I haven’t posted about grief for a while. We are in the eighteenth month since Becky died. Life has taken on the color of the new normal. Many good things, so many blessings have come about for Jacob and the girls and for me and my family in this new normal. Grief is mellow most of the time – still there as a quiet underpinning of life, but not usually spewing into and over every activity. But there are still those days that are just plain hard —  inexplicably hard and I miss her so much.

June 2012
Eighteen months and so much has happened
Jacob has a girl friend
Amity and Dara are two weeks from ending a school year in Philomath
Jacob has a new home and he is almost moved into it
Jacob has a great job
Andrew and Jaime have moved back to Kauai

A lot has changed and a lot remains the same
I miss you
Your Dad misses you
Joni misses you
Kristin misses you
Jacob misses you
Amity misses you
Dara misses you

The missing goes deep  —  it is wrong that you are gone – life is out of kilter
I touch your things helping with this move and I’m so hungry to talk to you
Amity ‘graduates’ from Fifth Grade soon and you will be present in your absence
Dara isn’t afraid of bees anymore and she wants to ride her bike to school
You need to celebrate with these girls who love you so much

Life is lived out in missing you
Life is missing you
I see, feel, smell, taste, and hear missing you

Still I know you live and I will see you again
It was constant and certain the night you died and now
The ache overshadows the knowing
The longing powers over the waiting
Still tenacious determined faith breathes in and out because where else would I go?

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Bless the lord oh my soul, Oh my soul, worship his holy name
Sing like never before, Oh my soul, I worship your holy name
The sun comes up, it’s a new day dawning, it’s time to sing your song again
Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the lord oh my soul, Oh my soul, worship his holy name
Sing like never before, Oh my soul, I worship your holy name
You’re rich in love and you’re slow to anger, Your name is great and your heart is kind
For all your goodness I will keep on singing, 10,000 reasons for my heart to find

Bless the lord oh my soul, Oh my soul, worship his holy name
Sing like never before, Oh my soul, I worship your holy name
And on that day when my strength is failing, the end draws near and my time has come
Soon my soul will sing your praise un-ending, 10,000 years and then forever more

“Ten Thousand Reasons” by Matt Redman