GLEANINGS from Claudia – The Abiding Life: Good Friday

Posted on March 29, 2013 by Gleanings from Claudia

“The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life — only to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father.” John 10:17-18

Good Friday. I wondered today how we ever came to call this day Good Friday. Any of us who have been intimate with death can’t possibly call it good. Death is a robber stealing so much from so many and stalking each of us every day. Early in church history this day was actually referred to as ‘God’ Friday and many believe that ‘Good’ Friday eventually evolved from that early term. Even though I cringe at this naming, I also see the truth of it. From the perspective of eternity and our own hindsight there is no Friday better than the Friday that Jesus laid down His life for us.

Jesus chose to die. He chose to die a death so complete that He bore the weight of the second death … the death that results from our choice to sin. Revelations speaks to this death … a final consequence of sin that results in permanent separation from God (Revelations 21:6-8). When I think about my own death I tend to think past it to the joy of eternal life. I can see it as a doorway that opens to that for which I long, face-to-face relationship with God; reunion with those I miss who have gone before me; the fulfilled joy of relationship! The only trepidation I feel about death is the wonder of ‘how’? What will the vehicle be that actually transports me to this other place? It is a blessing not to know because my nature is such that I can imagine avoiding at all cost any activity that might be an invitation to that vehicle resulting in a stunted life and a loss of joy today.

Jesus, on the other hand, knew. He knew the vehicle; He knew the depth; He knew not just the physical means of execution, but also the totality of loss He would experience as He bore our sins and faced second-death separation from the Father. In the greatest act of determination and love of time and eternity He did it. Staying the course wasn’t easy; in fact it was agonizing to the point of a death of sorts itself. I am overwhelmed again by this wondrous love.

Good Friday. The BEST Friday. The day that Jesus experienced and used death to overcome death for us. This day will ever and always be the epitome of God’s intentional power to bring good out of bad. Because of the horror of this day and the sure outcome on Sunday I can look at my own sin and death and, in Jesus, face it redeemed and unafraid.

Jesus Final Hours – Timeline

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Thus Far Has the Lord Helped Us

Posted on December 29, 2012 by Gleanings from Claudia

“Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, “Thus far has the LORD helped us.” 1 Samuel 7:12

I was inclined to skip posting today, the second anniversary of Becky’s accident and death. But I realize a time of introspection and acknowledgement is a worthwhile exercise. I also realize that I dwell in a new land … the land of ‘buts’. Nearly every statement I make or think related to Becky has a ‘but’ in the middle.

I still miss Becky so incredibly much. I suspect none of us who loved her and knew her will ever have the luxury of not missing her. It is simply a fact of life that we hurt over her absence. At times the hurt is on the surface and at times subterranean, in any case, it is always there. And now I insert the ‘but’- BUT the new normal is pretty firmly and happily in place. It was so wonderful to have Jacob, Cheryl and various of their kids over for Christmas. Jacob and Cheryl were clearly happy. The girls are blossoming in this new home and obviously love Cheryl. Theirs is a normal home with normal sibling rivalries and fun times. It is sweet to watch and participate in. We laughed and loved and experienced joy this Christmas. It was good.

Because I see the health and happiness of this new home my inner wish to have Becky back is dulled a bit. I still wish her here and at times think about what that would look like. I can picture her as a practicing pharmacist likely in a hospital somewhere, having completed an in-hospital residency last summer. Becky and Jacob would be working at paying off pretty mountainous school bills. It is hard to know where the Coons would be living, because they might have moved for Becky’s career and Jacob might be back in school. Life for Jacob, the girls and us would be entirely different. The sweetness at the foundation of the life that could’ve been is a return to the innocent security of a life uninterrupted by the pain of death.

BUT I see growth through this loss and the healing that has followed. For me, my faith has grown exponentially. I’ve learned to trust God’s provision and purposes in a very deep way. As life happens it can sometimes seem that circumstances are designed to destroy us and beat us down. But as we choose to walk into each day, looking to the Lord, waiting on His provision, letting Him reveal the full picture, He always helps. His help ranges from very direct physical, spiritual, and emotional provision to His people supporting our grief and healing. He is our rock of help. He helps.

For the girls my prayer is that the statements they heard early on will somehow be a foundation for their souls. They heard that in time they would be OK. That the people who loved them before Becky died would still love them after and be there for them. That God would take care of them and life and happiness would happen for them again. All of this has proven true. It doesn’t do away with the experience and the pain, but it shows that even in experiencing the worst fear a child can imagine God is our help. Now they see their Dad experiencing his second happy marriage to a woman who loves them and whom they love. There is a richness here … the blessing of God.

Two years ago it felt like life stopped. The life Jacob and the girls knew shattered into a million pieces that could never again be put together in the same way. But God took those pieces and also pieces from Cheryl’s broken life and made a beautiful mosaic that is lovely to see. We all still love and miss Becky. If I lived in a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book and could open the page that lets us keep Becky and go forward from there, never knowing what I now know, I would do that. But the adventure was chosen for us so instead I look forward to the day when we see the Lord and then have the most amazing family reunion ever! Brown’s and Lee’s and William’s and Coon’s and Anderton’s and BECKY! … what a day that will be!

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Nothing But to Pray

Posted on December 17, 2012 by Gleanings from Claudia

Prayer at Suburban Christian Church on Sunday, December 16, 2012 in response to the Clackamas Mall shooting and the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting.

Father God, Everlasting Father … today we come to You as One who knows the pain and grief of the death of a child. You watched as Your only begotten Son, the perfect, innocent Son, was brutalized and murdered at the whim of evil worked through the hands of sinful man.

Once again this week we who love You are crushed and tempted to despair as we contemplate so many lives ended, so many relationships lost, at the whim of evil worked through the hands of men enthralled by the Evil one. We are angry … because in the depths of our souls we know that this shouldn’t be. How long oh Lord? How long? You know the answer … now give us strength to wait on You. Give us power to walk in Your Kingdom being ambassadors of Your government, participants in the increase of Your government and peace that knows no end. Show us how to armor up in the full armor of the Spirit, strong in Your mighty power, ready to take a stand against the devil’s schemes. Turn our horror at this violence into an absolute hatred of Satan and sin and death … into recognition of the immensity of sin and sin’s consequences … into joy at Your heart for salvation and Your power to save.

Father God, this week so many lives are in the deepest grief. Happy plans of gifts and celebrations and the joy of drawing close to one another are now plans for funerals and the struggle of just making it through another night and day and breath. Lord You know this pain – bring comfort as only You can comfort. Cause Your people to come alongside and just ‘be’ with those who are grieving. Show Yourself as First Comforter to every grieving heart. In time, and even now, restore joy to those so heavily afflicted and to us.

And now Lord, we long for the day spoken of in Revelation 21:

“Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Come quickly Lord Jesus, come!

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Happy Birthday Becky

Posted on December 7, 2012 by Gleanings from Claudia

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
2 Corinthians 4:18

Hi Becky and happy birthday!

Today within the halls of time and the hearts of those who love you, you turn 34 years old. I wonder what that means in heaven? Are you a forever 32? I’ve often thought the early thirties are the physical peak of our lives. Since someday our bodies will be resurrected, I’d be OK with being 32 forever along with you!

I’ve been thinking back over the almost two years since you died. The sheer weight of emotion over that time seems impossible. It should take a lifetime to experience and feel what has happened in 23 short months. I remember a year ago facing December and wanting to run away, to hide somewhere. I didn’t know how to ford the river of grief I saw in all of the ‘first’ experiences without you. But I was also very aware of others I love who had that river to cross and I would never run away from them. We made it through all of those firsts last year and actually found joy in our shared experiences!

Today we are at another ‘new’ place as we come to the second December without you present. But my, oh my, how things have changed! Just Wednesday this week I took Amity and Dara to celebrate your birthday at New Morning Bakery here in town. They got to pick any dessert and any beverage they wanted and we just sat and talked about their days and their lives. Every so often we’d share a little story about you, and then jump right back to what is going on in their lives today. What struck me so powerfully is how ‘normal’ they are in what they tell me about their lives and days. It is the everyday drama of an elementary girl and an early adolescent middle school girl. The plaintive questions of the early days without you:  – ‘What is going to happen to us now?’ ‘Who is going to help Daddy raise us?’ – are no longer in play. The girls seem happy and secure in their new home. Dara calls me ‘Cheryl’ as much as she calls me Grandma and Amity talks a lot about the things that she and Cheryl do together at home. It is music to my ears and I’m confident to yours too!

Your Dad and I are thoroughly enjoying being Grandpa and Grandma to the girls again. Every Wednesday is early release time in the Philomath School District and I have the pleasure of alternating weeks of picking up one of the girls to spend time together. Often the time spent is simply getting a treat after school and then helping with homework. Sometimes we cook together or complete some other project. Next week the girls will both come over after school on Wednesday and help me put up our Christmas tree and decorate for the season. I’m so looking forward to this! Wednesday is my new favorite day of the week!

Jacob seems happy too. That heavy sadness within which he was drowning is lifted, although I know he still misses you like we all do. It seems such a paradox to me that if I could I would have you back to learn from and tease with and just plain enjoy, but I’m also loving this new family that Jake and Cheryl have made – this new normal into which they have entered. I’ve learned so much in missing you. Life is such a mix of pain and pleasure, sorrow and joy. So often pleasure follows hard on the heels of pain and joy waits at sorrow’s doorstep. I’ve learned that God is able and sufficient and the great reverser. I can trust Him even in something that at times seems completely irredeemable. And somehow as I wait on Him and trust Him for here and eternity, He makes all things good. I love the way Julian of Norwich says this “And all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.” I know you are enjoying the complete and absolute truth of God’s ability to make all things well!

I love you and I can’t wait to see you again!
Mom

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GLEANINGS from Claudia – The Abiding Life: Advent

Posted on November 29, 2012 by Gleanings from Claudia

I am forever changed by grief, but grief is not the full measure of my life in Christ. “GLEANINGS from Claudia — The Abiding Life” explores this life attached to the One True Vine.

“The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.”  John 1:14

Advent begins this Sunday and I find myself once again leaning into the coming of Jesus. Recently I’ve seen firsthand the chaos and pain that sin brings into life. I weep for people I love who are stewing in the consequences of an uncovered choice to sin. But sitting in this place also reminds me of the ‘ground-hog day’ nature of God’s redemptive work in our lives. He comes into our sin and sorrow over and over and over again. He never tires of advent, of coming to save us and transform us. I am in awe of his long-suffering and determined love for us.

Today I am more in love with Jesus than ever. I see His power to take the repentant broken heart and bring loving restoration … a ‘better than new’ place of healing and health. In the mess of a sinful choice where you can almost hear Satan’s diabolical laugh of perceived victory, I see instead the miraculous hand of God at work. The sin is revealed and Christ’s light is shining on it and on those involved or collaterally damaged. Like a lanced boil all of the ugliness flows out and healing begins. Satan thinks he’s won, but His doom has never been more certain.  Our God is NEVER the author of sin, but His power is such that He can take our sin choices and broken repentance to bring about the most amazing healing and salvation.

I looked today at Matthew chpater 1 and was struck again by God’s heart for us and His complete power over sin. In the past I’ve read the genealogy of Jesus with a ho-hum, let’s get on with it attitude. But think beyond the surface names and understand the very human story this genealogy tells … Abraham couldn’t wait on God’s promise and slept with his wife’s slave to get a son (with Sarah’s complicity) … Isaac lied to Abimelech saying Rebekah was his sister instead of his wife … Jacob lied and manipulated to get his father’s blessing … Judah slept with his daughter-in-law Tamar when she was disguised as a prostitute … Rahab the harlot is in this list … David and his son Solomon are here; Solomon whose mother is Bathsheba the woman with whom David had an illicit sexual union and then attempted a cover-up by killing Bathsheba’s husband Uriah. This list goes on and on. What amazes me most is that these fallible, messed up, wounding, scarred people in the long run experience God’s restorative grace. Abraham is called the friend of God! Wow! David is the man after God’s own heart. Really? What hope this gives me that although sin is a part of my story in the end it is NOT what defines me, rather God’s incomprehensible work of grace labels my life. It is beyond beautiful to me that perfect, holy, loving God comes into our weak, failed flesh and demonstrates what happens when His divine power is lived out in human life. Jesus shows us what it is to live the perfect life and then applies that perfect life through His willing death to our immense sin problem. God comes again into the human story to save us.

The advent of Jesus happens every day in hurting human hearts. His is perfect love and in perfect love there is nothing to fear. Are you trapped in a shameful sin? Come to Jesus. Are you hurting because of the disgusting sin choice of another? Come to Jesus. Change your name from ‘harlot’ or ‘abuser’ or ‘damaged’ to ‘the one after God’s own heart’. The power is sufficient when Jesus comes.

“And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world.  If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.” 1 John 4:14-18

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Grief – Death or Life?

Posted on November 8, 2012 by Gleanings from Claudia

On December 29, 2010 my 32 year old daughter, Becky, lost her life in an automobile accident. ‘GLEANINGS from Claudia’ is a mother’s journal of grief.

DEATH OR LIFE

She’s gone
In a moment she left
And the moment she left
Entered life and reality and love like I’ve never loved

She never knew death
Quick and done
She closed eyes here
And opened eyes there in a blinking moment of pained joy

And we left here
Grieved and grieve
And taste death often
Longing to sit and talk and hold and hug her gone

Death is our construct
Not hers
She feared it here
But never knew it laid upon her knew only life one place then another

Time’s the rub
And we wait
Looking for the day
To sit and talk and look and touch and know again deeply … deeper

God and Jesus
Shared this too
The day of longing separation
Aching to talk again – eternity held hostage to time

And it came
Life and joy
Resurrection and relationship
And my confidence soars with tears of longing joy

Life interrupted
Love interrupted
Not gone just paused here
LIFE

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Grief – Victim or Victory?

Posted on October 20, 2012 by Gleanings from Claudia

“O earth, do not cover my blood; may my cry never be laid to rest! Even now my witness is in heaven; my advocate is on high. My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a man he pleads with God as a man pleads for his friend.” Job 16:18-21

I started my day in tears at the fact that Whitney Heichel’s  remains were found sometime late yesterday.  Whitney is a 21 years young woman with a husband, family, friends and a faith community. She disappeared on her way to work at a Portland, Oregon area Starbucks.  Tuesday was a normal day for this young woman that evidently turned immediately, insanely abnormal.  I know little of this young woman except that which her husband and family have shared. She is deeply loved, characterized as sweet and caring, with an open and genuine face. Their grief seeps into me and I’m agonized for them. When Becky died I was crushed by the ‘why’ of such a senseless death. But, at the same time, there was a level of understanding that the completely unbiased laws of nature had intersected with my daughter’s path that day and an accident happened that took her life. With Whitney’s death no accident is involved.  It is becoming ever more evident that a young man, a ‘neighbor’ (can you use that word for someone who could do this?), took from her and those who love her that which he had no right to take. Ever. There is no accident here.

I am pierced and angry and in deep sorrow over this situation. As in similar circumstances that take something no one has the right to take and leave crippled and changed the injured one and those who love the injured one I want to call for some horrible torturous lingering punishment for the perpetrator of the crime. A part of me wants death for this person so that the world is made safe once again. But death does not bring that safety because the next injury is just a neighbor away. And death just somehow seems too easy. Then the Spirit nudges and I sense the grief of God over this same situation. His heart breaks for all the injured innocents and in love that I can’t apprehend His heart breaks and His body is broken for the one who injured.  What hideous torturous captivity could bring a person to the place of this crime? What wrong-headed twisted imprisoned soul lashed out in this murderous act? I weep again for the imprint of the Father of Lies on individuals and society. And I long to the depths of my soul for full redemption, full restoration, of all that Father God created.

Over and over again I see beautiful lives injured by selfish, unthinking acts of incredible horror unleashed upon innocence. The repercussions from these choices go on from generation to generation and alter even the way that those so injured see their world.  I feel the Spirit groan within me, interceding in ways I’m unable to articulate. And I feel called to intercede on behalf of those who love Whitney and of this young man and of those who love him. Satan’s defeat is sure and like any enemy as he sees the end of battles looming he is stepping up his activity in a last-ditch effort to break the back of the victors. Please join me in praying, interceding into the power of restoration, redemption, the amazing grace and freedom of our Lord that will keep from bondage those newly injured by another’s appalling sin. I pray that those whom Satan intends to victimize will be victors through the immense power of Jesus Christ.

And together we pray Maranatha! Come quickly Jesus!

“Do not be afraid,” Samuel replied. “You have done all this evil; yet do not turn away from the LORD, but serve the LORD with all your heart. Do not turn away after useless idols. They can do you no good, nor can they rescue you, because they are useless.  For the sake of his great name the LORD will not reject his people, because the LORD was pleased to make you his own.  As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by failing to pray for you.” 1 Sam 12:20-23

 

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Grief – Jubilee!

Posted on October 5, 2012 by Gleanings from Claudia

“The fiftieth year shall be a jubilee for you; do not sow and do not reap what grows of itself or harvest the untended vines. For it is a jubilee and is to be holy for you; eat only what is taken directly from the fields.”
Leviticus 25:11-12

Grapes

Another Harvest of Grapes!

Steve and I have a very small yard, but in the tiny backyard we have an apple tree and a couple of grape vines.  We’ve done our best over the years to be good vine tenders … to prune back the vines in January or February until they seem unlikely to produce again because there is so little cane left.  But this year when the time came to prune the vines neither of us had time or heart to do so.

It was a rainy winter and pruning time came so close upon the heels of the year anniversary of Becky’s death … we just didn’t manage to get out and do the work on the vines that we knew we needed to do. We anticipated a year of poor production or poor quality grapes because of our neglect. But what a surprise we’ve had at this year’s harvest! We’ve never had such an abundance of sweet, sweet grapes. I’ve harvested grapes many times and shared them with the church’s pre-school, with neighbors and with family. In spite of all of the harvesting and sharing there is still an abundance of fruit on the arbor that I’m not sure how we will use! It is amazing!

I’ve been thinking about this and wondering if this abundance without following the recommended pruning process puts the lie to what I’ve believed about pruning and productivity. I think I’ve come to a different conclusion though. It feels like the abundance we are experiencing is a Jubilee experience granted to us in God’s grace and mercy. We didn’t have heart or time to do anything ourselves that would guarantee provision of fruit at harvest.  But now, here we are harvesting with no prior effort just receiving and sharing a sweet and delicious gift from the hand of God.

So, in a way, I guess the natural law of sowing and reaping has been broken, but I think it was through the provision of a good God who loves us and provides for us when we are unable to provide for ourselves. God’s sweet provision that I couldn’t have made for myself has happened over and over again during the days since Becky died. Provision of comfort and peace, joy in sorrow, strength in tears, beauty from ashes  – God was good before, He is good today; God is good all of the time – abundantly good!

“From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another.”  John 1:16

Grapes Still On the Arbor AFTER Many Harvests

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Grief – Sweetbitter

Posted on September 25, 2012 by Gleanings from Claudia

“I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”
Ecclesiastes 3:10-12

Life is achingly sweet today
Outside … perfection
Sunshine and breezes gentle
Windchimes speak soft songs
Beloved ones taste new love
Or return to old patterns
And name me Grandma again
It is good … so good
But tears mark me
As I miss you so much

It tastes like Autumn’s fruit
Impossibly juicy sweet
Abundant to excess
Built on last year’s end
Annual beginnings, endings
Life, death
Love, loss
Seemingly forever

My tongue is wise
Knowing from past tastes
That Autumn’s fruit is short lived … but not
It comes again an Autumn away

Under and over and around the change
Eternity wombs time until, fully formed
Time crowns forever

Bittersweet … no … sweetbitter
Waiting
Full pregnant time
Longs for eternity
Perfection, completion, restoration, redemption
Thy Kingdom come

But today is achingly sweet

“Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account.”  Ecclesiastes 3:15

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GLEANINGS from Claudia: Grief – The Strength of My Heart

Posted on September 21, 2012 by Gleanings from Claudia

“ When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Ps 73:21-26

I’m going through a Bible Study by Cynthia Heald called “Becoming A Woman of Simplicity” and thoroughly enjoying it. The study’s premise is keeping the main thing the main thing – a life focused on Jesus. Today’s chapter is on “Unshakeable Simplicity” and in it I looked at Psalm 73 where Asaph bitterly complains about the way the unrighteous prosper. As he looks at their wealth and vitality it just seems patently unfair that those who ignore God should do so well in life while he suffers and struggles in spite of his righteousness. But then he says he ‘entered the sanctuary of God’ and his viewpoint changes completely as demonstrated in verses 21-26.

I couldn’t help but relate this Psalm to my grief experience. There was a season where I could only ‘see’ the loss, only see my grief. I couldn’t focus beyond it, other than to worry about the future, and I was unable to read or think or move forward. For the most part grief didn’t embitter me, although there were times of bitterness, but grief did cloud my mind. Others close to Becky have told me the same thing and for Jacob the brainfog has just begun to lift in the past few months.

As I’ve spoken with others suffering through a grief or loss of some kind, and it isn’t always a grief related to death, I’ve often heard them say the word ‘should’ a lot. I should be praying more … I should be reading the Bible more … I should be with other believers more. Psalm 73:21-26 gives me comfort and describes my experience when I was in the deepest part of my grief. I was senseless and ignorant, I was a brute beast before Him, and yet … yet I was always with Him. He held my right hand … a position of dependence and security for me … a position of paternal love and direction from Him. Regardless of my ability to ‘should’ my way into relationship, He continued the relationship and was there for me. Asaph saw this when he ‘entered the sanctuary’ and I saw it whenever I awoke to worship songs in my head and heard the prayers winging from my inner man even though I couldn’t focus to speak a prayer out loud. I knew it when scripture came unbidden to my mind even though I couldn’t read more than a paragraph at a time. I also knew it as He turned my focus back to Him away from death and away from the questions the future held. There was absolutely nothing I could do to change anything past or future, all I could do was live each day looking to Him and trust Him for that day, for everything before and for everything to come.

There is a phrase in the study guide that captured me today, “Your problem is that you are on overload because of the future – God’s command is to take one day at a time.” I think sometimes I overload by carrying the past. Sometimes I overload by trying to carry the future. Today I choose to live focused on the Lord, in His sanctuary, enjoying the strength of my heart and my portion forever!

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