-14

I am the soul of ambiguity stewing in layers of grief this morning. We are four days into the school year and I miss Becky more than ever. The foundational layer of grief, the one upon which all others are built, is just plain missing Becky. I still find myself thinking “she’s gone, she’s really gone” at times. I still don’t want to believe it, but it is impossible not to believe. Then there is the layer that misses being Grandma. The girls and I have had such fun in the past as I exercised all of my Grandma muscles on them and their cousins. For the first time in years I find myself exercising the Mom muscles again. This morning I flexed them as I told the girls that they had to go to school even though they both wanted to stay home. I pushed and cajoled and ordered them out the door even though I honestly wanted to let them stay home and we would all just cuddle on the couch all day. In true Mom fashion I know what is best for them, but my heart aches to keep them near and love on them. Thank heavens I have the history of my own girls to look back on and I know that faithfully doing the ‘right’ thing will serve both them and me well in the end.

It is a bit harder to be the ‘strong mom’ with Amity and Dara. They’ve suffered a huge loss and both are seeking stability in a world that keeps changing. Amity dreamed last night that she was in a place where she wanted her Dad to be too, but he wasn’t there.  She hugged him hard and long this morning – clinging as much as her almost 11 year old self allowed. Dara is beset by little anxieties – but not so little to her. She is a lot like her mom in that regard and will need lots of coaching and coaxing to overcome her inner worrier. I know that this part of me that wants to be soft on the girls needs to be put down because the girls need strength and stability so much. On the other hand I need to listen to the soft side and strain every intuition to try to understand what is going on in the girls and discern how best to be a help to them.

I am in a love-hate relationship with my new role in the grand-girl’s lives. And I suspect they might feel the same way if they could articulate it. They may miss ‘me/us’ as much as I miss ‘me/us’. Life continues to change as the level of our living together shifts to accommodate the gap of who Becky was to all of us. “Lord – You are in the midst of this place in our lives. Help me to get over the life that I had, the life that I miss, the life for which I long. Give me the deep trust in You to live the new life and to see the beauty and joy and good things you have for all of us in this new life. Don’t let me miss it by living in a land of regret.”

“Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.” Psalm 37:3-6

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Firsts

Posted on September 7, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”  Ecclesiastes 3:11

In many ways I’m looking forward to being completely past this first year after Becky’s death.  We’ve just come through a weekend of ‘firsts’ without Becky.  Jacob experienced his first anniversary without Becky. Thirteen years ago on September 4 they were married. Coincidently our worship on this Sunday, September 4 included two songs from Becky and Jacob’s wedding and one from her memorial service. There is no way that our Worship Minister knew this, but Steve was preaching on heaven and the songs fit that theme. Steve and I also experienced our first anniversary without Becky on Monday, September 5. We couldn’t help but think ‘last year Becky was still with us’. Our granddaughters went back to school for the first time without their Mom’s excited preparation and partnership. In all of this I remember ‘Becky was still alive at this time last year’ and it hurts.

We have some hard firsts yet to come – our first Thanksgiving without her, the first time we remember Becky’s birthday in her absence, the first Christmas without Becky, the first anniversary of her accident and death and, of course, all of the ‘firsts’ yet to come in two young women’s lives. Sometimes I’d really like to stop the forward progress of time today and not face these chronological time bombs.

It helps to see so many I know, some quite well, who have gone through all of this ‘first’ stuff ahead of us in their own grief journey. I can tell that it is hard traversing this unmapped territory in a griever’s life, but I can also tell that one gets through.  Dreading the next ‘first’ isn’t the best preparation for that day, so I try not to dwell in a future I can’t change. Preparing for the next ‘first’ is a fine thing and we did that as we faced the first wedding anniversary since Becky died. I hope to continue successfully walking the fine line between ‘dread’ and ‘preparation’ as time moves on.

“You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.  Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.”  Psalm 23:5-6

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: The Grand-girls

Posted on September 2, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” Deuteronomy 11:18-20

I’ve come to realize that grandchildren are a time machine. Spending so much time with Amity and Dara has taken me back to the days of Kristin, Becky and Joni. There are significant differences – mostly in my energy level — but so much is the same as I interact with the girls all day long. Our conversations are wide-ranging and free. Nothing is off limits to talk about and comments made by one grand-girl will uncover a new thought path and we’re off to another discussion. In one errand-running car ride we’ll discuss pregnancy and birth and how mitochondria work and what they did yesterday with their friends and their eagerness and anxiety about school and why their Mommy died and what heaven is like and the next movie they want to see and clothing choices for school and what a certain word means, etc., etc. We are free range, organic conversers.

The girls are typical sisters loving each other deeply one moment and ready to destroy each other completely the next. They own themselves and their freedom to choose never doubting that it is their birthright to decide who they are and how they will live. I rejoice in this strength in them and seek the Lord’s guidance in how to love them into full surrender to Him. They are devoted to their father looking to him for direction and love simultaneously wanting to take care of him and protect him from the towering sorrow that shadows his life.

We’ve had the privilege of serving together several times recently. A friend of mine experienced the death of her aged father recently and in response to my offer to do anything she needed, she requested a small luncheon for her family and friends after her Dad’s memorial service. Her friends love her and we were eager to provide food and love for this gathering. The girls and I waited until my friend and her family left for the memorial service and with the help of another friend, we gained access to the house and left an abundant luncheon feast in her home awaiting the return of the family. The girls were thrilled to be ‘food fairies’ as they chose to call themselves and readily recognized this as an opportunity to comfort someone with the same comfort that was so recently provided to us. They experienced ‘pay it forward’ in real time and found joy in comforting another.

Yesterday we helped prepare goody trays for the ‘Bus Stop Café’ that is part of the great ‘School Supply Give-Away’ provided by area churches. The girls worked hard and lovingly laid out trays of cookies, muffins and sweetbreads to bless the teachers who come to ‘shop’ for free at the give-away. They were awed at the mountains of school supplies ready to be given away to help our hard-working teachers. Today they get to see the fruit of yesterday’s work as we go to help with the actual event. I’ve been thinking into next summer already. What do you do to keep two energetic girls occupied in God-honoring, growth oriented activities? I think I see random acts of service in our future together!

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 2 Corinthians1:3-5

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: The Big Change

Posted on September 2, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. . .” Psalm 23:4

As I’ve written earlier, life has changed. A lot. With Jacob and the girls living nearby and with the Lord’s provision of a job for Jacob, I have a job too! I’m up early waiting in their front room until the girls awaken and we can start each day. They are in those last, precious days of summer – enjoying sleeping late most days and the relative freedom of a summer schedule. Next week this changes as the new school year begins.

I’ve been an avid and broad reader in the past and hope to be again. So far since Becky died I’ve found that only books on grief can sustain my interest. I’ve read a wide variety of these books from secular to faith based, from clinical to personal sagas, from high literature to common garden variety books. Each book has added something to my understanding of grief and the very evident fact that it is common to every person. In the past I’ve enjoyed books for the way they allow me to step into another’s life. I try to gain a perspective on how I would respond to that which is happening in the story. I’ve been especially fascinated with stories from World War II – this time when life in so many European communities was drastically altered in what appeared to be a permanent change. So many people with established routines of life, based upon a world governed by certain rules and societal understandings, were suddenly over-run by a military government with a completely new set of rules and expectations. For many of them, in a day, their lives changed from relative peace and security to fear and restraint and the ever-present face of violently controlling invaders.

On a personal level I think I can relate to the whiplash involved in this overnight change. The most basic of understandings have shifted in me. I will always be the mother of three, but now I have two living daughters. I’m not going to die before all of my children. I can’t promise my granddaughters that they are safe and secure and nothing bad will ever happen to them. No matter how ‘good’ I am, no matter how much I follow the tenants of my faith, life is a tenuous walk on a tightrope without a net. Everything can change in an instant.

I’ve been transported to a place called ‘missing Becky’ – a place that I would never choose to visit. But like those characters in my books whose lives have changed permanently, I am slowly adjusting. I fill my days with enjoying the ‘grand-girls’ all the while quietly longing for the day that takes me to the place that Becky has gone. I’m much more consistent in spending time in the Word and with the Lord. I pray nearly constantly about one thing or another. I’m puzzled and hurt and disappointed by so many things in this life, but I’m overjoyed and awed and thankful for at least that many more. If I could in my next breath I would go back to the lives we all had before Becky died. I can’t so I will walk following Jesus throughout my days and trusting Him for Becky, me and all the others that I love.

“The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.” Isaiah 57:1-2

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: “Back to the Future”

Posted on August 25, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” Col 3:15-17

Eight months after Becky’s death life continues to change. I wonder when the new normal will kick in – when a sense of stability and routine will fill my days. I’m at a time in my life when I thought ‘new’ was done. I have to confess that I’d grown to enjoy knowing and comfort and ease and quietly sweet time with the Lord and precious time with Steve. All of a sudden . . . thank You Lord! . . .  much of life is about helping Jacob during his work week.  Two precious lives are entrusted to my care each weekday and for this I am immensely thankful.

In some ways life has shifted backwards to my youth when the needs of home, job, and kids were all consuming. I remember those days and finding quiet was almost impossible. Today I am in some kind of “Back to the Future” world where I once again struggle to find quiet time and rest. There are so many blessings associated with this strange time warp that they are too many to enumerate, but there is also wrestling in this new land.

Would I change this? Yes if changing it meant getting Becky back. And yes if changing it means Jacob meeting the second love of his life.  But otherwise the answer is a shouted, declarative NO! I am tired and I am uncertain and at times I wonder if I’m living out this new life in a godly, nurturing way. I’m lonely for my girls – all three of them.  I want more
of Steve and I want more of Jesus. And I suspect that finding my way in the midst of this chaos – figuring out how to follow Jesus through this altered landscape – is at least a bit of what finding my new normal is all about. “Lord, set my course – help me to adjust, no
not to adjust, but to flourish into this new life. How I long to see the sweet fruit of Your Spirit in me, and reflected into the lives of those that I love so much.  Thank You for this precious and stretching assignment of love!”

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” Colossians 3:23-24

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GLEANGINGS from Claudia: “I Will”

Posted on August 24, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.” Exodus 15:2

Immediately after Becky died I was drawn to worship music and to scripture that makes an ‘I will’ declaration. Phrases such as “I will stand”; “I will worship”; “I will praise”; “I will follow”; all appeal to my desire to stand firm in faith in the midst of faith-shaking circumstance.

I searched my concordance on the phrase “I will” and found 2,184 matches for that phrase. The phrase seems to be pretty evenly distributed between “I will” declarations that the Lord makes and “I will” declarations that individuals make to the Lord or each other. The phrase implies commitment, determination, promise, and faithfulness. The phrase isn’t a stand-alone phrase – it is a future looking voice that is applied to many actions. “I will” stakes a claim for today that intends to continue into every tomorrow.

There have been many days in my life since December 29, 2010 where standing in faith has been an act of sheer will. But I’ve found that as I’ve chosen to stand in faith the pleasure, comfort, and assurance that I once found in that faith is returning. As I continue in my “I will” stance I can testify that God is being faithful to His “I will” promises for my life.

“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” Psalm 43:5

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: A Prayer as Summer Ends

Posted on August 19, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“May the Lord direct your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” 2nd  Thessalonians 3:5

A PRAYER AS SUMMER ENDS

Summer winds down
The long days are shorter, but not yet short
Late summer fruit is deliciously ripe
Sweet juices nurture me body and soul
As always I lean away from the coming dark
Or maybe more so this season
Sun and warmth and fragrance and summer song
Have been a balm to my wounds
Crystalline dark does not call me

Those I love are happy
As happy as possible when there is a missing
And the one missing is happiest of all
Each turn of the sun brings us closer to peace
Not acceptance not getting over
But peace in the midst of the missing
I wonder – is it summer forever there
Is there warmth and sun and flowers and fruit
Are there patios with gentle breezes and good friends

My sweet Lord
The summer of unbroken love
The summer of eternal relationship
Is your perennial truth
From before there was time you loved
And lived in perfect harmony of three in one self
But somehow longing for more love
Longing overflowed into creating and loving us
We who begin but do not end

Give me eyes to see the expressions of your perfect beauty
Give me ears to hear you singing love songs over me
Give me a heart to feel the warm embrace of eternal living love
Give me stillness to savor your sweet fragrance incensing my days
Give me stamina to endure with delight the waiting to come home
Give me desire to midwife others into your love
Give me healing that pours over other hurting lives
Give me days of hard walking to exercise my dependence on you
In all things give me you

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Letter to Becky

Posted on August 18, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

Dear Becky,

I’ve wanted to write you again and life is hectic and busy and the time has been hard to come by.  So much has happened since the letter I wrote you just 15 weeks after you left us. We are just short of eight months since that day. This is hard for me to fathom.

The biggest change is that on Friday, July 22 Amity, Dara and I left Rosalia on what is  likely our last trip between Washington and Oregon. Jake followed us the next day with a moving truck and Andy in the pick-up.  Jake and the girls are living in Philomath now and I love this new arrangement. The house they are renting is small and abused and will not be their final landing place, but it is a fine place from which to seek their long-term Oregon home. I get to see the girls nearly every-day and we’ve enjoyed the sweetness of a late-blooming Oregon summer. We’ve been to Otter Beach, picked Strawberries, picked Blackberries, recycled cans, enjoyed coffee drinks, and played in parks. This weekend we will all be at South Beach together for the church’s Family Camp. School is only a couple of weeks away with registration next week. The girls and I have been by there a couple of
times and they are excited and just a bit anxious about this next step in their journey. I’ve so enjoyed getting to know the girls better. They each have their strengths and their weaknesses and very distinct personalities that reflect both you and Jacob. I love them dearly and you have reason to be proud of them and the depth of their strong love for you.

Jake is amazing. And so is God! Within two weeks of moving here and starting the job-hunting process Jake had two job-offers from which to choose.  He starts Monday, August 22 at the Corvallis Clinic as a Building Engineer. Isn’t that exciting? Somehow this rich provision is a confirmation to me that the move here is being blessed by God. It also gives me comfort – a knowing that God was in the midst of you leaving us. I can’t explain beyond that, but then I suspect you know much more than I about that situation.

For the months after you died I struggled to understand how I could be faithful to the off-hand promise I made to you that if anything ever happened to you, then your Dad and I would be a support to Jacob in raising the girls. I am at peace now as I get to help on a nearly daily basis and will provide before and after school help to the girls while Jacob works. The girls and I have shared our feelings about you so often and we’ve remembered you with joy and sadness.  We are thinking about how we will celebrate your birthday and what will Thanksgiving and Christmas look like? We get to process all of this together and it helps so much.

I am still overcome at times with the unreal reality of you gone. It surprises me – this intense grief that hovers over me like a predator of which I’m unaware until it swoops in and I’m undone. These attacks are becoming less frequent, but when they come they are no less intense. And I can never sense when one is around the corner. In some ways it feels like the accident and losing you all over again each time. There was no way to prepare for that and no quick and easy way to ‘adjust’ to the lack of you. And the adjusting goes on and on and on.

Becky, no doubt about it, you are missed – intensely missed. Your absence is shaping our lives even more than your presence did. I completely trust that God is in the present process of making our lives into something beautiful even through that absence.

Oh – I hear the girls and Jacob!  Time to sign off!  Love you forever!
Mom

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Jacob

Posted on August 12, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“I have strayed like a lost sheep. Seek your servant, for I have not forgotten your commands.” Psalms 119:176

FOR JACOB

Man of strength
Until the one lamb you cherished
Was taken by One who owns all
How the mighty have fallen

Anger, disappointment, discouragement
Abandonment
Alone, unheard, you closed heart and eyes to Him
Who would comfort you even in this

Seven months of doldrums
Seven months of change and stagnation
Seven months alone with feeble tainted comfort
Seven months of running in place to nowhere

Reluctantly you moved ever so slightly
And miles from the loss
A blessed paltry home is given
Does He care or not?

Then came the test
‘Show me’ you challenged
Wanting to believe, believing not
Belligerently facing Him

And He danced with joy at glimpsing your face
He swept up blessings, showering on your little love
He shouted at you I CARE . . . I’ve always cared
And poured His love all over you

‘Should I believe’ you wonder
And friends who know wonder at your uncertainty
‘We believe’ we shout . . . there is no doubt
You are loved and comfort is belief away

And still it hangs in the balance
Threatened by your little lamb gone
And shame and guilt and fear
Oh how He loves you, Oh how He loves you

All of this will not be wasted
When given to the Lord
When laid upon the altar
You will be healed and you will be mighty again

Comfort those who hurt with the comfort
Wherewith I have comforted you
To the places I assign you
Take the sure knowledge that I care

He sees, He hears, He cares and He comes down
To bring salvation to His children
Sometimes He assigns a Moses
To bring salvation to His children
I pray a Moses call on your life
To set the captives free in Him
I pray an Abraham heart for you
Willing to lay all on the altar
I pray a David anointing
That sinful man after God’s own heart
I pray that you will taste and see that
The Lord is good

“’Do not fear, O Jacob my servant; do not be dismayed, O Israel. I will surely save you out of a distant place, your descendants from the land of their exile. Jacob will again have peace and security, and no one will make him afraid. Do not fear, O Jacob my servant, for I am with you,’ declares the LORD.”  Jeremiah 46:27-28

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