“A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit. The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly. All the days of the oppressed are wretched, but the cheerful heart has a continual feast.”
Proverbs 15:13-15
I’ve been blessed with a naturally optimistic outlook. My tendency in life has been to see blessing and expect good to come out of even hard times. Since Becky died what was once an inherent tendency became an often unachievable discipline. But in the last few weeks I’m feeling my nature return. As I sit in the morning enjoying a quiet time and a cup of coffee I feel deep satisfaction and joy. This same pleasure and acknowledgement of blessing comes and goes throughout the day in the natural way it has in the past.
Interestingly a part of me resists this return to any aspect of the pre-loss me. It is as if I need to be sad . . . even inconsolable . . . to be true to the magnitude of the loss of Becky. The loss is huge even to the point that I still have a hard time remembering that I’m living out the year 2011. It is as if time stopped December 29, 2010. And yet each day holds a measure of sweetness that I just can’t ignore. I penned the following a night or two ago when sleep eluded me and this morning I’m quietly praising God for sweetness like a gentle summer breeze.
You’re gone
The sun shines
My heart beats
Flowers grow
Coffee tastes good
Some love me
And I them
Cats still purr
Warming my lap
Two beautiful blondes
Love me
Prayers are answered
Fair is coming
And the rodeoWe walk
Work in the yard
Ignore the news
Serve the Lord
Rejoice in friends
And celebrate
Their joysFood and friends
Spice each other
Songs speak beauty
My heart joins in
My mind explores
My spirit soars
Even though you’re gone
Praise God for gradual healing and the realization that the gentle return of enjoyment doesn’t demean the memory of Becky in any way. My days are still sprinkled with tears, but leavened with joy. I can see hope for the day when the loss is a quieter portion of me, tucked away in that joy.
“Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.” Psalms 126:5-6
GLEANINGS from Claudia 
This is so powerful & touching. Tears have welled in my eyes & my heart both hurts & is full. I have thought of Becky and had more memories of her triggered this year than in the last 5 years. Her spirit is stronger than ever and your spirit is shining brighter than ever. Bless you for the courage to share all of this with anyone who will benefit. God bless.
Praising God that your joy is returning. Thankful that you have allowed it in. Becky would be pleased.