Grief – Letter to Becky

Hi Becky!

You moved to heaven a day over 15 weeks ago.  It seems like just yesterday and it seems like forever ago.  Do I still miss you?  You bet.  It would be such a pleasure to hear your voice again, your distinctive laugh, to see you with that red hat covering your blonde hair and pulled low on your forehead.  I miss the wonderful biology and pharmacology ‘lectures’ you used to give me over the phone.  You could take subjects that interested us both and draw me along from the simplest concepts to the depths that you had plumbed in your studies.  And the theological discussions – you never were a shallow thinker and approached all subjects of interest with deep passion and intelligence.  Boy do I miss you.  I will never regret talking with you for hours and not talking about me!  You nearly always ended our conversations with ‘we just talked about me all the time again’ – I’m so glad for that!

I’m continually reminded of the impact you made on others.  Just today I got a long message in Facebook from a fellow pharmacy student who is intensely missing you.  As graduation approaches and your fellow students are going through experiences unique to the last months of study, they miss you and your tireless encouragement and cheerleading.  They, like me, also miss your ability to discuss and explain and joke about whatever the current topic.  You are amazing!

In mid-May your Dad and I and Jacob, Amity and Dara will join your class in remembering you and seeing you honored with the hood declaring that you are a Doctor of Pharmacy.  I’m so eager for this and so dreading it at the same time.  I can’t wait to meet your friends and share our love and grief with them.  They have been an incredible support to all of us and we appreciate them beyond words.  But of all of the events that we’ll get through in these first months and years this will be the hardest for me.  How you looked forward to graduation, to being a fully credentialed Pharmacist, to stepping into this work that you so loved.  I’m confident that you would’ve gotten the residency you applied for and would be entering into that position within weeks of graduation.  And, if not, I’m confident that God would’ve put you right where He most needed a person like you to serve Him and exercise the gifts He gave you.  There was so much of life that you and Jacob deferred so that you could do this incredibly hard thing of completing Pharmacy school while being a Mom and wife.  You did it, you excelled at it, and you and Jacob were ready to reap the benefits of a job well done.  I’m mostly over asking ‘why’ because it is the unanswerable question, but graduation brings the ‘why’ right back to the forefront for me.

I’m sure you know, but your girls are doing great.  They love you, they miss you, they would take you back into their lives in a heartbeat if only that could happen.  But, they have found a way to remember and speak of you with a certain amount of pleasure instead of tears and pain.  They are doing well in school and making a way without your presence.  I see you in them and I see the positive impact of a loving Mom even today. There are places I also see the lacking of you in their daily lives – you are missed.  Jacob still misses you with a fullness of missing that is so painful.  When will that change?  I don’t know. I pray for him to come to the place where the knife edge of loss doesn’t cut him daily.  He is a good man and I see your mark on him.

Life has changed for me now.  I am even more eager to love on and share with my family and friends.  Relationships have taken on a new urgency since I realize the brevity of our time together.  I am eager for the move to heaven.  In terms of eternity it won’t be long and I’ll be face-to-face with Jesus and get to talk to you!  Once again you are teaching me and drawing me along from the simplest concepts to the depths that you have plumbed.  I’ll see you in the morning!

Love you!  Mom

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About Gleanings from Claudia

I am a wife, mother, grandmother,sister, and friend newly introduced to grief as I lost my 32 year old daughter in an auto accident in December 2010. I am a follower of Jesus and am journeying through grief while abiding in Christ.
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