I feel astounded this morning to think that a year (a year!!) has passed since you left us — or maybe better said, “Since you went home.” How you are missed. We still laugh and love and enjoy one another, but with every laughing spell the thought surfaces “Becky would’ve loved this!” You are missed and I’ve come to understand that the missing will always be. Our lives were so knit together that even when healing comes the place of mending will be obvious. There will ever be a scar on this family that will call us back to a time of wholeness when you walked with us.
As time progressed bringing us to this day I’ve pondered how this year has tutored me. I’ve learned so much and some of that is so enmeshed in me that I’m not able to articulate it. I’m changed in the fabric of my being by losing you. I now know that grief isn’t simple. Grief grows out of relationship and is as varied and complex and primal as our human relations. Grief doesn’t go away. It goes deep so that I no longer trip on it every day, but it is a new foundation to my life. It will surface and submerge and surface again. Friends on this journey for decades tell me they still have days of fresh grief.
I’ve learned the one thing that helps with my grief is relationship. This is a multi-colored and diverse help. Keeping my face turned toward the Lord and positioning myself to receive comfort, encouragement, and continued learning has kept me from despair. I know Him now in ways I’d never known Him before. Your Dad has been a rock through this time. That doesn’t mean he isn’t grieving or that he doesn’t cry, it simply means he is there. We talk about our grief, we cry together, we let each other cry and grieve when it comes. We’ve not tried to force healing or push each other to places we are not yet ready to go. We’ve each grieved in the way our individual grief has come and it has been good. I thank God everyday for this man from whom you came – how I love him! Kristin and Joni have been a blessing in this season too. They’ve grieved differently from me and differently from each other. We’ve danced back and forth with each other, listening, praying, watching and waiting for the Lord in the midst of this tough time. Jacob and the girls have been a huge part of my grieving process. Getting to be with them nearly every day, watching, helping, praying – what a blessing it has been and what peace it has brought me even when I’ve seen struggles because of losing you. Our families have been wonderful – loving and watching and sending love and gentle comments at just the right time. And of course, friends — intimate friends, distant friends, acquaintances all have been sensitive to our hurt and need. The Lord has manifested Himself in His people and loved on us through the words and hugs of our friends at church.
I’ve been surprised to find that I’ve not had to go underground with my grief. I don’t need to stuff it and no one has rebuked me for expressing it. People understand. What a blessing! Because of this I’ve learned to be more open with what I feel than I’ve been in the past. I’ve also learned to let others experience what they are experiencing. God can deal with our sorrow and hurt and anger and pain – we don’t have to somehow always put on a happy face and smile to glorify Him. He is glorified in the honest expressions of our hearts turned toward Him. I love Psalms and I love Job and all of the honest weepers of the Bible. There is no emotion common to man that has been left out of the Bible. What a comfort!
The last thing I’ve learned is the amazing impact of one well-lived life. I’m not blind to who you are or to the shortcomings of your life. We all have them and you did to. But that said the positive impact you had on others just by being you continually astounds me. Losing you reverberated into so many lives and hearing people speak of the impact of the loss is like a time machine that allows me to see the impact of you alive. You lived in a way that touched others. This encourages me to do the same.
I love you. I would take you back in a minute, but I suspect you are in a place now where coming back doesn’t even appeal. Instead I imagine you waiting for us and looking forward to the day of reunion. You will be present with us today as we are together remembering you – calling you back to us through stories and pictures and memories.
See You Soon! Mom
“My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.” Job 42:5-6
Beautifully said. Although you feel apart from Becky physically, you are both together “in Christ” – now and for eternity. Praying for you and the family today. May this time of gathering memories be a blessing to you.
Well I am now crying…but that’s okay. The number of times that Becky has come up in conversation around my household shows how much heart she left here on earth with us. They teach us in nursing school that grieving takes an entire year of missing holidays and special events with someone to be completed. I can tell you a year later I am still grieving the loss of my friend. Life on earth is temporary, and I have learned through Becky’s example and through her loss to live each moment as if it were my last. I am so glad God gave her to us to show us how to live and how to love.
Bobbie you are so right it is okay and even good to cry. Those tears just show how much she meant and means to us. Thanks for sharing — I appreciate you!
Claudia, I want you to know that I read your Gleanings faithfully. And I pray daily for you and your family. I regret that I never got to know Becky; only saw her maybe 5 times at our family gatherings. But, she had such an impact on so many lives! May God bless you on your journey. Your sharing is a blessing to more people than you know!
Thank yo for your comments Mary. It has been amazing to me to see the impact she made in so many lives — really makes me want to be deliberate in the way I live!
I so agree with you……it’s been almost 10 years since I lost my husband and the pain of grieving has lessened. But, every time I hear of a friend or church member, etc. who has lost a loved one, I feel more intensely the pain of their loss. It drives me to prayer and intercession on their behalf. I am remembering you today, Claudia and family.
I didn’t know Becky, but through your writings I feel I’ve gotten to know her through your love for her. Today, I thought about Becky out of the blue. My heart breaks for the pain you’ve had to go through. I’m so sorry for your loss. You’ve touch many people by sharing your thoughts, feelings, and trust in the Lord. Thank you for that. God is using you as an example of what he can do. I will continue to pray for your family.
Connie – thanks for your kind comments and prayers. God is making a way for us and it is a blessing to share that way with others similarly hurting. He is good all the time!
I know the one year mark is a hard one & yet special as well because it is such a distinct date that the remembering gets all that stronger & even more purposeful. Thanks for sharing. I wanted to come on here and check on how you were all doing. Lori & I were talking about her and your family remembering this time last year when I stood in her same living room finding out the dreadful news and I fell to the floor trying to tell her what had happened. We Love u all! …& Claudia, you have always lived in a way that impacts others. I can attest to this because I have very strong memories of a pivotal spiritual moment in my life & insight you gave me years and years ago. Becky was an extension of that wisdom and love, which is why she impacted in the personal, life changing ways she did all around her. She was such a blessing & I am so grateful to have known her & been able to reconnect with her!! =) I miss her teasing me on FB. I would write certain things & before posting them I would know I would get a fun, sassy comment from her before the day was done. We could go round & round giving each other a hard time in the best of ways. I so miss that sassy, sweet girl!
Loydeen, Thank you for so intentionally loving Becky and checking in on us! You have been on my heart the past few weeks also as we entered the holiday season with all of the family memories and gatherings implicit to this time. I pictured your Mom and Dad, Becky, Gilbert and Viola, and so, so many others celebrating the day that God became man and dwelt among us in the actual presence of God! I can’t wait to be a part of that celebration!
I also loved Becky’s sharp, sassy wit! Every once in a while Jacob, Kristin or Joni throws out some comment in our family gatherings that has us all in stitches, laughing until we hurt. With Becky that would’ve been happening Every ten minutes or so! She had a very unique and humorous way of looking at life.
Seeing your name in the comments section of the blog caused me to pray for you once again! Blessings to you Sweet Little Sister and thanks for checking in!