GLEANINGS from Claudia: Awakened by Sorrow

Posted on October 10, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

I sleep only to wake awash in tears
Though night lives on
Sorrow swells and I swim
Sorrow is my atmosphere
My dear friend whose brother died
She fears him lost forever

The father mother sister aunts and uncles
Mourning their young son brother nephew
Innocent in the wrong place at the wrong time
Short sweet life ended by evil incarnate
We know where he is, but why, why, why this waste

A friend watches her husband drinking again
Another gives up the battle for her marriage
Leaving her husband to protect her child and self
Another agonizes with a sometimes wayward son who loves a woman
Now battling cancer for her life Will she win? Will he win?

A woman I love sees her son do battle everyday
He fights to hear the voice of God
Voices he hears and those she fears
This beautiful life overshadowed by a mind awry

Where are You oh God of power?

I envy Becky
Past this place of sorrow and pain
I’m jealous of the grace and mercy she’s received
Leaving soon and missing agony
I’m here I know not exactly why
I’m tired of the old order of things
I groan with all creation awaiting the full redemption
Waiting I praise and sing and love and reach for trust and faith
Waiting I pray God’s heart for these who hurt one step from glory
One agonized before me
And died to end the agony
Agony to end agony
Painfully expectant I wait . . .

“And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men,  and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Rev 21:3-4

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Mother Love

Posted on October 9, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.” Jonah 2:8

I’m in a book group and just finished the October book “The Great Divorce” by C.S. Lewis. The book was a fast read, but quite deep, and challenged me at several levels. In his book Lewis is exploring the concept of heaven and hell. There are so many great thoughts and quotes in this book, but I found myself most challenged by Lewis’ vignette of a mother whose son died before she died. She stands in a sort of netherworld where the opportunity to love God and enter heaven is right in front of her. But all she wants is to see the son she lost and loves deeply. She is told that in order to perceive her son she must first learn to ‘want Someone Else besides’ her son. She reluctantly agrees to do whatever is needed and the sooner the better so that she can see her boy as soon as possible. Her guide tells her “Don’t you see you are not beginning at all as long as you are in that state of mind? You’re treating God only as a means to Michael.” A bit later in the exchange he reminds her that “You exist as Michael’s mother only because you first exist as God’s creature.” The woman argues with her guide maintaining that Mother-love is the highest and holiest feeling in human nature. Her guide wisely answers back “. . . no natural feelings are high or low, holy or unholy, in themselves. They are all holy when God’s hand is on the rein. They all go bad when they set up on their own and make themselves into false gods.”

I am so much more drawn to heaven now than I was before Becky got to go ahead of me. In some ways this is good and right, but I want to beware of making seeing Becky again into my primary motivation for longing for heaven. I have this dread of waving a quick ‘hello’ to Jesus and then running on by to find Becky. I know that all the love of my life is but a drop in the ocean of God’s love. I know that all of that love is also somehow sourced out of my love for God. If I focus on the lesser loves – even when they are as great as my love for Steve, or my girls, or the families they have birthed – those loves will turn to bitter dust in my urgency to hold on to them and make them serve my desire.  When I hold these loves as a portion of the love of God in my life and when I serve them in the way of His selfless serving love, then those loves become holy and blessed and a part of the glorious love of God. When I first love God all my love becomes immeasurably more than I could even ask or imagine.

 “O the deep, deep love of Jesus
Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free
Rolling as a mighty ocean, in its fullness over me
Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love
Leading onward, leading homeward, to Thy glorious rest above”
-by Samuel Trevor Francis

 

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Dissonance

Posted on October 8, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.” Jeremiah 31:13

God is good. At the beginning of loss and in the midst of anguished grief and today in a  possibly momentary quieter place God is good. I’ve never lost sight of this fact and God’s goodness has sustained me even at my darkest points of grief.

Jacob and I had a long coffee-fueled conversation (did you know even decafe provides fuel?) earlier this week. It was good to catch-up with him beyond the needed daily logistics as we exchange the girls into each other’s responsibility. We are right in the same place in the grieving process. On one hand we can’t help but see the beauty of God’s provision in the midst of extreme circumstances. I still marvel that Jacob moved here right into an inexpensive rental and then stepped into a job within 3 weeks of his arrival. The girls are adjusting well to their new school situation. They are making friends and Amity has her first birthday party this weekend.  The girls have always longed for interaction with family and now they are richly blessed in visiting various family members nearly every weekend. And in a wonderful statement from God of “I’m still here and I haven’t forgotten you” Jacob has been given a promotion at work – five weeks into his new job!

Jacob expressed so well how he feels about this. On one hand he so clearly sees God pouring blessing over him. God has provided abundantly and continues to provide abundantly. But the thought that sidles right up to the blessing is “I still don’t have Becky.”  There is a sense in which the provision feels too little and too late . . . that it wouldn’t even be necessary if Becky were still here.

Cognitive dissonance – what Jacob thinks he knows to be true – that God is a distant, mean entity, providing salvation on one hand, but then randomly and without feeling taking His good gifts back – doesn’t match up with the ongoing reality of a God that continues to shower blessing and attention on Jacob and the girls. I sense a deep truth here that nothing in this life is unadulterated, perfect, whole, complete and without taint.  God is good and He has the victory, but perfection waits until His victory obliterates time into eternity. On that final day “Gladness and joy will overtake us, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.”

“They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.” Isaiah 35:10

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Beauty from Stress

Posted on October 3, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1

I’m feeling a bit better again. What does that look like? I can go longer in a day without  dissolving into tears. Every sight, sound, smell and situation doesn’t call Becky to mind and make me miss her like crazy. But I still live each moment with the knowing that she is inaccessible to me.

I also know that life isn’t all about missing Becky. There is ‘other’ in my life – a husband to love and encourage, kids and grandkids to enjoy, a whole bunch of women to learn and grow with, and so much more. And the lessons the Lord shows me aren’t related only to this loss. He shows me other things too, for instance, about two weeks ago at church a crew
of people volunteered time to help plant trees around our year old building.  This landscaping project had been waiting on several things, most importantly the right time of year and weather conditions to plant young trees. The trees make a striking difference softening the geometric contours of the building. But even with that difference
some people just didn’t see the trees until this week. In the course of one week the trees have gone from a summery green to a gorgeous flaming red.  It is the time of year for this color change to happen, but the other trees around us are gradually easing into their new
coats. The tree in front of our house is still largely green, speckled with the beginning of a fall coat of scarlet. But the trees on the West side of the church have undergone an almost overnight amazing transformation.

I’m not an Arborist, but my assumption is that the speed of this color change is at least in part due to stress. As I looked at the trees and the warm red tint of the light surrounding them and flowing into our West hallway, I praised God for the beauty of this part of His creation. I feel confident that the stress the trees have experienced will clear and next
year, right on time in the Spring, they will once again put on leaves in response to the plan of our great Creator God.

So maybe this post is a bit about Becky. I hope and pray that my life and the lives of those of us so significantly impacted by losing Becky also shine some transcendent light in the midst of overwhelming stress. And I hope and pray that as we move forward step by step in time we too will continue to respond to the plan of God for our lives.

“But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.” Psalms 1:2, 3

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Prioritizing Love

Posted on September 28, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.” Ps 34:8-10

A sweet friend gave me this little manic daisy for my birthday. It sits in my kitchen window and whenever there is sufficient light it waves its little leaves up and down, up and down while the flowery head sways back and forth in time to the waving leaves. Most of the time it makes me smile; some of the time it makes me crazy.

My life feels a bit chaotic right now. There are many tasks and relationships that are priority to me. I want to do them all and do them well. The tasks feed the relationships so doing and being are hard to separate. Today many things stare me in the face begging to be done and ready by 7:00 p.m. tonight. I made a decision that would likely not have been made a few months ago. I put on my walking shoes, I took an index card with a verse I’ve
wanted to memorize and I set out to walk and run (yep, run!!!) while the Lord and I talked and I memorized His precious Word. It was SO GOOD!

Now I’m taking a moment to share this goodness with you before I zoom into the rest of the day’s priorities. There is an emptiness that comes with doing and doing and doing without the refreshing that comes from focus on the Lord. Today’s walk with Jesus was amazingly energizing and I want to do it again, rain or shine. That manic little daisy is waving its leaves in praise to the Lord whose wonderful light is the power it needs to operate. And the manic me is riding a wave of praise for the Lord of the light into this busy day! Lord – keep me hungering and thirsting for You as the highest priority of my life!

“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.  In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:16-18

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: A Gift

Posted on September 26, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Listen to me, O Jacob, Israel, whom I have called: I am he; I am the first and I am the last. My own hand laid the foundations of the earth, and my right hand spread out the heavens; when I summon them, they all stand up together.”  Isaiah 48:12-13

I am not a mystic although at times I long to be. I don’t have visions of the Lord, I don’t dream dreams of the Lord, and I don’t hear his voice. I haven’t even had a dream of Becky since she died. Others have dreamed of her and sensed her presence, but not me. I seem to be firmly rooted in this world even though I have a profound faith in the next.

I’ve told you this because of what I’m going to tell you next.  At least at this point in my life it is a once in a lifetime experience that I don’t expect to ever have repeated. On Sunday, July 12, 2009 I was up at 6 a.m. and alone in the den of our home. I wasn’t doing much of anything, just enjoying a quiet cup of coffee to start the day. I was at a place of pretty  complete exhaustion. I was less than a month into retirement from a job that I loved, but that had pretty much eaten me up. I was still working at least half time on a call-back basis. At that time I was in a season of pretty significant spiritual drought and doubting
that God existed or cared. Strangely enough I wasn’t considering leaving my faith – I was just in a deep, exhausted dry place.

Recall that I said it was quiet. In a shocking moment that I will remember forever I heard a voice state simply “I am.” I looked back over my shoulder to see who spoke since no one else was even home. The voice was real – a voice that my eardrums responded to, but there was no one there to utter the words. The next moment I felt an utter and profound certainty that the Lord, the great ‘I am’, had spoken. I still have the note in my Bible that says “God said ‘I am’ on Sunday a.m. July 12/09 at about 6 a.m. – I wonder why?”  As if in answer to that note, my Bible has this note right below it “on 12/29/10 Becky died.”

The nearly year and a half between the time I heard the voice and the time that Becky died was a time of reaffirming my faith and growing deeper in love with the Lord. Somehow that simple but profound statement of existence was all I needed to kick me into a hunger and thirst to know Jesus more and to love Him better. I shared this experience with both Becky and Jacob when I spent three days with them during the November before Becky died. At one point after Becky died Jacob mentioned that she had been reading her Bible a whole lot more in the weeks before her death. I find myself wondering if the experience God gave me that I then shared with Becky, helped her to have the same yearning for a deeper relationship with Him.

I’m so thankful for this one time gift that helped my heart prepare for the unthinkable. I couldn’t have faced Becky’s death without a solid belief in the goodness and reality of this God who cares enough to say to me “I am”.

“Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. I am the Living One; I was dead, and
behold I am alive forever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades.”  Revelation 1:17-18

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: A Sister’s Support

Posted on September 25, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide  them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.” Isaiah 42:16

Yesterday I wrote about the depths of grief with which I’m once again struggling. My sister read the blog and called me right away to cry with me, to let me know she is praying for me, and to share how she made it through a dark time in her life. She counseled me to imagine Jesus with me, beside me, and to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I realized that she described what I am instinctively doing. Although I want to hole up and just sit in the grief, I’ve felt compelled to keep going and doing and maintaining the scheduled events of my life. This has been a good thing. Even though I’m deeply sad, when I’m with others I’m better. If someone I’m with asks me how I’m doing I tend to answer “I’m OK right now – I’m with you.” When I’m with others, teaching, sharing, praying, loving, serving, I’m better and those who don’t know my heartbreak likely don’t see it on the surface.

As with nearly every aspect of life, there is a balance to be found. I can’t completely cover over the grief with activity and people. I need to experience the pain in hopes that feeling it through to something tolerable will happen over time. In the midst of people or when I’m alone I continue to sense the Lord’s presence and depend upon His guidance. He’s been through all of the places I’m going – there is no guide better equipped or more loving.

Life is rarely a binary experience – good or bad, black or white, joyful or grief filled – instead life is all of these swirled together sometimes in one moment. I’m so thankful for a community of family and friends supporting me, loving me and showing me the way. I’m so thankful for the creator of that community leading me along unfamiliar paths to a place of healing.

“Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level  ground.” Psalms 143:10

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GLEANINGS from Clauda: Grief Again

Posted on September 24, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“I am confined and cannot escape; my eyes are dim with grief.  I call to you, O LORD,  every day; I spread out my hands to you.”  Psalm 88:8-9

Five days until we end our ninth month since Becky died. I’m struggling again. I try to think into ‘why’ I’m back in a grief black-hole and I really don’t know. I’m hoping that if I can figure out what brings this on I can avoid it in the future. I want to be done with tears over nothing and everything. I want to be over being sensitive in my relationships. I want to enjoy life and people and the world around me again and not feel compelled to hole up somewhere curled in a little ball. I want to miss Becky, but not in a debilitating way.

This grief that assaults me is not welcome. It feels incredibly selfish. It doesn’t seem healthy to just pretend it isn’t there, but it also seems neurotic to sink into it and wallow. It calls to me to reject adjustment and change and accommodation and instead to lash out in anger at that which I can’t change. I feel like a two year old not getting my way.

Do I rage at grief and hope it turns tail tucked between its legs and leaves? Do I command it to leave in the name of Jesus? Do I embrace it and spend some time in grief’s dark womb? Do I eat it away gradually becoming the size of my sorrow? Do I somehow die to grief so that I can go on living?

No answers right now just questions clothing deep sorrow. And life goes on . . .

“But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless.”  Psalms 10:14

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Encouragement

Posted on September 20, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”   Thessalonians 5:10-11

Ever since Becky died I’ve looked for God sightings. I actively and eagerly look for evidence of His work in somehow turning this unacceptable loss into something good in someone’s life. Every so often I see this good with great clarity. Earlier today I once again got to see evidence of His ability to take something that seems unredeemable and use it for His good plans and purposes.  This glimpse of God came from one of Becky’s friends from high school, Angie Stirneman Blickenstaff Boyd. Angie was one of Becky’s best friends and I always thought of her as Becky’s cheerleader. She loved Becky and worked at getting Becky to know how really beautiful she was. Later on I had the privilege of mentoring Angie and grew to love and appreciate her sensitive heart for the Lord.

Angie wrote me recently to share what Becky’s death has meant in her life.  She’s given me
permission to share some of her story with you. By the way, Angie has recently married and is blessedly happy with her husband, Preston.

From Angie’s email to me:  “. . . A couple weeks ago now, I had a dream about Becky. I think I may have told you before, that when she died it really hit me hard even though we had not been in close friendship for years! I recommitted myself to Honor God & grow in my walk with the Lord & really challenge myself because of Becky’s Light in my life for Jesus (and because of your entire family’s touch in my life thru the years for God!). Anyway, I had lots of nights BEFORE the wedding where I just felt scared, fearful, anxious….the enemy or something. I have not experienced even one night of this since the wedding. Back to the dream: I was skateboarding or something random chasing after a bus! Willow was with me (so strange again as we have NO communication). After a chase I eventually hop on the bus to squeeze into a seat with You & Becky -like it was a perfectly normal event/moment. Becky smiled at me & you said hi. That was the end of my memory of the dream. When I woke up that morning & processed what it meant for me, I got this: You made it. You hopped on the bus for a 100% life living for Christ Jesus. Becky was so happy for me. I’m sure she must have prayed for me over the years or in the past. It’s like I carry her Christian sisterhood with me in my heart….I’m crying now as I think of her imprint on my life, your family, Suburban, my Great Grandmother & sitting in the front pew of your old church. Your family was the only Christian family I knew growing up, the only one I was exposed to honoring God’s name, prayer before meals, reading & studying the Bible & other books related to the Christian life, where TV was monitored, no Santa & other things a child notices. Becky & Jacob saved me from a huge doubt/rejection of Jesus & Christianity right before they moved away….Kristin’s friendship & influence after Becky was gone. The list goes on & on.”

Angie experienced a major challenge to her life when her first husband, Joe Blickenstaff, was killed on December 8, 2003 in Baghdad during Operation Iraqi Freedom. Her story encourages me in so many ways. It encourages me to know that Becky’s death helped turn her back to a life devoted to the Lord. It gives me hope to see Angie so incredibly happy in her new marriage in spite of a season of grief and struggle not that many years ago. It encourages me to know that Becky’s love of Angie and her sharing Jesus with Angie left an indelible imprint ready to be revealed under the right light and circumstance. And it encourages me to know that my time spent with Angie in the presence of the Lord was important to her and remains important to her.

What Angie has gleaned both from Becky’s life and Becky’s death will last into eternity.  Praise God!

“May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.” 2nd Thessalonians 2:16, 17

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Joy and Grief; Grief and Joy

Posted on September 19, 2011 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Are you asking one another what I meant when I said, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me’? I tell you the truth you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” John 16:19-22

Happy birthday to me. Today is my birthday and Saturday was Joni’s birthday. We had so much fun celebrating over the weekend because Kristin and her family, Jacob and his girls, Joni, and Steve and I were all together.  As always when we are together we laugh, we play cards, we eat too much, we think about the future and we reminisce the past. We went to a new coffee place in town and enjoyed each other in that atmosphere. At home we listened to the girls screaming and laughing, running from just over two-year-old Patrick as he acted the part of the cutest monster ever chasing them around the house for all he was worth. It was a weekend of delight.

It was also a sad weekend. Even now I tear up as I think of who was missing. Becky was so ‘there’ in all of our hearts and minds and so ‘not there’ in physical presence. Last year on this same weekend we were also all together. Our church was immersed in celebrating our new building and giving glory to God who provided it. The kids all came to participate in that celebration and to share our birthdays. I have brief video clips of Becky on the couch just down from me and threatening me with all manner of harm if I don’t quit taking video of her. The camera pans slowly around the room catching Kristin across from me on the love seat, Christopher in the big, comfy chair and Joni in the lounger. And then it pans back to Becky again. There is nothing of import here, nothing to say ‘hold on to this moment forever, soon she will be gone’, but oh how glad I am to have the sound of her voice recorded and that picture of her in the ubiquitous red cap.

I had private moments of tears as I missed her this weekend and I know others of the family experienced the same thing. Laughter and tears; joy and sorrow; are now ever intermixed in the hours of my days. I wait on a greater joy to come – a grand reunion in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ. I’ve heard it said that one moment in glory will completely do away with all of the pain and suffering and grief and longing of this world.
All the questions will fade into glory and I will stand in the presence of the perfect, complete, and ravishing answer.

“For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who was preached among you by me and Silas and Timothy, was not “Yes” and “No,” but in him it has always been “Yes.” For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ.” 2 Corinthians 1:19-20

 

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